[Stylist] Request for feedback on flash fiction piece

[Chris Kuell]

Hey Vejas,

 

Thanks for sharing your story with us. Since you are looking for feedback, I’ll share some thoughts. Take ‘em or leave ‘em.

 

First, I’d like to ask what is the point of this story? Is it meant to be a sentimental piece about the teacher and his Dad? Or is it that the teacher feels unfulfilled, teaching snarky, bratty kids who don’t even want to be there, never mind having an appreciation for music? Is the conflict that the student is claustrophobic and needs to get out of there? Or something else?

 

Now that you’ve written it, the point should be clearer in your mind, and you should look for ways to emphasize it. Remember, a good story has conflict and resolution, and these are sometimes in your face, and sometimes subtle.

 

Here, the student resolves the issue by making a snarky comment about claustrophobia. It works, but I think you could do better, especially if that is the real conflict of the story. The problem here is that you’ve written it in first person from the teacher’s perspective, which makes it difficult to show the reader how the student feels. To emphasize the claustrophobia, it would be better to be in first or third person from her perspective. The teacher could still ramble on, but the reader could feel how she feels. I don’t know if you are claustrophobic at all, but if I were writing a character who is, I’d imagine myself in Southern Arizona on a hot summer day, trapped in a stinky port-o-let. Just let that simmer in your mind for a minute and you’ll be able to write like a claustrophobic girl stuck in a closet the teacher calls the piano room.

 

Perhaps the teacher himself was also feeling very closed in as a boy, but when he played piano, he could breathe easier. Perhaps he could remember that and try it with the girl. Maybe classical makes her feel more claustrophobic, but if she played something more contemporary, or jazz, or something different, she could also escape into the music and breathe easier. Perhaps they could make a connection, rather than her taking off.

 

I’m not saying you have to do this, but think about other ways you could work on this story and pull the reader in. Increase tension, make them want to find out what will happen, how will this end.

 

My final comments are for you to remember to brush in a few sensory details. These can really make a story come to life. It’s a flash piece, so you have to be sparing, but does the room smell like an old church? Is there an annoying clock on the wall, tick, tick, ticking away? Maybe a picture of an old woman who seems to be staring at the student and giving her the creeps? Is the student sweating, or does the teacher have a stain on his shirt that the student can’t stop staring at? Or does the teacher find himself counting all the piercings in the girl’s right ear?

 

Your story is good, but you have room to make it better. Good luck.

 

Chris

 

 

 

 

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