[stylist] The Erasure Poem_Jackie
Jackie Williams
jackieleepoet at cox.net
Sun Jun 21 19:19:01 UTC 2015
Lynda,
I am overwhelmed by your analysis of my poem. You are such a student of the past, both historically and religiously, that I learned a great deal from your critique of the ideas.
Actually, for me, it was a sort of venting of a process that even those around me have no real understanding of, and nothing I really want to share with them. One must simply learn to live with these erasures, keep writing poetry about other things, and be like your friend of so long ago, and try to inspire and show an eager outlook on what is left.
Yes, I will e-mail you after another answer or two on the list.
Your interpretation of how God might be at work was fascinating to me. I do not tend to give him excuses. An example is the news going on about the nine people killed in S. Carolina and the statement by a member of the church that they must have faith that this was God's plan. But that is an entirely loaded subject to discuss, so I won't.
Jackie Lee
A gun is the school in which many learn.
Guns are the fires in which many burn.
After Delmore Schwartz
-----Original Message-----
From: stylist [mailto:stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Lynda Lambert via stylist
Sent: Saturday, June 20, 2015 7:56 AM
To: Writers' Division Mailing List
Cc: Lynda Lambert
Subject: Re: [stylist] The Erasure Poem Jackie
Hi Jackie,
thank you for sending this poem and the outline you were given to work with
on a writing assignment. I love to read your work - a brilliant mind is
ever present there.
No, I had never read the "Erasure" poem and it is beyond powerful. I love
how you turn things around, with the assignment you were given, and made it
your own. It is so rich in imagery and recollected thought - more so than
than if you would have done the blackout, for this topic. What the
"Disappearing Poem" does is force the student to begin to look for the
essence that is in the document she has chosen to work from. They have to
pick through the wordiness of the original piece, and extract only what is
absolutely necessary, and in doing this, everything changes completely and
you often end up with a topic or idea you never realized was there. It is
like hunting for a buried treasure.
Your poem is effective for so many reasons:
It speaks of a truth that is hidden from a younger person;
One by one, you reveal aspects of the normal aging process of a human being;
you expose the innermost thoughts of the person, *your self* who
experiences the changes;
And, for my thesis for my tenure review and promotion at the college, my
project was called "World of Memory." There is a recollection, which is a
theme that has been present in my own work my entire life. Recollection was
the bases of all my work in graduate school and my thesis - I called it "A
Commemorative Recollection" and memory is the focus of that text.
Your themes here in this poem go all the way back in writing history to
Greek sources in philosophy - clearly - and the ancient sources can be
traced from in early philosophy in Athens, to the present . I am working a
lot this entire year on ancient texts and origins of ideas, finding the
sources of contemporary notions - you have so many of them right here in
your poem.
Quote:
" Erasures of attention—things you want to learn and know
turn to daydreams and drifting memories" — end of quote.
You so clearly show the human drive to learn and expand as all humans do.
It's in our spirit and our soul to learn, expand, change...and feel like we
are marking some kind of progress, isn't it!
But, here I believe you have a key to "knowing" in a different way than we
might have thought. We learn through daydreams and drifting memories, and
it is a rare young person who learns this in the early years of life -
daydreams are the magic of life - to be highly desired above riches or
financial success. Without daydreams and layers of memories, we have little
to be excited about, and much less to offer anyone else. Without daydreams
we become sterile and rigid. As a professor, I often saw young students who
had already abandoned daydreams, if they ever had them at all. Some young
students were already bound by fears of change and growth. You show here
that even as your body deteriorates in so many ways, the human spirit still
longs for dancing, responding to music and listening to all of life around
them. Your descriptions of erasure reflect your wisdom in understanding
daily shifts and down stepping in strength and physical abilities.
This all reminds me of how I began to understand what growing older means -
as I had conversations with my neighbor who was in her 80s and I was in my
40s at the time. Watching her and talking about her own physical challenges
helped me to understand what my own life would bring. I think of her so
often though she has been gone for over 30 years now. She was a wise woman,
and I was a wise young mother who knew to listen carefully to her stories.
