[Stylist] Request for feedback on flash fiction piece

[Chris Kuell]

Hey Vejas,

 

I’m glad you found my comments helpful. To me, anyone can jot down a story. Next level writing involves asking—how can I make this story better? How can I bring this place and these characters to life in the reader’s mind?

 

Now that you’ve decided that the teacher is the protagonist, you need to emphasize his story, and you do this through action, dialogue, and internal dialogue. As I read what you have, the first lines are:

                "I'm so claustrophobic in here," moaned Carys.  "I have better things to do than be here.  My boyfriend, Ralph, for example.  Whom I could hang out more with, if it weren't for you and this stupid..." She slumped down with shame.

 

 

You start out from the perspective of the student, which is why I asked is the story about her and her claustrophobia. As you know, your first sentence is perhaps the most important sentence of the piece. You set up the story in the reader’s mind with those initial words. Since this story is about the teacher, try starting out in his perspective. For example:

 

I thought I could detect blood dripping from my ears as the pink-haired girl banged mercilessly on the ivory piano keys. She stopped playing and slumped down as if she were going to take a nap or possibly cry. I experienced both relief for my poor eardrums and annoyance that she obviously hadn’t practiced since last week’s equally painful lesson.

 

“Are you finished?” I asked.

 

“Sorry,” she whined. “It’s so claustrophobic in here. Why don’t you put in a window?”

 

Claustrophobic, an SAT word. Perhaps this stiff-fingered tween with six, no, seven studs bedazzling her earlobes, is brighter than I gave her credit for.

 

And so on.

 

You see how I put the reader right into the teacher’s head? I’d suggest you do something like that.

 

My second piece of advice is to make the teacher more snarky. As written, he’s a nice guy fondly remembering his father, his home, how he first learned to love music. And that’s all very nice, but it’s a little boring. And although the world is full of boring people, and books are full of boring characters—we don’t want to spend our time with them. We want to spend our time with interesting characters. Characters who are genuinely nice, but have an edge. With your teacher, you can “show” his disdain for his mediocre students through his dialogue and actions. No need to say he has disdain for these students—show us.

 

Good luck with your revisions. I think you have a great foundation to work with.

 

Chris

 

 

-------------- next part --------------
An HTML attachment was scrubbed...
URL: <http://nfbnet.org/pipermail/stylist_nfbnet.org/attachments/20191002/64fb1e4b/attachment.html>