[stylist] Thea - baklava

[Applebutter Hill]

Thea and Chris,
This is what I thought. When I wrote for online magazines, they often wanted
a description or blurb or summary that could be picked up by the search
engines. You just have to copy the article from below that. Otherwise, it
confuses people, and it takes away from the power of your lead.
Donna

-----Original Message-----
From: stylist [mailto:stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Miss Thea
Sent: Tuesday, March 11, 2014 8:31 PM
To: Writer's Division Mailing List
Subject: Re: [stylist] Thea - baklava

Hi, Chris. I appreciate your feedback a lot.
Oops, that description was more of a subtitle for my blog, and doesn't
properly belong in the body of the article.
I shall have a look at trimming the repetitions.
Thanks,
Thea
PS: Good luck finding some good baklava, and of course, I treated the
baklava I went home with much more like I was savoring every bite.

-----Original Message-----
From: Chris Kuell
Sent: Tuesday, March 11, 2014 6:13 PM
To: Writer's Division Mailing List
Subject: Re: [stylist] Thea - baklava

Hi Thea,

A belated welcome to the group.

I enjoyed reading your mini restaurant review from a blind person's
perspective, although I hope you didn't dissect that second piece of
baklava. I used to work for a Greek, and his wife made baklava from hand
every now and then (as you can imagine, it took all day) and it's really
meant to be savored all at once. In fact, I'd love to have some right now!

If you don't mind a little feedback, I found the beginning of your piece a
little clunky. You wrote:

Description: On the first above-zero day in March, I crawled out of my shell
and visited Terry's restaurant and Bar on 120 Ellesmere.

I left the medical building on 120 Ellesmere, in Scarborough, and walked a
few steps. The cool, sunny air sent waves of savory come-ons. I walked into
the first restaurant, where the come-on was the most savory, and the
closest.


I don't think you need the word 'description, as it becomes evident as we
read. Secondly, you leave the same building you enter, so do you really need
to mention where you were leaving? Or might you simply say--I left an
appointment on Ellesmere, and followed my nose. Fortunately for me, I didn't
have to travel far before Terry's Restaurant and Bar savory scent lured me
in... or something like that. Lastly, and this is probably just me, but as
an editor I try to discourage repetition. So you might change one of your
'savory come ons' to something different. Try it, and see if you like it.

Thanks for sharing, and for whetting my appetite.

chris




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