[stylist] short story

Wed Jan 7 01:53:21 UTC 2015

Hi, Vejas,

I really enjoyed your story. You've got a nice character analysis 
here--arguably a few--and you make good use of third person omniscient 
point-of-view, which allows the reader access to multiple characters' 
thoughts and feelings.

I also like that it ends so openly with the foreshadowing of Carl's death, 
but I also wonder if a more metaphorical foreshadowing might be even better. 
I don't speak critically here so much as I speak creatively. Maybe the last 
line might read, "Anna doesn't know what she'd do without Carl ... or does 
she?" We don't know exactly what will happen to him with this ending--he 
could be in an accident, or Anna could murder him--but it's clear that 
something is about to rock the boat and change their lives forever. This 
change would also balance your showing and telling, too.

Thanks again for sending this! I'm new to the list and think I'm really 
going to enjoy reading everyone's work.

Warmly,
Mel

-----Original Message----- 
From: Vejas Vasiliauskas via stylist
Sent: Tuesday, January 06, 2015 7:17 PM
To: stylist at nfbnet.org
Subject: [stylist] short story

Hi,
We haven't written short stories in quite a while, so I decided I
would post one that I wrote for class last year.  I then expanded
upon it a bit later to improve on it.  I've attached it and, for
these who can't read attachments, will try to paste it in the
bottom of the e-mail (if the whole thing doesn't go through I'll
send a part 2).
The assjgnment was to create a character and write about them.
My title comes from the fact that millions of families look fine
from the outside but not from within.
The last thing I have to say is that I hope I created a good
character even though my family aren't like this.  However, I
knew someone for many years who is like this character, and the
way he talks about his family gave me a pretty accurate idea.
Any suggesttions welcome.
Vejas
A Typical Day for Millions
by Vejas Vasiliauskas
  Carl pounds on his front door, wanting to be let in.  If he
wanted to, he could pull out his key, but he doesn't feel like
it.  It is 4:00 PM on a cold September evening-colder still
because he misplaced his coat, though what he will probably say
if asked is that one of his daughters took it.  Usually he
doesn't get home until 6:00 but there is a sports game that he
desperately wants to watch.
His wife, Anna, comes running to open the door for him.  "Hi,
Carl.  I didn't know you were going to be home early."
He ignores her and runs into the TV room.  His daughter, Malena,
is watching cartoons, and another daughter, Dana, is playing with
trucks.  Carl, who has always felt that cartoons are stupid,
snatches the remote from Malena without even saying hi and
switches the channel to the game, then yells, "QUIET!" His
daughters, frightened, run away and Carl smiles with glee.  He
plops down on the couch, flips off his shoes, and even goes so
far as taking his socks off, creating added stink in the room.
He spreads his large body on the whole couch, to make sure nobody
else can sit there.  If his pals are there, he'd move for them to
make room, but he has that luxury of being by himself.
Anna comes over.  "You forgot your chips, Carl," she says,
handing him 3 bags of jalapeno chips.  Carl just grunts in
response and begins crunching on the chips loudly.
Two hours later, the game is over, and it's time for dinner.
"You made me spaghetti, didn't you?" Carl asks.  "Because you
better have."
"Of course I did, sweetie," says Anna.
"And did you use parmesan and mozzarella cheese like I said?"
asks Carl.
"Of course.  What else would I use?"
"Well, you could use cheddar, if you wanted.  That would be
interesting."
Anna is surprised at how helpful her husband is being.  That's
rare these days.  "Really, Carl? That sounds amazing!"
Carl repeats it louder.  "You could use cheddar if you wanted
to." Then he adds, "But then, I'd have to kick you out of the
house!"
Anna stiffens, and Carl smiles.
Carl lumbers up to get a cold beer from the refrigerator.  He
comes back to the table and begins eating.
The conversations begin.
"Mommy, I'd like to be a goblin for Halloween," Malena says.
"Really? That would be wonderful."
"Can you get me a costume?"
Before Anna can respond, Carl, probably influenced by the bubbles
in his beer, lets out a long, loud burp.  He doesn't excuse
