[stylist] Fiction Short Story Hindsight

[Jennifer Applegate]

Hello all,

 

I would appreciate some constructive feedback on my fiction story. I am also
trying to figure out how to cut about 1,800 words, so I appreciate any
suggestions about cutting areas that are not important to the story.

 

Thank you,

 

Jennifer Applegate

 

Hindsight

     In 1988, yellow warn leaves lined the black asphalt parking lot, as  a
beautiful blue-eyed, blond hair, eight year old girl, Kelley, was dropped
off at school by her handsome, blue-eyed, brown hair, middle aged    dad.
the passenger seatbelt clicked off, and the door of her family's dark blue
Ford Aerostar van quickly opened.  Kelley's dad said, "See you later
alligator.  I hope you have a great day.  I love you!" "Bye daddy.  I hope
today is fun.  Love you too!"  A soft yellow v-neck short sleeve shirt and
dark brown jeans with a matching brown backpack adorned her, as she walked
with pep in her step down the sidewalk past the red, white, and blue flag
pole, until she approached the one story bright yellow brick building.  As
the door opened in front of her, she felt a rush of cool air.  Teal, her
best friend, said, "You look nice today."  "Thanks!"  They entered the
school building and quickly walked to the Cafeteria to wait for the first
period bell.  Kelley asked, "So, um, did you get all your homework done?"
"Yeah.  How bout you?"  "Um, yeah.  My mom helped me with my math homework -
getting ready for that hard math quiz.  I'm slow writing answers.  She made
me say my answers super fast.  It helps me get faster."  Teal asked, "You
excited bout art today?"  "Uh, I'm always excited bout art class, it's my
favorite."  She had a fun morning of classes, recess, and lunch, but by the
afternoon she heard a loud sound of thunder and rain.

     Now in English class, Kelley paused at her teacher's desk to gaze at
family picture frames, along with a red apple, miniature patriotic flag,
black plaque with "Readers are Leaders.", and red leather bible engraved
with the scriptures, Philippians 4:16 and Jeremiah 29:11.  To the left of
the desk, she saw a black chalkboard with the words, "Mrs. Tostada's English
Class."  She walked past a few rows of tables noticing other classmate's
bright colored backpacks. She sat down at the desk in the back, and put down
her brown backpack.

     Kelley gazed at the pastel colored pearl bracelet on her right wrist, a
present from her mom, and thought about her recent adventurous birthday on
June sixth.  After swim team practice at Teal's neighborhood country club,
Kelley opened the side door of her family's dark blue van in the parking
lot. With a bright red face, she asked her friends, "What are all of you
doing in here?"  "Surprise!  We are going with you and your mom to the beach
in Galveston."  Upon first arriving at the beach, she smoothed a chunk of
sunscreen into her pale white skin.  Next, she sat her pink beach bag next
to two green wood chairs decorated with palm trees.  She sat in one of them,
while she played Uno and Go Fish with one friend, Meagan.  Later, she dipped
her toes into the cold blue ocean water.  Suddenly, she saw her other
friends standing next to a huge sandcastle, with the words happy birthday
carved on the front  , and shells sticking out the top.  She played in the
ocean with them for a few hours until lunch time.  Everyone ate pizza, and
Kelley ate cheese mushroom, her favorite.  At TCBy, where her cousin Amy
worked, they mingled at their table, while they waited for ice cream and
cake.  Kelley's face illuminated with a big smile, as her eyes   opened wide
at a large rectangular chocolate cake decorated like a beach scene with
eight lit candles.  She gasped out air, as she wished about her family's
next vacation destination.