You express a rage, as well you should, from the beginning of the poem all
the way through - and you go forward with that feeling through all the
painful changes as you live them out.
You end by giving us a final image of God sifting through the wreckage of
your life, your poems - and stealing them to use in the creation of
something new. Here, you are giving a nod to postmodernism and
"appropriation" of former works - this is when contemporary writers,
philosophers, and artists take something from the past and "re-present" it
as something new. But, appropriation is not the same as plagiarism, because
in appropriation, the creator is clear about who first created this picture
and that person is named as a co-creator of the new work. I view
appropriation in a positive light for I understand that all we create is
gleaned (as God is gleaning your work here), from the past - through all the
centuries of creation. God here is an excavator of artifacts, as I see him.
And, Jackie, how many many artifacts you have buried, waiting for the
archaeologist to discover! Wow - that blows me away when I stop to think
about it!
You leave me with the question as to whether God will be picking through
your life and presenting it as his own work (plagiarism) or will he be
re-presenting your words in a new way (appropriation) and you and He will be
co-creators of something that will be formed at a future time?
Lynda
-----Original Message-----
From: Barbara HAMMEL via stylist
Sent: Friday, June 19, 2015 8:15 PM
To: Writers' Division Mailing List
Cc: Barbara HAMMEL
Subject: Re: [stylist] The Erasure Poem
I'm going to try this with a poem I wrote that has MUCH repetition. My son
who talks a little always loved to chant "There's the sun, there's the sun,
there's the sun." So I'm starting by removing those words and I'll see where
it goes from there.
Barbara
Sent from my iPhone
> On Jun 19, 2015, at 18:39, Jackie Williams via stylist
> <stylist at nfbnet.org> wrote:
>
> Lynda,
> Somehow, you never got the poem I sent Bill. I opened your website and
> read about your poem and realized it was the same method as mine. Mine was
> n assignment from my poetry class, and I changed it simply using the idea.
> I am attaching it and also copying it herein.
> An explanation of the form, and its opposite, the black-out poem, is at
> the end of the poem
> It is depressing, but also the truth of what happens..
>
> Not One of Us is Free From the Erasure
>
> “Poetry… emotion recalled in tranquility.”
> Hogwash. Emotion recollected in rage, in grief,
> in loneliness, in erasures, the frustration
> of memories lost—the final content of our poetry.
>
> Erasures of body parts that no longer work—
> the hidden control of the bladder and bowels,
> fingers no longer holding tight, knees no longer
> lifting us, taste buds making everything taste bland.
>
> Erasures put together—treasured moments—
> a life in passing, hearing the details that cause laughter,
> seeing the fine-tuned expression on a loved-one’s face,
> to hear that wail—the soul of the Blues, a throbbing boogie beat,
>
> but not having the balance to dance and move to the beat.
> No transportation to beloved activities—
> concerts, jazz festivals, debates, ballets.
> No end to shrinking telomeres, non-functioning synapses.
>
> Erasures of attention—things you want to learn and know
> turn to daydreams and drifting memories—
> the poet’s view of words, the fast-moving loss of them
> steals names of persons, things and places.
>
> If an erasure is erasing parts of myself to create
> something new and original, then God is picking
> through my after-life. Plagiarism is not far behind.
> If this is a new form of poetry, it will not be mine.
>
> Jacqueline Williams April, 2015 24 lines
>
> About This Poem
>
> Our teacher used a handout from Writer’s Digest by Robert Lee Brewer about
> the poetic form named Erasure. You erase the parts of the poem that
> inspire you and make a new poem of them. In researching this further, I
> found the flip side of this is a “Blackout” poem. Here you leave the
> original piece of work that you want and blackout the rest. You must
> observe the 50% rule and name the source.
> I used this form, instead, as an extended metaphor for what happens in old
> age. While depressing, if you live long enough, it is the truth.
> One could instead, use all of those erased parts and write a wonderful
> Eulogy. In either case, it is not plagiarism.
>
>
> Jackie Lee
>
> Time is the school in which we learn.
> Time is the fire in which we burn.
