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I would agree with Annie. For my two cents, when putting foreign language in a work, the author should either translate it or work in the translation so the reader isn't left scratching his head.
<div>Also, I believe in the second verse "journey" needs an apostrophe because you're speaking of more than one journey. And, I wonder did you want the possessive form fury instead of the plural. You also don't need to divide "cried" because it's a one-syllable
word. <br>
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<div dir="ltr">Barbara Hammel
<div><span style="font-size: 17pt;">We are all but characters in the books of God’s library. — Chris Colfer </span></div>
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<blockquote type="cite">On May 31, 2022, at 17:49, Ann Chiappetta via Stylist <stylist@nfbnet.org> wrote:<br>
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<p class="MsoNormal">Hi there-<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">After reading your intro, two points to ponder in this great piece: “Illumed” might get kind of stuck on the tongue when spoken or sung. I would suggest another synonym more identifiable. I know it goes with the taste of the piece but
it isn’t a word most folks will know. Each word counts. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The Latin is a nice touch and it could be expanded to be repeated in English as a final line thus wrapping up the piece. Or it could be the title, “Fear no evil” or “To feel no evil”
<span style="font-family:"Segoe UI Emoji",sans-serif">😉</span> <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Take or leave my suggestions, this is your work and I am merely a peon of critique.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Best,<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Annie<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">[Verse1]<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Words from the waste-land, burned deep into my soul.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Spectors, formless spectors, just spectors, nothing whole<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">[chorus1]<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">the Headless Woman Cri-ed, Sightless Eyes beHold.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">the Nighttime Shadows Rise, to Warn of Fate unTold.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">[Verse2]<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The spectors punish and taunt, cursing gendered rolls.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">guilty,they found me guilty, and cast as man unwhole<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">[Chorus2]<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">the Headless Woman Cri-ed, SightlessEyes beHold.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">the Nighttime Shadows Sighed, to Find a Heart so Cold.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">[Verse3]<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">this midnight journeys tale, this tongue of fire's told.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">nears its destined end, despite grim furies hold.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">[Chorus3]<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">the Headless Woman Cri-ed, Sightless Eyes illumed.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"non timebo mala", Years Pluck us From our Doom.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">EndOfPoem:<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Richard R. Thomas (Rick USA)<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Sent from <a href="https://go.microsoft.com/fwlink/?LinkId=550986">
Mail</a> for Windows<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<div>
<p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align:center">Ann M. Chiappetta, M.S.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align:center">Making Meaningful ConnectionsThrough Media
<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">914.393.6605 USA<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><a href="mailto:Anniecms64@gmail.com"><span style="color:#0563C1">Anniecms64@gmail.com</span></a><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">All things Annie: <a href="http://www.annchiappetta.com"><span style="color:#0563C1">www.annchiappetta.com</span></a>
<o:p></o:p></p>
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<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
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<p class="MsoNormal"><b>From:</b> Stylist <stylist-bounces@nfbnet.org> <b>On Behalf Of
</b>Richard R. Thomas via Stylist<br>
<b>Sent:</b> Tuesday, May 31, 2022 7:32 AM<br>
<b>To:</b> stylist@nfbnet.org<br>
<b>Cc:</b> Richard R. Thomas <richardrthomas48@gmail.com><br>
<b>Subject:</b> [Stylist] My First Poem<o:p></o:p></p>
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<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Watch out, the poem may wrap in the e-mail client.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">so far the below verse is free-form while the chorus is mostely iambic.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">These are actually lyrics to a song with slight modifications.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The content is indicative of an event that hurt so bad that those involved will never be free of the pain.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The end indicates that despite our tortured souls we dont have to fear, our end is coming soon andwith it the promise of forgiveness and relief.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">A redemption story?<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">[Verse1]<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Words from the waste-land, burned deep into my soul.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Spectors, formless spectors, just spectors, nothing whole<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">[chorus1]<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">the Headless Woman Cri-ed, Sightless Eyes beHold.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">the Nighttime Shadows Rise, to Warn of Fate unTold.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">[Verse2]<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The spectors punish and taunt, cursing gendered rolls.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">guilty,they found me guilty, and cast as man unwhole<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">[Chorus2]<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">the Headless Woman Cri-ed, SightlessEyes beHold.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">the Nighttime Shadows Sighed, to Find a Heart so Cold.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">[Verse3]<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">this midnight journeys tale, this tongue of fire's told.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">nears its destined end, despite grim furies hold.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">[Chorus3]<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">the Headless Woman Cri-ed, Sightless Eyes illumed.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"non timebo mala", Years Pluck us From our Doom.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">EndOfPoem:<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Richard R. Thomas (Rick USA)<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Sent from <a href="https://go.microsoft.com/fwlink/?LinkId=550986">
Mail</a> for Windows<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
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