Kelley looked down at her yellow leather strap watch on her left wrist.
Mrs. Tostada took attendance when class began, and Kelley raised her hand to
notify she was present.  Then  Mrs. Tostada said, "Everyone needs to look at
the chalkboard, as I have written some questions for you to answer about
today's reading of chapter one of "Dare To Dream."  She asked, "Can everyone
see my questions from where they're sitting?"  "Yees!" said the students.
"Great.  After everyone is done reading and answering the questions, we will
discuss them."  Squinting to see the chalkboard, Kelley leaned forward with
her elbows on the table trying her best to see it.  The teacher's writing
was blurry like a camera lens out of focus.  She slowly opened her book on
the rectangular wooden desk, took her patriotic bookmark out of it, and
started reading the assigned chapter.  Turning every page slowly with a
pause, she glanced down at her watch.  Mrs. Tostada said "Okay class, it is
time to discuss the answers.  Kelly, what was your answer for the second
question?"  Looking down, she replied, "Um, I d-d-don't know."  "Are you
sure you don't know?"  "Um, I d-d-don't know."  Mrs. Tostada was puzzled by
her hesitant response, as Kelley was one of her brightest students.

     After class, Mrs. Tostada asked Kelley to stay for a moment.  Mrs.
Tostada asked, "Was there something wrong?"  "Um, uh, I couldn't see your
writing on the board.  It was fuzzy."  "Why didn't you speak up when I asked
if everyone could see the questions I wrote?"  "I said 'yees' with my
friends."  "Why didn't you just say 'no' if you couldn't see the writing on
the board?"  Kelley hesitated, "I don't like feeling different."  Mrs.
Tostada was taken back with Kelley's response, and she suspected that Kelley
might be nearsighted.

     After school, Kelly's parents picked her up and informed her that Mrs.
Tostada called to let them know about her difficulty seeing the chalkboard.
Kelley sat silently in the family's van, as they  rushed through traffic to
get to their family optometrist to have her eyes examined. As Kelley waited
with her parents for the examination, her face became bright red as she
crossed her arms and feet, and her hands began to sweat while her legs were
shaking.  A few minutes passed.  Knock knock knock.  A big man with dark
hair and glasses entered the room.   He sat down close to her, reached out
his hand, and he said, "Hi, I am Doctor Glenze.  Your outfit is pretty.  How
are you today, Kelley?"  "Um, I'm a bit cold, but I'm fine."  "There's
nothing to be nervous about.  I'll try my best to make this examination as
quick and painless as possible.  You know, I have a daughter with blue eyes
too.  There are some letters on the wall, and I want you to attempt to read
them with one eye at a time.  Kelley placed the long stick with a black
circle patch over her left eye, and saw three big blurry black horizontal
lines connected to a vertical line towards the top middle of the wall.  Her
face became bright red, as she said, "I think it's the 'B'."  She covered
her right eye, and she began to see one big blurry black horizontal line
connected to a vertical line.  Again, her face turned bright red, as she
said, "I think it's an 'l'."  After this part of the examination was done,
Dr. Glenze said "You have difficulty seeing at a distance.  Some people can
see great up close like you, but have difficulty seeing at a distance.
Other people have difficulty seeing up close.  To help people see their
best, we give them glasses.  You'll need to get glasses, so you can see the
best you can.  We have a large selection of them, and I'm sure your parents
can help you find the coolest prettiest looking ones."   Dr. Glenze did the
rest of the examination including checking her peripheral vision manually.
Afterwards, Dr. Glenze said, "Kelly, would you like to play some games in
the waiting area while I talk with your parents?"  "I don't want to play
games. I need to take a  nap."  The door squeaked, as she left the room.
Dr. Glenze said to her parents, "She appears to have  Retinitis Pigmentosa.
I suggest getting a second opinion to make sure."  Kelly's mother said "A
second opinion?  What is this you suspect she has?"  "RP is a retina disease
that first attacks night and peripheral vision, and then it attacks central
along with color vision."  Kelley's mom said, "Near-sightedness runs in my
family, but this doesn't."  He responded, "I can refer y'all to Dr.
Gonzales, who specializes in genetics and RP."