> Delmore Schwartz
>
> -----Original Message-----
> From: stylist [mailto:stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Lynda
> Lambert via stylist
> Sent: Friday, June 19, 2015 1:29 PM
> To: Writers' Division Mailing List
> Cc: Lynda Lambert
> Subject: Re: [stylist] The Disappearing Poem
>
> oops! I forgot to include the link for it. Here it is:
>
> http://lyndalambert.com/disappearing-poem-writing-assignment-23/
>
>
> -----Original Message-----
> From: Lynda Lambert via stylist
> Sent: Friday, June 19, 2015 12:54 PM
> To: Writers' Division Mailing List
> Cc: Lynda Lambert
> Subject: Re: [stylist] The Disappearing Poem
>
> Since I am having some issues with the computer today, I will tag this on
> a
> piece I received and responded to earlier today.
>
> For some members who would like to do some experimental poetry - here is a
> great one that anyone can do and end up with something pretty cool This
> poem form was published today on *Walking by Inner Vision* - the 23rd
> writing project in the series of fifty that will be on the blog this year.
> With special *thanks* to *Trevelocity.com* for the inspiration they sent
> out in the email I received yesterday. Have a great weekend everyone!
> Lynda
>
> -----Original Message-----
> From: Jackie Williams via stylist
> Sent: Friday, June 19, 2015 11:42 AM
> To: 'Writers' Division Mailing List'
> Cc: Jackie Williams
> Subject: Re: [stylist] poem revisions, as per your request
>
> Barbara,
> I hope you can open this attachment. I will also cut and paste it below
> and
> hope it comes out in the proper format. I used m dashes for the checking
> off
> of the points you are critiquing for.
> I gave a three hour workshop for my poetry group, and the feedback was
> that
> it was the most valuable lesson they had ever had. The material came from
> a
> long article in "The Writer Magazine," so all I can take credit for is
> condensing it to manageable and more comprehensible form. I think I have
> credited the author in this handout, but I also gave the class her
> original
> article, all four pages of it.
> If there are terms you do not understand, Google and study them
> I have simplified her points for your check list.
>
> — Is the subject widely relevant and accessible?
>
> — Big issue; love, peace—original treatment?
>
> — Is the poem framed? By Title, ending, metaphor, or other device?
>
> — Does the form of the poem seem to fit the content and structure? We
> have had many forms assigned lately. A good question to ask ourselves.
>
> — If the poem is rhymed, does it sound forced? Is enjambment used to
> help avoid this problem? Are archaic words, or inversions used to make
> the
> rhyme to fit the form?
>
> — Does the reader stumble over the rhythm or meter of a poem?
>
> — Capitalization and punctuation. Does something like an over-used
> m-dash bother you?
>
> — Underline and think about getting rid of profuse articles (and, but,
> etc.)adjectives, pronouns and adverbs.
> Remember, each adjective weakens a noun, each adverb weakens a verb. Hard
> for me to learn!
>
> — Unless a specific category, be hesitant about a visual presentation.
> I have been guilty of this. Will fix them back to their original asap.
>
> — Do you see any clichés? Make something different.
>
> — Can you identify a metaphor or simile? Internally consistent?
>
> — Word Choice: Appropriate? Ask Georgia. Look up other synonyms.
>
> — Showing or telling. Another difficult skill to get the hang of.
> Which do you see in the poem you are reading?
>
> — Do all the elements mentioned above hang together?
> (If we knew all this, would we have to be here?)
>
>
> Number the ones that concern you yourself. Prioritize, then try to use
> them
> consistently when you re-write your first draft.
>
> Here is the title and author of the long article.
>
> Critiquing Poetry (Including Your Own
> by Gwyneth Box
>
> Jackie Lee
>
> Revision is the school in which we learn.
> Revision is the fire in which we burn.
> After Delmore Schwartz
>
> -----Original Message-----
> From: Barbara HAMMEL [mailto:poetlori8 at msn.com]
> Sent: Thursday, June 18, 2015 8:26 PM
> To: Writers' Division Mailing List
> Cc: Jackie Williams
> Subject: Re: [stylist] poem revisions
>
> Please do, Jackie. Even if I choose not to revise after all, others may
> benefit and they could be things I can think about when I write
> henceforth.
