[stylist] {Spam?} Re: {Spam?} Re: {Spam?} Christian sci-fi novel, "Space Friends Indeed", Chapter 1a, 1336 words
John J. Boyer
john at godtouches.org
Fri May 6 22:18:46 UTC 2016
Hi Bridget,
Thanks for the detailed critique. it gives me a lot to think about.
Meanwhille, I've sent the second part of the first chapter to the list.
John
On Fri, May 06, 2016 at 12:29:50PM -0500, Bridgit Kuenning-Pollpeter via stylist wrote:
> In the first sentence, you use the word got. Can you come up with a better
> verb? Got has become a part of popular vernacular, but it's not really
> proper grammar. Maybe he plopped into his car, slid into his car, poured
> into his car, etc. A proper verb can also help indicate mood or personality.
> If the character's tired, he could slump into the car. If happy, maybe hops
> or skips. Just examples.
>
> Perhaps it's just reading funny because this is pasted in, but dialogue
> should be it's own paragraph. So when David speaks to the car, it should be
> its own para, and then when the car speaks, it should be a separate para.
> Every time a new person/character speaks, it should be its own para.
>
> You need a comma before dialogue. When David says, "David Stevens got into
> his car and said (need comma) "Freja(also need comma) go home." When using a
> name in this context, you need a comma.
>
> David informs that his wife is still intellectually stimulating. Can you
> elaborate? How so? This also seems funny, is it supposed to be?
>
> What do you mean by "dog-like mentalities," when describing the robots? It's
> not clear.
>
> Why mention twice that Minnie has a holographic face? After the first time,
> we understand that she has a hologram for a face. It's redundant to mention
> again, especially in such a short span of time.
>
> What's the point of mentioning the pie goes back in the fridge for another
> meal? How does it affect plot or characterization? It seems like filler
> information that's not necessary.
>
> When Kathy ask David if he remembers them meeting, the language is stilted
> and not realistic. A couple married for several years with children would
> not speak so formally. Simulate real speech, how you would say this to your
> significant other.
>
> This seems like it's going one direction then towards the end, it's very
> unclear.
>
> I've also seen this trope done a lot, especially of late. What makes your
> story distinct? What makes your characters distinct? This is currently
> following a lot of other SciFi, dystopian, futuristic, global/environmental
> problem story line so many writers are working with these days. These
> characters need to really stand out, separate themselves so this is not just
> another story about where the world is going. The environmental collapse,
> world concerns, robotic/human engineering, etc., I've seen it a lot. You
> really need to hone in on what makes your story unique. Why should we care
> about these characters. Margaret Atwood and Paolo Bacigalupi are two really
> great authors to look at who are writing stories like this.
>
> Do some studying on grammar and punctuation, especially commas. This has
> several instances of errors like this.
>
> You do not need to constantly use character names. Where appropriate, just
> use the pronoun.
>
> Bridgit
>
> -----Original Message-----
> From: stylist [mailto:stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Barbara
> HAMMEL via stylist
> Sent: Friday, May 06, 2016 11:55 AM
> To: Writers' Division Mailing List <stylist at nfbnet.org>
> Cc: Barbara HAMMEL <poetlori8 at msn.com>
> Subject: [stylist] {Spam?} Re: {Spam?} Christian sci-fi novel, "Space
> Friends Indeed", Chapter 1a, 1336 words
>
>
>
> A careful reread will show you a few places where you used pronouns when a
> noun should have been used. And you didn't need to tell us twice about the
> hologram being the robot's face. Otherwise, I thought the story was fine.
>
> Barbara Hammel
>
> > On May 4, 2016, at 14:16, John J. Boyer via stylist <stylist at nfbnet.org>
> wrote:
> >
> > Here is the first part of Chapter 1 of a Chtistian sci-fi novel I am
> > writing. Your critiques will be fery welcome. This is a work in
> > progress, but it is copyrighted.
> >
> > --------------------------------
> > SPACE FRIENDS INDEED: Chapter 1
> >
> > David Stephens got into his car and said "Freyja Home." "Fasten your
> seat belt, please." said the car in a soft feminine voice. He did so,
> smiling at his
> > absent-mindedness. The vehicle unplugged itself and maneuvered out of
> the parking lot of Best Friend Robots, Inc.
> >
> > David sighed contentedly, relishing the prospect of the twenty-minute
> trip without pressures. it had been a hard but exciting day. His mind was
> still filled with
> > the problems of designing the next version of his robot brain. He tried
> to clear it with thoughts of his wife Kathy and their three children. He and
> Kathy were
> > still very much in love after all these years. Being with her was also
> intellectually stimulating. She was an astrobiology professor at the
> University of
> > Wisconsin. She might have some new information about her current
> research project, the organic goo on Saturn's moon Titan. At ten, Anne
> already had the makings
> > of a scientist. Bob, at six, was near the top of his class. Baby Jenny
> would begin to walk soon. It would be interesting to see how their robotic
> cook and
> > housekeeper was handling its tasks. It was one of the company's products
> that he was testing. So was this car and Kathy's. Both used his robot brain,
> though with
> > different mechanicals. He chuckled: Those old mythologies were a handy
> source of unusual names for the company's robots, which had dog-like
> mentalities. It had
> > been Kathy's idea. Her hobby of amateur archaeology had exposed her to
> them. She had named her car Balder after one of the handsomest of the Norse
> gods. He had
> > named his Freyja, after one of the most beautiful of the goddesses.
> Their robotic maid was named Minnie, but when she was commanded to act as a
> bodyguard she
> > responded to the name Minotaur.
> >
> > His reverie was interrupted by the announcement "Here we are." as the
> car entered his driveway. The garage door opened at its command. It moved
> into the space
> > marked for it on the floor and plugged itself in to top off its
> batteries. Kathy's car was already in its space and plugged in.