While the doctor talked with the parents, Kelly drifted off to fairytale
dream land.  All of the sudden, she was a lifeguard on a beautiful white
beach in Oahu, gazing at the pink golden sun set.  Sitting on her white
chair, wearing a bright red swim suit, she scanned the ocean from a long
distance away as she normally would.  Suddenly, she noticed a boy who looked
no older than six, with red hair, wearing a navy swimsuit, chasing and
swimming after his float that was drifting away.  He had gone against his
mom's rules for when they were in the ocean.  As the waves got faster and
stronger, a panic came over the mom, and she screamed for help.  Since the
other lifeguards had left for the evening, Kelly had to solve this dangerous
situation.  So, she grabbed her lifeguard gear, ran through the sand as fast
as a sprint runner, swam as fast as a mermaid, reached the boy, and brought
him back to shore.  He and his mom were so grateful, as tears of joy rolled
down their faces along with smiles.  His mom said, "Who knows what would
have happened if you had not been there.  I am so grateful that you rescued
my son's life.  How can I ever repay you?"  She said, "Cherish the moments
you have with your son for the rest of your life.  Live life to the fullest
every day, and be thankful for each day he has."

"Kelley! Kelley! Kelley! Come on honey, wake up."  After some nudging from
her mom, she woke up.  Her parents said, "Time to go find you glasses."  "I
hope I don't look like a nerd." "You'll find the coolest and prettiest
looking ones.  The frames will be your favorite color!"  Although, she did
not like every pair she tried on, pretending to be someone else with each
pair she wore was fun.  After half an hour passed, she narrowed her options
to three pairs; purple, sparkly pink, and light green.  Her parents smiled
and nodded with each pair she wore.   Kelley decided on the pink pair, and
Her parent's gave her an approving look.  As she waited at the checkout
counter with her parents for them to buy her new glasses, Kelly thought,
"These must cost a lot."  Even though they were not wealthy, with only one
parent working, when one of their two children needed something, they had
enough money to buy it.

     Afterward, they rushed through more traffic to the office of Dr.
Gonzales.  He ran multiple tests including electroretinography and
peripheral vision.  While Kelly sat in a dark room, she pressed her chin and
forehead against a machine and occasionally clicked a button when she saw a
bright red flashing dot.  Exhausted, she fell asleep half way through the
examination.  At the end of this exhausting day, her parents sat in a white
hospital room and waited for the doctor to return.  Dr. Gonzales said, "How
are y'all doing this afternoon?  "This afternoon has been long."  "Can I
offer you something to drink?"  "Water is fine."  He pulled two cold water
bottles out of his mini refrigerator and handed the bottles to them .  "I'm
so sorry to have to tell y'all this, but she does have RP.  Does anyone on
either side of your families have this?"  They stared at each other and then
replied, "No."  "This RP is recessive, and it's rare."  They asked "How fast
will it progress?"  He explained that it progresses in each person's eyes
randomly throughout their life.  After talking with him, they sat down on
black leather chairs in the waiting area and weaped loudly.

     Kelley slowly opened her eyes and thought, "It's as dark as a haunted
house in here.  Where are my parents? What is that loud noise outside of
this door?"  So she left the room and asked the testing assistant where her
parents were.  The nice older woman pointed Kelley in the right direction,
towards where the black chairs were.  As Kelley arrived there, she could see
tears drooping down their faces, and she asked, "What are y'all crying
about?"  "Doctor Gonzales told us some bad news about your eyes, and we are
not sure what will happen."  He told us he needs to monitor your eyes every
year."  "Oh nooo, I've got to go through this long uncomfortable testing
every year?  Can I get a day off from school?  Will y'all treat me to my
favorite food every time I've got to get tested?"  Her parent's mood
lightened.

     Once they had digested the bad news, they reached out to family and
friends.  Her mom called Kelley's aunt, Molly, to tell her where they were
and to ask if she could come to the hospital.  She did not hesitate to come,
even though it was an hour drive from her home.  She arrived at the
hospital, and as Kelly's parents looked through the glass window they said,
"There is your favorite aunt's green van in the parking lot."  "Great, I
love spending time with her.  She is so fun."   Before her aunt could open
the van door, Kelley and her parents walked through the lobby's front door
to meet her.  Molly said, "Hi Kelley.  I love you!"  "Hi Aunt Molly.  I am
glad to see you.  Love you too!"  They hugged each other.  Molly said to her
parents, "I'm going to give y'all time alone, while we go do something fun
for a few hours."  "Thanks."  Kelley said, "Bye, I'll see y'all later."