himself; he only does that out in public.  And if any of the
females said "Excuse you", then Carl would definetly have made
sure that their head would be added to the next batch of
spaghetti.
"We have a rock concert today, honey, remember?" Anna asks.
"You've been looking forward to it all the time."
"Of course I remember!" Carl says, insulted.  "One of my pals is
in the band.  Hey Anna, you really overdid the sauce.  It's
disgusting!"
"It's really not that bad," Malena says.
Oops.
"I said, it's DISGUSTING!" repeats Carl.  "But since you like it,
I'll..." He interrupts himself, then pours all of his sauce on
his daughter's head.
When Carl and his family arrive at the concert, they decide to
join a mutual friend, Stanley, who is also there.  Stanley, who
has known Carl for a while, shares his love for music, but has
always been stone-cold sober.
"Hi," Stanley says to the family.  Then he turned to Malena.
"What happened with the spaghetti?"
Before Malena can respond, Carl answers for her.  "Oh, it was
nothing.  She spilled it on herself by accident, and you know,
there was no time for her to shower, so she's just like that." He
turns to Anna.  "Can I get you anything to drink, honey?"
Anna knows this isn't sincere.  But she loves it anyway.  "Could
you get me a root-beer?"
"Of course! And I must not forget my 2 BEAUTIFUL daughters!" Carl
is really overdoing it.  "Would you 2 lovely ladies desire
rootbeer as well?"
They do.
During the concert, Anna becomes emotional about the lyrics of
one of the songs, for personal reasons.  She tries not to, but
she eventually does, cry.
"What's wrong, honey?" Carl asks, putting his arm around her.
This isn't the Carl Anna knows from home.  At home, he would have
called her a "sissy", and much more.
Carl gets his wife a tissue, which she uses, then clumsily drops
on the ground.  He even goes so far as to pick it up for her.  At
home, if Carl dropped his own tissue he'd probably step on it,
smashing it into little bits for Anna to pick up.
When Anna and Carl get home, they update their blogs.  They
actually have rival blogs.  Anna's is called "Housemaid Married
to a Pig." There, she pours out all of her woes.  She states
everything Carl did that day, and how unfair life is.  She used
to have supportive friends who read the blog whom she would
e-mail, but they all got tired of the fact that Anna always
complained and never followed their advice or did anything to
better her life.  Anna also can't spell (or won't spell-check),
which gives Carl more ammunition.
There are usually four or five comments on Anna's blog during
each entry.  Since she has lost friends, most of them are usually
from sympathetic Google searchers that don't know her very well.
There is also always one comment from Carl himself, criticizing
her even more.  Anna, whose only ability on the computer is to
write the blog and read e-mails, has never seen these comments.
What Anna doesn't know is that Carl has a blog too.  It's called
"Pig Democrat." He always waits for Anna to finish so he can
comment on her blog, and then he updates his blog.  He always
makes sure to spell-check because he wants to make himself seem
intelligent.  Carl will not only write about how bad Anna is, but
he will also write about casual things, such as the weather, and
get into political debates.  He is basically open to any
political debate with a friend.  He allows any friend to disagree
with him on his blog, though he always has a comeback for it and
always tries to make that comeback twice as long.
Anna thinks to herself that it didn't used to be this way.  Carl
used to be a lot nicer, and sometimes he still is.  He has often
apologized after making comments, but he has never been willing
to change, always making excuses for himself and siting
depression for his anger.  She thinks part of this behavior,
which started last year, has to do with the fact that his back is
constantly giving out-and then she thinks sympathetically of what
the poor man must go through every day.
This is just a typical day for the poor family.  Little will Anna
know that tomorrow, her life will be thrown upside-down again;
Carl will be killed and smashed flat like a pancake after
crashing his car, and she will become sad, not able to think for
herself.  She will then feel a sense of longing for the life
before.  She will miss her provider.

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