> >
> > David went through the door into the house. He sniffed appreciatively
> the aroma of beef stroganoff. In the kitchen Kathy and the two older
> children were watching
> > Minnie, the robot cook, finish the preparations for dinner. Her precise
> movements were beautiful to see. The holographic projector which was her
> face showed an
> > expression of rapt attention. She took the apple pie out of the oven
> with hot mits, because the heat would have damaged her plastic skin and its
> sensors. Putting
> > the beef stroanoff on the table, she added the sour cream. David felt a
> sense of deep satisfaction. The company had hired expert chefs to help
> develop the "cook"
> > software module.
> >
> > Minnie began to lay out the dishes and silverware. Bob felt that he was
> big enough to be useful. At instructions from Kathy Minnie gave him some
> silverware and
> > showed him how to place it. He soon tired of the game. Minnie continued
> with an amused smile on the holographic projector that served her as a face.
> She brought
> > the cooling applle pie and cut it into sections for the four dessert
> plates. the rest would go in the refrigerator for another meal.
> >
> > Dinner now being ready, 10-year-old Anne brought baby Jenny in her
> basinet. Minnie went to sit on her special chair, which had charging coils
> in the seat. She
> > projected an expression of alertness, signifying that she was ready to
> respond if requested. The family seated themselves and began to eat.
> >
> > Kathy said: "Good work, Minnie. Just the right amount of paprika in the
> beef stroganoff. And these vegetables are just right, crisp and tender."
> >
> > David smiled his aproval at Kathy. It was important to praise the robot
> as one might praise a dog, because its principal motives were to please and
> protect its
> > masters.
> >
> > Even the children made no protests about the vegetables. Bob was
> > excited about his beginning classes in computer programming. Anne
> described what her social
> > studies teacher had said that day about the effects of rising carbon
> dioxide levels.
> >
> > At the conclusion of the meal, Minnie began to clear the table. The
> family went to the living room to watch the evening news.
> >
> > The top news stories were about the weather, as was often the case these
> days. California was withering in another multi-year drought. The Outback of
> Australia
> > was being deluged. Rio de Janeiro was sizzling.
> >
> > The news anchor switched to an interview with a scientist from the
> University whom both Kathy and David knew. He noted that rising sea levels
> were threatening
> > New York and Florida. New Orleans would soon have to be abandoned. The
> inhabitants of the Pacific island nation of Vanuto were already thinking of
> where they
> > could move. All this had been predicted in the early years of the
> twenty-first century. Now at mid-Century the predictions were being
> realized. He wound up with
> > warnings that the climate might reach a "tipping point", where great
> changes could occur with catastrophic rapidity. The Anchor extended the
> interview. What
> > could be done? A veil of fine particles could be placed in the
> stratosphere. This would cool the planet as happened after a large volcanic
> eruption. But this
> > would be only a stopgap measure. Burning of fossil fuels would have to
> stop. So would deforestation. And reforestation must be begun.
> >
> > The news stream moved on to politics, which were the usual mess. In this
> presidential election year the candidates were debating acrimoniously about
> what should
> > be done about climate change. The most conservative denied that there
> was a crisis. The most liberal were advocating various impractical schemes,
> such as
> > universal belt-tightening or putting up a giant sunscreen in space.
> >
> > The international scene was roiled by refugees fleeing coastal areas in
> danger of flooding and storm surges. The few dictators were still enriching
> themselves.
> > North Korea had exploded a nuclear bomb 100 kilometers above South Korea
> to show that it could. The resulting electromagnetic pulse had disrupted the
> power grids
> > of both countries. The reigning monarch had blamed his scientists,
> though it was known that they had warned him.
> >
> > David hit the off button on the remote. The 3d figures vanished, leaving
> only a glossy wall across the room. Beside him Kathy looked concerned.
> During the news
> > her hand had stolen into his. Bob was sprawled on the floor, playing
> with his smartphone. Anne came up to him. He was proud of her. She had
> earned her amateur
> > radio license at eight. She had a small station of her own, but she
> liked to operate her father's station, with its many antennas and higher
> power.
> >
> > Now she was asking for the favor. He assented, because tonight he was
> inclined to pursue his other hobby of amateur astronomy. He smiled. She was
> developing a
> > budding interest in radio astronomy. She liked to point his 15-meter
> beam antenna at Sagitarius and listen to the black hole at the center of the
> galaxy, or to
> > point the ten-meter beam at Jupiter and listen to the old pagan god
> talking to himself. He had promised her that one day they would try to pick
> up a pulsar. With
> > a final warning that she must be in bed at her usual time, he stood up
> to get ready.
> >
> > Kathy came with him to make sure he was warmly dressed. Global warming
> or not, January here in Wisconsin was still cold. But she had ulterior
> motives. This
> > became apparent when she raised her head for a kiss and said "Davy, do
> you remember how we met at the University's astronomy club when we were both
> grad
> > students. That started all these wonderful years. Now I have a feeling
> that something really wonderful is about to happen."
> >
> > "Great hearts feel alike. I've had a hunch like that for a while. Where
> could these feelings have come from?"
> >
> > "It couldn't feel so wonderful if it wasn't good."
> >
> >
> > Thanks,
> > --
> > John J. Boyer, Executive Director,
> > GodTouches Digital Ministry, Inc.
> > Email: john at godtouches.org
> > Website: http://www.godtouches.org
> > Location: Madison, Wisconsin, USA
> > Mission: To promote universalPeace, Love and Service
> >
> >
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--
John J. Boyer, Executive Director,
GodTouches Digital Ministry, Inc.
Email: john at godtouches.org
Website: http://www.godtouches.org
Location: Madison, Wisconsin, USA
Mission: To promote universalPeace, Love and Service
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