> I need to do something because I'm just stuck. I like to write at least
> one
> poem a month but whether it's because emotions are running too deep around
> here or just what, I missed last month. No, I'll never become a published
> writer of any proliferation unless I do it myself and sell to my friends
> or
> something. Yet, there is a part of me that always wanted to be a famous
> poet. I don't have a thick enough skin for that, though.
>
> Barbara
> Sent from my iPhone
>
>>> On Jun 18, 2015, at 22:14, Jackie Williams via stylist
>> <stylist at nfbnet.org> wrote:
>>
>> Barbara,
>> You really struck a note in your questions about revisions, and you have
>> many excellent ideas for doing this.
>> My suggestion is that you first ask yourself why you keep writing
>> poetry.
>
>> If your primary goal is to be published, you will definitely want to
> revise,
>> tweak, change titles, or last lines in order to be able to keep
>> submitting
>> that poem.
>> If you are writing because you just love writing, need an outlet, and
>> want
>> to protect exactly what your outlet was, you can just keep writing new
> poems
>> using what you have learned. Keep organizing them as you have.
>> If you simply want to leave all of your thoughts to your family, all of
> your
>> organizing might be discouraging to someone looking for your work in your
>> computer.
>> If you choose to revise many of those you have, you could use just the
> most
>> important of your folders, perhaps combine the original title, date,
> first
>> revision and new date. One extra item that is all important to me is
> putting
>> the line length in the title. There is a limit to this in all poetry
>> contests.
>> I would encourage you to spend your valuable time to submit what you feel
>> your best poems are.
>> As far as where you start in revision, I can send you and all a list of
>> everything one looks for in critiquing a poem, and you can follow that
> list
>> and check them off one by one, or just pick one or two items.. I will
>> not
>> do this unless requested as one needs to want the critiquing first.
>>
>> Jackie Lee
>>
>> Poetry is a school in which we learn.
>> Poetry is the fire in which we burn.
>> After Delmore Schwartz
>>
>> -----Original Message-----
>> From: stylist [mailto:stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Barbara
>> HAMMEL via stylist
>> Sent: Thursday, June 18, 2015 3:25 PM
>> To: Pagan Tree
>> Cc: Barbara HAMMEL; Writers' Division Mailing List
>> Subject: Re: [stylist] poem revisions
>>
>> It was Picasso who had the blue phase but how do I even go about
> approaching
>> them? They insist that they don't want to change. I suppose breaking
> lines?
>> Equaling out syllables in lines? Ooo! Get a thesaurus and change all the
>> words? (Where would I find one of those for my iPhone?) I'm getting
> excited
>> about trying this but that whole folder of them is still screaming "leave
> us
>> alone!" LOL!
>>
>> Sent from my iPhone
>>
>>> On Jun 18, 2015, at 16:45, Pagan Tree <3rdeyeonly at gmail.com> wrote:
>>>
>>> Barbara, Another thing to think about, as if you do not have enough
>> already, is the many directions rewrites could go. Sometimes I draft
>> something because a particular line or thought has come to mind. I return
> to
>> it at a later time and it goes in a direction I did not originally plan.
>> Maybe I will again, later, return to original draft and it will go in a
>> completely different direction.
>>> In other words, one initial thought could be the basis for creating
>> multiple pieces, whether poetry or stories.
>>> It is kind of kin to a series of paintings that follow a theme, a
>> collection of works. For example Van Gogh's Blue Period. He started with
> the
>> idea of 'blue' and it manifested in multiple forms. Your poetry is just
>> as
>> fluid.
>>> This does not help with your organization issues, but have fun with it
> and
>> go where the wind takes you.
>>> Eve
>>>
>>>> On Thu, Jun 18, 2015 at 2:06 PM, Barbara HAMMEL via stylist
>> <stylist at nfbnet.org> wrote:
>>>> See, and the problem falls that I abhor change in my life and that
>> carries over to my writing. Good idea a copyright dates. I could either
> call
>> the new one title (revised) or call the old one title (draft). I like
> that.