     Kelley climbed into her aunt's van, and buckled her seatbelt.  She
heard her aunt clicking on her seatbelt, as Aunt Molly said, "Where would
you like to go?"  "Chucky Cheese!"  Aunt Molly said, "Okay, but first
there's something that I'd like to show you."  "What?"  "It's the house I
and your mom grew up in.  It's not that far from here."  "Okay."  Aunt Molly
pointed out their old two-story home.  I'm sure your mom has told you some
stories about us when we were kids." "Yes".  Did she tell you about how we
used to chase each other around the upstairs area after school, with an old
corded telephone on both ends, trying to reach our mom at work, to tattle
tale on each other?"  "Yes, that reminds me of how me and Dillon, little
bro, chased each other around our old home."  Did she tell you about having
to share a bathroom with me?"  "Somewhat.  She said you took a long time
getting ready for school."  "She got ready real fast.  I suspected she
didn't wash her hair."  Kelley giggled.  "There are so many memories in that
house, but we'll have to save this discussion for later."  As her aunt put
her finger on the button of the radio, Kelley said, "I like to play the
alphabet game when I'm in my family's van.  Can we play it?"  Well, tell me
how you play it."  "See the car in front of your van?"  "Yes."  Every time
you see a letter of the alphabet on a car, you say, "got it, and something
associated with that letter."  Aunt Molly agreed to play it, and they played
all the way to the parking lot of Chuck E. Cheese.  This was one of Kelley's
favorite places to go, as they had lots of kids' games including skit ball.
Kelley loved to play skit ball for a long time, and save up her tickets for
great prizes.  She saw her aunt playing next to her.  She thought, "Is she
playing to help win more tickets?"  Kelley finished playing, and she
surveyed the prize options underneath the glass counter along with prizes on
shelves behind it.  She saw stuffed bears for 75 tickets, and she stared at
a pretty pink one with a red ribbon bow.  Kelley counted her orange tickets,
hoping there were enough, but there were only fifty.  Kelly looked at her
favorite aunt with a big smile, and Molly said, "Here's another 25 tickets,
enough to get the bear.  Do you want anything to eat before we leave?"
"Yes!  I'd like some cheese pizza, cinnamon dessert pizza with icing, and a
chocolate frosty."  After they ate, Aunt Molly said, "You are quiet.  Are
you worried about something?"  "I'm worried about what the kids at school
will say when they see me wearing glasses.  What if rumors are spread about
me?  What if someone calls me a nerd?"  "Your close friends will be okay
with your glasses.  That's only what matters.  Your mom wore glasses in
school too.  I'm sure she could help you deal with it."  Kelley thought,
"What if I can't see to play skit ball one day? I'll miss out on the fun."
After they talked, Aunt Molly drove her home.

Her aunt pulled up to her family's home, a two story reddish-pink brick
building with a wood bench on the front porch, colorful flowers and green
bushes, long winding driveway with a big oak tree to the right of it, and a
two car garage.  Kelley waved bye to her aunt, and she walked through the
front door without knocking.  As she walked past the living room, she saw
her family's close friends and her parents sitting at their breakfast table
with paper plates and food remains.  She wondered what they were doing at
her home this late.  Kelley sat next to her mom.  Everyone held hands, with
their eyes closed, and Kelley heard everyone praying for God to watch over
her eye situation.  She felt so loved.

