[stylist] Flash fiction-- looking for feedback

[Alyssa Frierson]

Hello,

I've recently written my first piece of flash fiction, tentatively
titled "Lying Lady Lover." It might be part of a series; I'm not sure
yet. I've pasted it below. I was wondering if I could get some
feedback. Does it hold your interest? Would you read more stories with
this character?
Thank you.

You should know that I am a girl who likes girls. You should also know
I have not told my family about this part of myself. I want to become
a vegetarian, but I’m not sure why. It feels like the right thing to
do to help save the planet. My family doesn’t really know this either,
though I think they suspect.
I’m sitting at the dinner table, cutting into my sausage and
pretending it’s a zucchini. My sister, Amelia, is sitting across from
me, yammering on about some boy at school, letting her food get cold.
As I mash my fork into my potatoes, I think about the pretty girl I
saw on the bus earlier today. She got off two stops before me, near
the hospital. I tried not to stare as she walked past, tried not to
notice how she smelled of coffee or how her hair fell in thick dark
ringlets down her back.
I’d also tried not to notice, as she walked away, her tight jeans and
even tighter t-shirt, purple with some writing scribbled across the
front. She’d sat across the aisle and down a little to the left of me,
and I’d been able to tell a few things about her when I stole quick
glances. She looked in her early twenties, about my age,. She wore no
makeup or jewelry, except a silver bracelet on her right wrist. Her
purse was on her lap, and—
“Maggie?” Amelia breaks into my thoughts.
“What?”
She puts emphasis on every word, sounding annoyed. “Pass the potatoes.”
I do, glancing at her half-empty plate before I chase a pea around my
plate with my fork.
She’s saying something else now as she mashes her potatoes, but I’m
not listening. I’m still thinking about the girl on the bus and
wondering where she went when she got off, what her name is, if I’ll
see her again.


-- 
Alyssa Frierson
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http://diabetesdiary.dreamwidth.org/

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