[stylist] [Tanka] stretch

Mon Aug 10 23:01:34 UTC 2015

Jackie, I just love to explicate a poem, so its my ;pleasure.  I know you 
don't really ant a "soft critique" from me and I love working  with your 
poems when I have the opportunity. Thanks. Lynda
-----Original Message----- 
From: Jackie Williams via stylist
Sent: Monday, August 10, 2015 6:33 PM
To: 'Writers' Division Mailing List'
Cc: Jackie Williams
Subject: Re: [stylist] [Tanka] stretch

Lynda,
This is exactly the kind of critique that I look for. I cannot disagree with
any of your suggestions.  It is odd that in its original form it was not a
tanka, and was at an in-between length of this tanka sequence.
I will either re-write this or search the original, and find a new starting
place.
Stay tuned. I have never been good at the Japanese forms, so I am glad you
are studying the forms, and are able to give specific suggestions.
The forced sounding rhymes, and the punctuation are perhaps old
characteristics of my writing that I would like to stamp out.
Your comment on the form is a good one. I think I forced it into a tanka
without the study necessary to do one good one.
Thanks so much for taking the time to thoroughly look at the mechanics of
this poem.
Jackie Lee

Time is the school in which we learn.
Time is the fire in which we burn.
Delmore Schwartz

-----Original Message-----
From: stylist [mailto:stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Lynda Lambert
via stylist
Sent: Monday, August 10, 2015 2:31 PM
To: Writers' Division Mailing List
Cc: Lynda Lambert
Subject: Re: [stylist] [Tanka] stretch

Jackie,
I just read this set of two poems over again - I wanted to have a fresh look

at them because I had read them quickly the other day. And, I got into
speaking about what exactly is a tanka instead of writing any feedback on
this poem.

The two parts  feel like two separate poems to me even though  I can see how

the two poems  do merge and overlap.  I like the way the first tanka begins
with an unexpected description of "you"  and how "me" is affected and
controlled by "you."
You grab the readers attention immediately because it is so strong - a
spillway. We have a spillway near my home, so I have a powerful  image
immediately for that opening thought.  I know the function of a spillway and

have stood watching the frantic  "turbulence" and wild life-seeking activity

within those waters  for a long time. It is hard to look at, the chaos of
the masses of fish that are trapped there, all trying to grasp for air and
all trying desperately to move upwards out of the caldron-like area  they
are trapped inside of, the surging towards a different place in the
spillway.  It is a life or death situation they are engaged in and a
sensitive viewer has to turn away from the sight of it.  That does provide
tension for us as we read through the poem.

In the second set, I have trouble with the use of the word "so" twice - and
I have trouble with the rhyming "rainbow" with "so."
I admit to having an enormous aversion to rhyming and to so much
punctuation - I feel like the punctuation is forced on the reader, to cause
the reader to make the reader take a direction  instead of finding meaning
as they read the poem for themselves. The punctuation here, to me,   is
didactic. But, that is my own disdain for punctuation and rhyming.  then, I
go back up to the first tanka and again the rhyming of "tears and fears"
disturbs me as a reader. It feels forced  when I read it several times.  I
think you can make this a stronger dyad of poems and I would weigh out the
pros and cons of having your thoughts here condensed into one poem. Do you
need to have it in two, or can you get across your feelings in just one?
And, consider if you need to have it in tanka form, or if something else
would be better.  I would ask myself why I chose tanka for this poem, and if

something else might work better.  Does the tanka give you the turbulent
movement or provide the tension between "you" and "me"  feelings you are
after?

Lynda

I think the second one has some problems

-----Original Message----- 
From: Jackie Williams via stylist
Sent: Monday, August 10, 2015 1:38 PM
To: 'Writers' Division Mailing List'
Cc: Jackie Williams
Subject: Re: [stylist] [Tanka] stretch

Shawn,
Thank you for your thoughts about this poem.
Originally, it was not a tanka, and I kind of forced a line or two to make
it so.
Incidentally, I did not critique Your Haibun, "The Cane of Calho." At the
time, I could not have done so without researching many terms. I still do
not know if I spelled Calhoe correctly.
I thought the Haibun form was very appropriate to the poem, and knowing it
to include haiku at the beginning and the end, I had no problem with the
line length.
>From many of the comments, I think it is a very worthy poem, and one that
should be published.
My hope is that it would be equally understandable to the sighted as well as
those familiar with the white cane.
Bill's comments showed so much understanding. It helped me with deeper
meaning.

