[stylist] novel excerpt

[Chris Kuell]

Alyssa,

I'm glad to read that Olivia and Nicki finally had a date, and the little details about New York work well. I also liked how Olivia reacted after seeing Nicki at the farmer's market. Typically realistic. My primary critique of this chapter is the dialogue, which is often clunky or unnecessary. I'll also caution you about relying too heavily on dreams to tell us about Lena and the past. I liked how you used the review in the Times to make Olivia reminisce. Other options might be that Olivia sees a woman who reminds her of Lena. You could start a chapter with a full blown re-creation of the past, then have Olivia snap out of a daydream at work. Be creative, and think about when you sometimes contemplate the past.   

Couples held hands and kissed on benches and the side of the path. - should be 'at' the side of the path.

She was about to stop to buy a soft pretzel with mustard from a food vender when her phone vibrated in her pocket. She passed the man selling pretzels and pulled her phone out of her pocket. "Hello?"
"Hi, Olivia? It's Nicki."
"Hi. How are you?"
"Good, thanks. How are you?
"I'm fine."
"Good."
There was a beat of silence. A woman passed pushing a stroller. Olivia headed towards the side of the path to be out of the way of foot traffic.
 -This idle chit chat should be cut or condensed. Remember--dialogue in novels is quite different than real conversation. Real conversation is pretty boring most of the time. Try something like: after a minute of idle chit chat, Nicki worked up her courage and said...

And the same goes for the end of their conversation. Condense or cut it--we know they must have said goodbye to each other. Keep the story moving.

"She?"
"Yes, her name was Lena," Olivia said into her menu. She didn't meet Nicki's eyes, but she could feel Nicki looking at her. - didn't they have a similar conversation in Chapter 4, and Olivia corrected Nicki by saying the person who hurt her was a she?

Olivia let out a breath she didn't know she was holding and went back to her menu, trying to actually read it. - this is a nice detail, shows emotion
  
Nice job.

Chris