Fearful about not knowing when their daughter would go blind; these parents
made it their mission to take Kelley on a family road trip during Christmas
break, to visit places of interest and extended family.  As the vacation
started, her face was illuminated and her eyes were drawn to beauty outside
the window of their van.  They headed out of Houston with their luggage and
presents in the back of the van, favorite games, music CDs, cooler loaded
with snacks, favorite pillows, and Kelley's soft pink blanket.  Their
adventure started by traveling to Alabama to visit the space center museum.
Along the way the sun faded into night, and Kelley fell asleep.  She dreamed
she was in outer space on a special mission assignment.  It was her job to
help others working on the mission and navigate the shuttle to their
destination once in outer space.  She was not scared of the dark, as she had
radar night vision and special glow in the dark goggles.  With others
relying on her leadership, she rose to the challenge.  She thought back to
her training days preparing her for the worst, and what caused her to do
this kind of work, how she loved to learn science and geography as a kid.
However, after being away from her family for two weeks, she longed to
return home to her husband and beautiful little girl.  So, the mission
assignment was successful, and the shuttle of astronauts headed back to
earth, landing in Houston.  Kelley woke up, and asked "Are we there yet?"
The next day they had a blast touring the space center.  Then it was on to
Georgia, where her mom's relatives lived.  They lived on a farm and
supported themselves by selling chickens to McDonald's.  Their kids were
around the same age, and they were a blast to play bowling with, explore the
farm, and learn to make peach cobbler with.  Their road trip ended with
visiting her mom's brother, Uncle James, in Washington DC.  He worked for
the Subway transportation system and knew all about historical places for
them to visit.  While staying in Washington DC, Kelley caught a cold.  Each
morning she woke up barely breathing, as her nose was stopped up.  However,
she was excited about getting to visit museums and buildings where
politicians worked, so her dad gave her some NyQuil to help Kelly get
through the day's activities.  They toured the capital building, and as they
toured the Smithsonian Museum, Kelley located a bench to lie down on.
Another dream began and this time it was about being the daughter of a
president.  She wanted to get out of the house to go to the local mall, but
the body guards were everywhere.  She came up with a plan to sneak out
without them noticing.  About an hour later her dad asked the guards where
she was.  They said, "We last saw her in her bedroom.  She must have snuck
out without us noticing."  Her dad said, "Well, you must track her down.
The mall down the street is her favorite place to hang out.  They searched
her favorite clothing stores, found her, and brought her home.  Upon seeing
Kelly, her dad gave her a hug and kissed her on the cheek.

"Kelley! Kelley! Kelley! wake up.  It's time to go see the Wizard of Oz
memorabilia."  That night back at Uncle James's home, her mom said to
Kelley's dad, "You've been drugging her!  How could you give her the wrong
dosage of NyQuil?  No wonder she was so sleepy during our site seeing
today!"  "It was an accident.  I must have misread the required dosage."
"Do you need new glasses?"  Although Kelley was sleepy and sick, she had
good memories of sightseeing with her family.  She loved learning about
government in school, and visiting Washington D.C. was a dream come true.

     In the tenth grade, Kelley struggled to fit in, learn to drive, and
learn math.  She sat at the front of classrooms, was given hard copies of
overhead notes, was allowed extra time to take tests in a separate room, and
wore glasses or contacts every day.  She had begun to become independent,
but she couldn't drive at night due to her night vision getting worse, which
meant she had to rely on her parents to drive her to church related
activities.  Kelley thought about her first day as a senior in high school.
She sat in the senior lunch room waiting for first period to start.  She
realized she was in the wrong class, Water Polo, and she walked quickly
across the campus, up stairs to find her math class.  She kept walking past
the classroom, as her contacts were blurry.  Her teacher noticed her, and
said, "Glad you found the class."  She sat down in the front row of chairs
with her red cheeks displayed.  During the graduation ceremony, she got lost
finding her seat after walking across the podium.

