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</o:shapelayout></xml><![endif]--></head><body lang=EN-US link="#0563C1" vlink="#954F72" style='word-wrap:break-word'><div class=WordSection1><p class=MsoNormal>Hi Chris<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>,<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>thank you for all the feedback.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>I’m learning to re-read and re-read/listen with Jaws. I find that when I’m writing and listening, I’m not picking up on being repetative, or changing the tense passed/present. I’d love to connect and get more support.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>thank you for taking the time.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><div><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-family:"Verdana",sans-serif'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><img width=297 height=200 style='width:3.0916in;height:2.0833in' id="Picture_x0020_1" src="cid:image001.jpg@01D70822.13E76100"><o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><b><span lang=EN-CA style='font-family:"Verdana",sans-serif'>Orly Shamir (</span></b><span lang=EN-CA style='font-family:"Verdana",sans-serif'>My Light<b>)<o:p></o:p></b></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span lang=EN-CA style='font-family:"Verdana",sans-serif'>Integrity Based Human Influencer / Chef<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span lang=EN-CA style='font-family:"Verdana",sans-serif'>Website: <a href="https://nourishedbylight.com/"><span style='color:blue'>https://nourishedbylight.com</span></a><o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span lang=EN-CA style='font-family:"Verdana",sans-serif'>Email: <a href="mailto:orlymylight@gmail.com"><span style='color:blue'>orlymylight@gmail.com</span></a><o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span lang=EN-CA style='font-family:"Verdana",sans-serif'>Phone: (954) 559-4105<o:p></o:p></span></p></div><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><div><div style='border:none;border-top:solid #E1E1E1 1.0pt;padding:3.0pt 0in 0in 0in'><p class=MsoNormal><b>From:</b> Stylist <stylist-bounces@nfbnet.org> <b>On Behalf Of </b>Chris Kuell via Stylist<br><b>Sent:</b> Wednesday, February 10, 2021 5:23 PM<br><b>To:</b> 'Writers' Division Mailing List' <stylist@nfbnet.org><br><b>Cc:</b> ckuell@comcast.net<br><b>Subject:</b> Re: [Stylist] my first submission<o:p></o:p></p></div></div><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Hey Orly,<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Thanks for sharing this chapter with the group. It takes guts to put your writing out there, and obviously you have plenty of experience doing gutsy things.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>This chapter contains a lot of info and experiences. You obviously have a lot of energy, and that comes across. There are some typos and grammatical errors, but those are minor. From a bigger picture perspective, I think this chapter needs more focus. Your adrenaline drive comes through, but perhaps a little too much. It makes reading a little scattered, and with some revision I think you could reign that in. Secondly, it seems to me that you have some tense issues. You start out in the present tense, which is good. And obviously you need to slip into past tense when talking about things in the past. As I read this, the two get muddled at times. Think of it as if you and a friend were talking. You believe and think this now, in the present tense, and you came to these conclusions by something you did/learned in the past. It’s tricky because in your writing you intermingle the two time periods, so more separation might make it read easier. Next, it’s good to remember the basic essay writing skills we learned back in high school. Think—what am I trying to get across in this chapter? What is my point? Do I begin with a thesis, then back it up in the body of the chapter, then reinforce it at the end? Obviously you don’t want to use a template, and you want it to be your own unique work, but it’s good to remember the basics.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Finally, I suggest you exchange the word ‘sensory’ for ‘sensual’ in at least 2 spots in this chapter. Sensual implies pleasant sensations, whereas sensory implies the use of your other senses, which are heightened by your adrenaline rush.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>You have a lot of very cool experiences and a unique, valuable perspective. I’m not sure what kind of recipe might go along with this chapter—maybe ghost pepper chili?! Smile.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>I don’t anticipate you will get much valuable feedback from this group. If you’d like a more detailed critique, contact me off list at <a href="mailto:ckuell@comcast.net">ckuell@comcast.net</a><o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Chris<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal> <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p></div></body></html>