[stylist] {Spam?} first chapter to share

[Tessa]

Hi Chris,
Thanks, some useful observations.

I have found that when getting off the greyhound, though buses may have 
changed a little since my travels that it was easier to just hold the leash 
while exiting the bus and picking up the harness once on the platform.

I'll have a look at Fran's thoughts re not telling her employer she couldn't 
see, perhaps combine several thoughts into one.

Yes the description of just what she can and can't see is a pain here, the 
greyhound driver wouldn't care, the station master though slightly 
interested doesn't really have time for much small talk. The guy who gives 
her a ride prefers to talk rather than listen to someone else talk. I could 
change that and have him ask those questions but then that would completely 
change the story. I'm not altogether sure that he even realizes that Fran is 
blind, considering the number of times I've been challenged at walmart I 
think there are still an awful lot of people who don't realize what a guide 
dog is. If Mike realized just how much Fran couldn't see, there's no way 
he'd just drop her at the turn off. He might uncouple the trailor and drive 
her in, {I'd have to ask my dad how difficult that would be} but if he did 
that it would completely change the story.

Thanks for your feedback, it's given me something to think about.
Tessa

----- Original Message ----- 
From: "Chris Kuell via stylist" <stylist at nfbnet.org>
To: "'Writers' Division Mailing List'" <stylist at nfbnet.org>
Cc: "Chris Kuell" <ckuell at comcast.net>
Sent: Sunday, October 09, 2016 5:09 PM
Subject: Re: [stylist] {Spam?} first chapter to share


: Hi Tessa,
:
: This is a really good first chapter. Your pacing is good, Fran is an
: interesting character, plus a competent blind woman, which naturally 
appeals
: to readers like me. You use enough details without overdoing it, and have
: set up an intriguing mystery, which leaves readers wanting to turn the 
page.
: So, really good job.
:
: A couple other comments. You have her thinking she didn't tell her 
employer
: she was blind either 2 or 3 times, which is repetitive and unnecessary. 
When
: she gets off the bus, she takes Ruby by her leash, but wouldn't that be 
her
: harness? You hyphenate email, and while I'm no expert, I think the way it 
is
: currently done is with no hyphen.
:
: I noticed that neither the bus station attendant or his friend asked her
: about her blindness. While I understand not wanting to focus on her
: blindness, this might be a good spot to 'show' her explaining it. In other
: words, in a few sentences she could tell the driver about what she can and
: can't see, rather than using internal dialogue as you have. Either way is
: okay, but it's a thought I've had. Personally, I've found strangers always
: ask me about my blindness, how I lost my sight, and so on. And I'll bet 
they
: always ask about guide dogs as well.
:
: Nice job, and thanks for sharing.
:
: Chris
:
:
:
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