When she was a freshman in college, she only had limited central vision.
Kelley knew about services for students with disabilities, but she didn't
seek them.  She thought to herself, "You can still see good enough to read
regular print.  You don't need special services."  However, she struggled to
keep up with large amounts of homework reading assignments, as her eyes
became tired.  She also had difficulty navigating the college campus.
Relying on residual vision, Kelley thought, "Only ten more stairs to go up
in order to get in the building where her math class was, and only five more
stairs to get inside the on-campus dorm."  As she tripped over the curb
before the stairs, Kelly thought, "Ut oh, ow, another scraped bloody knee. I
don't want anyone to notice it, so I better get to my room quick and get out
my safety aid kit."  After an unsuccessful first year of college, she
retreated back to home, where she remained fearful of failure and grieved
for nearly five  years.  Even when her mom tried to encourage her to go back
to school, by providing her the opportunity to tour the adaptive lab at the
junior college near their home, this didn't help her to move forward with
life, because she couldn't see past her problems. She thought, "I don't want
to risk failing again. I thought I'd always have sight, and now I don't.
Why me?  How could a loving God allow me to go blind."

When Kelley was twenty four, her parents had had enough of the status quo
with her.  Kelley sat on the maroon leather sofa in the living room, as she
watched television for hours, ate junk food, and eavesdropped on phone calls
her parents had with other family.  Kelley thought, "Life's great not having
to think about reality."  Her parents thought, "You have much to contribute
to society, but you can't do this sitting here, living in la-la land.  You
aren't a mistake.  God has a purpose and plan for your life."  They laid
down the rules that she would have to get some help from Department of
Rehabilitation Services, and figure out how to move forward with her life.
As Kelley heard these harsh rules, she retreated to the back porch, and
began to cry uncontrollably.  She thought, "These were the parents that
cried when I was diagnosed with RP, and were supposed to always be there for
me.  Where were they when I needed them the most?"  She felt heaviness come
over her body and mind, as if she couldn't move.  Then she heard words she
thought she'd never hear, "If you don't stop crying, we'll have to send you
to the mental hospital."  A lot of verbal battles between Kelley and her
parents occurred, but she eventually flew to Minnesota without them to
receive much needed blindness training.

     6 months later, Kelley possessed alternative blindness skills. She
could read and write braille, use screen reader software to complete tasks
within Microsoft Office, use other adaptive equipment to listen to books,
and walk with a white cain. She also possessed a new perspective on how
blind people could do almost anything their sighted counterparts could given
the proper training and right opportunity.  Though she had experienced other
blind people living productive purposeful lives, she wasn't ready to move
forward with her life. During her training she developed an eating disorder,
and she had to be flown home on emergency. Her parents forced her to either
go into a rehab center or go to therapy.  So, she began what seemed like the
longest year of her life in therapy.  It started out dealing with the root
cause of her eating disorder, but transitioned to dealing with the issue she
had never come to terms with, her blindness, which caused depression and
anxiety. By month ten, she wanted no more therapy, and had devised a secret
plan to go back to college.  However, her parents found out about it, when
she called to get her transcript transferred to the junior college near her
parent's home, because the college wouldn't release it due to an overdue
library charge of one hundred dollars.  The books couldn't be found, so
Kelley and her parents agreed to split the fee.  Suddenly, memories of her
unsuccessful first year of college due to being in denial about her vision
came back to her.

As a confident self-advocate, she awaited the start of her first semester in
college as a student who is blind.  The night before her first day of
classes, she pondered, "What will students and faculty think and say about
me?"  She thought, "Could I be successful with the pace of school work?"
She wondered, "Would professors work with  me on accommodations, or would
they be resistant?"  Even though there were feelings of fear and anxiety,
she held her head high, as she pictured in her mind the red, white, and blue
flag she saw as an eight year old girl.  It had an additional meaning to
her, as she thought, "Independence and equality for all blind people."  She
entered the college building and navigated her way to the classroom relying
on her White Cain and her memory of orientation and mobility training.
Kelly touched braille to the left of the classroom door to confirm it was
the right room, and it was.  Kelley was about fifteen minutes early, so she
located the bathroom and water fountain.     Now back in the classroom, she
located a seat in the front row and put her stuff down, as she was ready to
learn.  Kelley realized she still didn't know what her future would hold,
but it was okay not to know, because she was on the journey God had planned
her to be on.  He truly had reversed the destiny of her life; a girl who had
thought about ending the overwhelming pain.  Though He had not physically
healed her eyes, He had healed her inner self.