[Stylist] New story--"the Man Who Could Only be Human"

[Jacobson, Shawn D]

Chris

Thank you or looking over my story.  I'm glad that you enjoyed reading it and that you felt it worth your while to critique.

This critique is the most valuable one I've received; but then, your critiques always are valuable.

Pease.

Shawn

-----Original Message-----
From: Stylist [mailto:stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Chris Kuell via Stylist
Sent: Tuesday, April 17, 2018 4:12 PM
To: 'Writers' Division Mailing List' <stylist at nfbnet.org>
Cc: Chris Kuell <ckuell at comcast.net>
Subject: Re: [Stylist] New story--"the Man Who Could Only be Human"

Hey Shawn,

An enjoyable read. In addition to some grammar/spelling/punctuation catches below, I might suggest you add some sensory details to the story. What did the bar look like? The people? How did it smell? Noises? I'd also recommend you eliminate almost all of your semicolons and just break those sentences in two. I think it will read much better.

Chris


"Iowa isn't Eastern," the kid replied hotly "and it's a state, not a city."
CK - rather than using 'hotly', try to show us his heat

"We have this local beer that folk around here like," I say giving him the same kind I'd given the kid.
CK - tense shift. Should be 'said'

I don't get out much," the man said.  "We kind of live too far from here, up in the hills, for this to be a convenient destination..
CK - missing opening quote

anywhere way up in the hills was spirit folk country which explained way there were not many roads, they didn't need them.  
CK - should be 'why'

"Is my husband her," the woman asked.  
- should be 'here'

most powerful tools, was dangerous when misused, like using a chainsaw to take off a wart.
 - I like that a lot

Note being able to do the mind magic stuff dad could do, I wasn't much help.

 - should be 'not'

"When folk get back from this, they're not likely to be in a good mode.
- 'mood'

I know what a cowboy army was.  
- should be 'is', but I'd suggest you rewrite so you end with the word 'army' instead.

I probably would have died to, but I was a coward.  
 - should be 'too', or 'as well'

I did recon that this sort of quest was worthy of being pursued, even if the ultimate end of it all was failure;
 - reckon




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