Jackie Lee

Time is the school in which we learn.
Time is the fire in which we burn.
Delmore Schwartz

-----Original Message-----
From: stylist [mailto:stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Jacobson,
Shawn D via stylist
Sent: Monday, August 10, 2015 5:11 AM
To: Writers' Division Mailing List
Cc: Jacobson, Shawn D
Subject: Re: [stylist] [Tanka] stretch

Jackie

Thanks, I like that, very evocative.

Shawn

-----Original Message-----
From: stylist [mailto:stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Jackie
Williams via stylist
Sent: Sunday, August 09, 2015 8:36 PM
To: 'Writers' Division Mailing List'
Cc: Jackie Williams
Subject: Re: [stylist] [Tanka] stretch

Lynda,
Hope I did not mess up this thread name.
I have made an effort at a Tanka. Please tell me if it is correct in terms
of your form guide.

A Tanka Sequence

Hold Me Fast

You are my spillway
holding back the turbulence
of my fears and  tears ,
the dark essence of my flood.
Still, the spray will sparkle high.

You, alone, control
my stormy overflow-so
captured, just for you,
the sun's so fleeting spectrum-
the arc of my rare rainbow.

Jackie Lee

Time is the school in which we learn.
Time is the fire in which we burn.
Delmore Schwartz

-----Original Message-----
From: stylist [mailto:stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Lynda Lambert
via stylist
Sent: Sunday, August 09, 2015 2:21 PM
To: Writers' Division Mailing List
Cc: Lynda Lambert
Subject: Re: [stylist] sestina stretch

Jackie,
Well, Jackie, as always you have a way of nailing down all the comments so
well.  Writing a sestina is my favorite kind of poem to write - but I am
also in love with the "small" poems - and the Tanka is so exquisite as well
as the haiku - - but  so darn hard to write! It is so far beyond the little
syllable counting directions that we all know about - so much more than
that, and so much unwritten aspects of the forms that I am just beginning to

grasp.  I am only in pre-school  at writing  these  Japanese forms. But, I
want to learn so much more.  They are like trying to paint a very tiny,
exquisite painting - so difficult to not get tangled  in details.
You would not consider me very good at anything today - I have just
meandered around, walking dogs, doing a little bit of paperwork, and that is

about it for my day.  We all have such days, I imagine. Every day cannot be
a "high voltage" day, but I do  thrive on high voltage days  the best. On
the in-between days, I feel adrift and a bit unraveling. I need to write a
poem about that - maybe.  Lynda

-----Original Message----- 
From: Jackie Williams via stylist
Sent: Sunday, August 09, 2015 3:51 PM
To: 'Writers' Division Mailing List'
Cc: Jackie Williams
Subject: Re: [stylist] sestina stretch

EvaMarie,
I have read to the end of this thread. To me, the sestina is one of the most
difficult form poems to write, and the fact that you got into it and doubled
the length is something of a miracle.
Of course, I consider Lynda the master of this form, so how can you go wrong
with her suggestions. Also, Barbara has an interesting strategy.
But the comment that I like the most is Lynda's when she just picks words
and puts them down with the faith that they will come to have their own
story and meaning when finished.
In my poetry group, whenever the teacher wants a new and creative response
from the group, she assigns a random word poem. Sometimes it has ten words,
sometimes, twenty. This has brought some remarkable poetry from me as well
as the others who take this challenge.
Like Barbara, you can write a sequence that is double in length, if this is
what turns out.
Good luck, and my admiration.

Jackie Lee

Time is the school in which we learn.
Time is the fire in which we burn.
Delmore Schwartz

-----Original Message-----
From: stylist [mailto:stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of EvaMarie
Sanchez via stylist
Sent: Saturday, August 08, 2015 9:46 PM
To: Writer's Division Mailing List
Cc: EvaMarie Sanchez
Subject: [stylist] sestina stretch

I was just working on a sestina when I noticed that I had been carried away
with the words. I came to a stop and went to the top to start counting
stanzas. Somehow I had completely lost count and had nearly doubled my
required length. Oops!
I felt the safest thing for me to do at that point was to close it out and
return to it later when it will be less a thing of passion. In this way, I
hope to be able to look at it critically and do what must be done. Perhaps
I will find two sestinas there. I did not even do a read through at that
point.
Has this ever happened to any of you?
Eve

President, National Federation of the Blind Northern Arizona
President, National Federation of the Blind Writers' Division
Committee Chair, Arizona Association of Guide Dog Users
Affiliate Member, National Fedecration of the Blind Legislative Committee
Affiliate Member, National Federation of the Blind Membership Committee
Member, Slate & Style Editing Team

"You do not need to have vision to see the stars."
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