>> Now I just have to free my mind to do it.
>>>> Barbara
>>>>
>>>> Sent from my iPhone
>>>>
>>>>> On Jun 18, 2015, at 15:42, Lynda Lambert via stylist
>> <stylist at nfbnet.org> wrote:
>>>>>
>>>>> OH, I love this, Bill! - your quote," I've adopted a kind of joyful
>>>>> bloodymindedness about it all, so there's not even a twinge of pain
>>>>> about doing this."
>>>>>
>>>>> I do this kind of rewriting and editing often, and it's not unusual
>>>>> for
>> me to work on something for months at a time...after all poetry is a
> *craft
>> * and I have that joyful feeling Bill speaks of when I am CRAFTING my
>> writing possibilities as I work on them. I call them *works* for that is
>> what they are - constructions as WCW would call them. We create, build,
>> tear down, build more, and tear into them again and again - until the new
>> essence is found. It is a great feeling.
>>>>>
>>>>> This note from Bill is a keeper - it's all about the growth of the
>> person as well as the poem. It's about change, and livingness, and fresh
>> thoughts and ideas. bill, I just loved this post - you reflect my thought
> on
>> it.
>>>>> Barbara, one thing that can be done is to do the copyright with the
>>>>> new
>> date on the newly revised poem In my chronology, I will write both dates
> on
>> the poem if I still call it by the same title. I can tell by the
> copyright
>> date with is the old one and which is the new one. but, often I revise it
> so
>> drastically it gets a new title, too. Lynda
>>>>>
>>>>> -----Original Message----- From: William L Houts via stylist
>>>>> Sent: Thursday, June 18, 2015 1:27 PM
>>>>> To: stylist at nfbnet.org
>>>>> Cc: William L Houts
>>>>> Subject: Re: [stylist] poem revisions
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>> HI Barbara,
>>>>>
>>>>> I make a kind of game out of my revisions. Sometimes, I'll just
>>>>> cruise
>>>>> through my poetry folder ("Cosmos") and rnandomly give a once over to
>>>>> one or even several poems; just eyeball them to see how I feel days,
>>>>> weeks or months after first writing them. Gradually, over time, all of
>>>>> myh poems get at least minor revisions, and over the long haul they
>>>>> all
>>>>> get at least two or three overhauls. I've adopted a kind of joyful
>>>>> bloodymindedness about it all, so there's not even a twinge of pain
>>>>> about doing this, and I feel that my poetry in general really does
>>>>> improve with time. I used to be very squeamish and protective about
>>>>> my
>>>>> stuff, and had a real case of the horrors when it came to editing.
>>>>> But
>>>>> now I really enjoy the process and my work in general has, I feel,
>>>>> improved. My advice is to keep in mind that Word documents (or
>>>>> Wordperfect or what have you) exist in order to be revised. It's so
>>>>> easy to delete, and almost as easy to rewrite, to commit new thoughts
>> to
>>>>> the page that there's no reason to sufferthrough the process. Just
>>>>> remember that hope springs eternal --and so does poetry. >grin<
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>> --Bill
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>> On 6/18/2015 9:36 AM, Barbara HAMMEL via stylist wrote:
>>>>>>
>>>>>> I know, for years I've been saying I was going to try revising my
>> poems. As you know, I have always thought a poem complete and the way it
> was
>> meant to be until you fine folks informed me that improvements could be
> made
>> on them. But, somehow, I can't bring myself to do it because it would
>> mess
>> up my extensively organized folders by doing that. My question is, do you
>> then count a revised poem as a new one? You'll probably tell me it's up
>> to
>> me what I do but I need help tricking my brain because if I rewrite
>> something, seems to me it should have a new date. I have actually sorted
> my
>> poems into ones I want to work on revising and which are too personal or
> too
>> awful or stupid to waste my time improving on.
>>>>>> Barbara
>>>>>> Sent from my iPhone
>>>>>> _______________________________________________
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>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>> --
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>> "Oh, Sophie! Whyfore have you eated all de cheeldren?"
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>> _______________________________________________
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