[blindkid] Dealing with selfish behavior

Linda A.Coccovizzo via blindkid blindkid at nfbnet.org
Wed Jun 4 15:26:32 UTC 2014


Wow.  This thread has been everything I've been thinking and feeling since I was probably a kid.  It's almost like a manual on what makes blind kids tick.  :-) I now have two kids of my own who are also blind, as I am.  I never had an aid, or paraprofessional In class with me, and I think I related to kids my age a whole lot better than my kids do now.  My family also lived in situations that were more conducive to me playing outside with other kids my age.  I put up with a lot of "let's see how we can trick the blind kid."  I wanted friends, so I put up with a lot.  I learned some of that harsh reality stuff like people only hanging out with me because they were told to, or worse, they were somehow made to feel they were to be responsible for me.  We had some religious differences, which made things even more interesting, because that set me apart from the other kids as well.  I think I related to adults more too, as I got older, because for the most part, they were safe.  They weren't going to try and run from me, or take things away, or pit others against me because I was blind.  Mingling with people is still a struggle for me.  Of course it would be easier to just surround myself with my small circle of friends, because there's no danger there.  My girls won't learn anything if I do that though.

Our living situations haven't been the best for creating social situations.  When Sarah and Terra were very little, we bought a house on a busy farm road, and there were literally no kids in the neighborhood.  We built them an awesome playhouse and stuff so they could be outside and have a fun, safe area to play.  We made a decision to move to a larger city three years ago, and I did try and give them opportunities to spend time with neighborhood kids.  They would get outside though, and then I would find the novelty for the kids would wear off, and they would run off, and find something else to do that didn't involve the girls.  I let some of the kids come in and play with the girls, but that family moved soon after, and that stopped.  We now live on a cultisac, and at first there were lots and lots of kids to play with.  I noticed things like what some of you all talked about with the bossiness, and the girls, especially Sarah, creating little games and songs and try and make the girls follow what she wanted to do all the time.  Mean old mom had to step in and try and explain to her that if she didn't try and recognize some of their interests, they were going to get bored, and tired of playing with her so much. I also started seeing kids try and pull some of the same stuff that happened when I was a kid.  Last fall, one of the kids handed Sarah, my oldest, a piece of "ABC" gum, and she took it.  I flipped.  If she's going to be passive enough to take that, then what else will she take from some kid?  She was a year away from middle school, and I probably don't even have to tell you the thoughts I had.  She got a very serious talking to over that, and I can only hope she understood what we were saying to her.  Mostly it seems that the girls dwell on the fact that my talking to them, no matter how I try and use an even tone of voice or whatever, means I am mad at them.  They react the same to teachers and the like.  I wonder if not having that ability to make eye contact makes a difference there.

I did have some issues with VI programs wanting to have paraprofessionals in the classrooms with the girls.  My oldest daughter has some cognative delays, which didn't help discourage that any.  I now have them in the best possible situation I think there is for them though.  There are no paraprofessionals in the classrooms with them.  There is pull-out time set aside in the IEP for braille, as well as a small amount of push-in time.  This is time when either the TVI, or the brailest goes into the classroom to work with them in that setting to se how they can help them best, and tailor the brailing to their needs.  Independence is strongly encouraged.  There is no tolerance for them allowing others to do for them, when they can do for themselves just fine.

I have them both in girl scouts, where they have only been for a year.  This is a work in progress, because the girls are quite self-involved, and the whole point of being a girl scout is to work for others.  I am realizing that I can push them into these social situations, but socialization is up to them.  I can guide them as to what is appropriate and what's not, the best I know how, and that's all I can do.  It's tough for me as well, because I am trying to connect with my sighted peers at the same time I am trying to help the girls make that connection.  I have also worked with Big Brothers Big Sisters, and they now both have a big.  Sometimes I think this might be a step backwards, because there again, it's a connection with one single adult.  However, it's an opportunity for them to get out and have some experiences they might not otherwise have.  It's such a fine line.  I can only hope that I am doing right by them, giving them chances to experience as much as possible, while trying to guide them in the right direction.

My husband is an introvert, which has complicated things oh so much more.  It has always been a fight to get him to take part in getting the girls to activities and things.  That is also a work in progress, which could constitute an entirely different thread.  :-) I have explained to him that he needs to do things, not because I am blind and I can't, but because he is Dad, and he just should.

I have appreciated all of your ensightful emails.  Tracy, I totally get where you are coming from, because I have many of the same concerns with my girls.  I think kids can generally be selfish, because it's hard for us as parents to not make everything all about them.  I know I find myself spending my every free moment trying to think up what cool gadget, toy, or thing I can make happen for them next.  Now Now if I can get my husband to read this thread, that would be awesome.  . 

-----Original Message-----
From: blindkid [mailto:blindkid-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Marianne Denning via blindkid
Sent: Tuesday, June 03, 2014 2:27 PM
To: Traci W; Blind Kid Mailing List, (for parents of blind children)
Cc: Eric Calhoun
Subject: Re: [blindkid] Dealing with selfish behavior

Do you live near a major metropolitan area where an organization for the blind has weekend activities?

Does she have a full-time aid in school?  Sometimes, the aid, without meaning to, gets in the way of communication between the blind student and peers.

I had one really close friend through school.  As an adult, I still don't have a lot of close friends.  I think that is just who I am.  I have blind friends who have a lot of friends.  I am an introvert so can be very happy alone.  I also really enjoy getting together with a small group of people.  My husband, the extravert, does not understand it at all.

I just want to be sure we aren't blaming her blindness for every problem she has.  It is the easy and obvious thing but we all have our unique personality and the goal is to help her be a successful person throughout life.

I would love to meet your daughter because she sounds a lot like me when I was young.  I was "stubborn" according to my mom.  That has served me well as an adult but got me into trouble too many times as a child.

On 6/3/14, Traci W via blindkid <blindkid at nfbnet.org> wrote:
> Yes. She is 9. She communicates just fine!  I have to encourage her to 
> email her friends and grandparents. I tell her she has to do her part 
> to have a full friendship. She cant be just a taker, she has to give as well.
>
> I would like to get her to a camp but we go to school year round and 
> most camps are in July and August when we are in school. We are out during June.
> I think NY has a vi camp but not keen on sending her so far away.  
> Haven't found a camp nearby that works yet either, most don't ramp up 
> til July. Even non vi.
>
> Traci
>
> Sent from my iPhone
>
>> On Jun 3, 2014, at 1:43 PM, Eric Calhoun via blindkid 
>> <blindkid at nfbnet.org> wrote:
>>
>> Hi guys, for those wishing to contact me, I will include my info below.
>> Traci, how old is your daughter and would she be able to communicate 
>> with kids her age and older?  I say this, because camping may be the way to go.
>>
>> Encourage her to pen pal or e-mail pal with her camp mates, and 
>> interact, interact, interact.  This is how I developed my personality.
>>
>> eric at pmpmpmail.com; 916-889-4809
>> ..
>>
>> ..
>>
>> Sighted and blind people, Eric from Los Angeles.  Here's where you 
>> can find me: The all-new Stairs to Heaven Christian Line, 
>> 712-432-4808, Room 9; the all-new Eric Calhoun Magazine; to 
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>> You may also submit articles, Pen Pals, and tidbits.  In
>> 2014:
>> Try to be good to each other!
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--
Marianne Denning, TVI, MA
Teacher of students who are blind or visually impaired
(513) 607-6053

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