[stylist] Try The Baklava (revised and cleaned up I hope)

Mon Mar 17 21:08:43 UTC 2014

Thea,

It depends on what you're publishing this for. It's much too long to be
a PSA, but if a piece of journalism or advertisement, then yes, placing
the name a couple of times works. If just a review or essay, maybe not
so much.

Hey, I've done copy writing and editing too, grin. I interned with a
local PR firm, and one of my primary duties was copy writing and copy
editing. I did pretty much anything involving written communications.

Bridgit

-----Original Message-----
From: stylist [mailto:stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Miss Thea
Sent: Monday, March 17, 2014 3:08 PM
To: Writer's Division Mailing List
Subject: Re: [stylist] Try The Baklava (revised and cleaned up I hope)

Hi, Bridgit.
I'm running into some conflicting advice on the 2nd draft. LOL However,
I started out as a copywriter, and one of the things we were taught 
was to place the company's name in the piece enough that the customer 
wouldn't forget it.
True, this is longer than a 30-second radio spot, but I never forgot
that 
bit of advice.
If you think it would sound or look more symettrical, I could try to
place 
the company name in different areas of the piece.
Thea

-----Original Message----- 
From: Bridgit Pollpeter
Sent: Saturday, March 15, 2014 10:39 PM
To: 'Writer's Division Mailing List'
Subject: Re: [stylist] Try The Baklava (revised and cleaned up I hope)

Thea,

I haven't had a chance to read the first version, so my comments will
only pertain to this piece.

I like your use of sensory descriptions. The opening para is strong.

Much better job of para seperation with this piece as opposed to the
dating scam piece.

Not a big deal, but not sure why you need to repeat the name in the
following section when you already state it earlier. I made sure to tell
my server that I would return to Terry's Restaurant and Bar.

Much more concise writing too than the scam piece.

My only critique, watch for places where you can change the passive
voice.

I did not notice repetition, grin.

Bridgit

-----Original Message-----
From: stylist [mailto:stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Miss Thea
Sent: Saturday, March 15, 2014 5:09 PM
To: Writer's Division Mailing List
Subject: [stylist] Try The Baklava (revised and cleaned up I hope)

As this was the shorter of the two articles, I thought I'd go for a
revision. This article falls just short of 600 words. Please let me know
if I've begun to overcome my tendency to repetition. Thanks for any
help. Thea

Try The Baklava

On the first above-zero day in March, the sun called me out of my
isolation. After an appointment, I white-caned it down the quiet street,
the afternoon stretching out before me. The cool, sunny air sent waves
of savory come-ons. I walked into the first place in the plaza, Terry's
Restaurant and Bar.

I pushed my way through a glass door, and found a seat by the entrance.

Soon after I sat down, a friendly server came by and asked if I'd like a
cup of coffee. I asked for Decaf, but as the kitchen was too small to
carry two coffee-makers, I chose orange juice on ice.

I opened the musty, fragrant Braille book I'd brought and placed it on
the table. The left edge touched the leftmost wall. Shafts of sun came
through the metal Venetian blinds to warm my fingers. I started to read.

While reading, I sat back in my chair and listened to the place. People
spoke from two rows of tables-the one I was sitting at, and one to my
right, with nice walking space between.

"Here's your orange juice, hon," she said, startling me a little, as I
didn't realize she was there.

"Thanks." Ah. The first, tangy sip of vitamins refreshed my throat.

"What would you like to eat?"

"What's on offer?"

I chose the Eggs Bennie, reserving the Suvlaki for the next time I
visited Terry's Restaurant and Bar.

I read, listened to the quiet conversation, and Toronto's at-work
station. It suited the cozy place quite well, The uncluttered feel
relaxed me.

The announcer spoke energetically between songs about the gorgeous day.
People around me began talking just a little louder, laughing, as if
they, too had been affected by the first decent day in the year. The
happiness spread through me. The Eggs Bennie came, and I concentrated on
the homemade breakfast.

"Everything here is homemade," said the server, as she placed the dish
in front of me.

Throughout the meal, she stopped by to ask if things were satisfactory.

"You bet," I replied each time.

I'd heard my server talking to others, heard them choosing from a wide
variety that included burgers, chicken suvlaki and Greek salad.

"Is this a Greek restaurant?" I asked when she came to take the clean
plate away

"Not really," she said, "though it's Greek-owned. This is a family-owned
restaurant. Can I interest you in dessert?"

"In lieu of a filthy rich lifestyle? Sure."

It was a toss-up between the honey walnut cake, and the baklava. The
baklava won out.

My server presented me with a roughly triangular pile of onion-skin thin
phyllo pastry layered with crushed almonds and walnuts, saturated in
syrup. The honey and cinnamon smell wafted up to me. It didn't stand a
chance. I slid my fork under a layer of phyllo. I'd heard of it before,
but had never known exactly what the pastry was like. It was so
delicate, and unbelievably thin. After that, I tasted the contrasting
meaty nuts. The rest of it was savored, bite by bite, in all its
glorious layers.

It had the taste of some of those grain cereals lathered in honey.

I made sure to tell my server that I would return to Terry's Restaurant
and Bar.

Though I never sampled the bar, I found the restaurant with its friendly
server, its low-key crowd, and its unobtrusive music, a thoroughly
enjoyable way to spend an afternoon.

Not only that, the very capable chef gave me a piece of baklava to take
home. _______________________________________________
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