[Stylist] my first submission

[ckuell at comcast.net]

Hey Orly,

 

Thanks for sharing this chapter with the group. It takes guts to put your
writing out there, and obviously you have plenty of experience doing gutsy
things.

 

This chapter contains a lot of info and experiences. You obviously have a
lot of energy, and that comes across. There are some typos and grammatical
errors, but those are minor. From a bigger picture perspective, I think this
chapter needs more focus. Your adrenaline drive comes through, but perhaps a
little too much. It makes reading a little scattered, and with some revision
I think you could reign that in. Secondly, it seems to me that you have some
tense issues. You start out in the present tense, which is good. And
obviously you need to slip into past tense when talking about things in the
past. As I read this, the two get muddled at times. Think of it as if you
and a friend were talking. You believe and think this now, in the present
tense, and you came to these conclusions by something you did/learned in the
past. It's tricky because in your writing you intermingle the two time
periods, so more separation might make it read easier. Next, it's good to
remember the basic essay writing skills we learned back in high school.
Think-what am I trying to get across in this chapter? What is my point? Do I
begin with a thesis, then back it up in the body of the chapter, then
reinforce it at the end? Obviously you don't want to use a template, and you
want it to be your own unique work, but it's good to remember the basics.

Finally, I suggest you exchange the word 'sensory' for 'sensual' in at least
2 spots in this chapter. Sensual implies pleasant sensations, whereas
sensory implies the use of your other senses, which are heightened by your
adrenaline rush.

 

You have a lot of very cool experiences and a unique, valuable perspective.
I'm not sure what kind of recipe might go along with this chapter-maybe
ghost pepper chili?! Smile.

 

I don't anticipate you will get much valuable feedback from this group. If
you'd like a more detailed critique, contact me off list at
ckuell at comcast.net <mailto:ckuell at comcast.net> 

 

Chris

 

 

 

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