[Stylist] Story Description

[Michael Guajardo]

Hello All,

First I want to extend my thanks to Shelley and Chris for their feedback and comments. I very much appreciate it. So I've been editing my short story description. I wasn't quite satisfied with the last description I came up with. I fixed the typos and made some slight adjustments. Again, this is  the first in a series called Guardians of Luum. The first story is entitled Guardians of Luum: the Shop. It is about 36 pages, falls under the fantasy fiction genre, and is intended for young adults. The description below is 170 words. I'd like to know your thoughts. I've also included the previous description at the very bottom of this message, just for comparison purposes. I am much happier with this latest description and unless I receive feedback that points out serious flaws, this will probably be the one I go with. I've also shown this description to others, just to get as much feedback as possible. Thanks everybody for your help!

Michael

Latest Description:
Luum is an enchanted world, a marvelous treasure.  And there are those who will do anything to seize it and take it for their own, be it ancient Gods  or those who wish to become Gods themselves. Luum is under constant threat and so it needs its guardians and of course...its heroes.

Fourteen-year old Jason has the magical ability to read and manipulate magic, which he continues to try and master. But balancing mage studies and home chores is a hard thing to do. He and his older brother Kenny do what they can to help their father with the family merchant business. Today, they're tasked with visiting a mysterious shop located deep in the woods. What are they to do there? Well make a simple trade of course. And they even have crotchety old Tamuk the Mage  to keep them company. Sounds simple enough. But  something is amiss out in these woods, which will put Jason's magic talents  and the survival skills of his companions to the ultimate test.

Previous Description:
Luum is a lush, enchanted world, brimming with powerful magic, majestic landscapes, and the most fantastic creatures ever seen. It is a treasure, and a tempting target for malevolent Gods and those who wish to become Gods themselves. Luum is under constant threat and so it needs its guardians and of course...its heroes.

Fourteen-year old Jason and his older brother Kenny often help their father out with the family merchant business. Today, they're given the task of travelling deep into the woods where they'll find and old shop  owned by Mr. Bashid. And what are they supposed to do there? Well make a simple trade of course. And they even have crotchety old Tamuk the Mage , to keep them company. All in all, a fairly common chore to get done, but today promises to be a day these three will never forget. It all starts with Jason using his magical talent, some flesh eating beetles and...well, you'll have to rad the rest of the story to find out.
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