[nabs-l] Social Stuff

[Jedi]

Arielle,

Thanks for your public disclosure. Your experiences are actually quite 
common for blind kids. I have a few theories as to why.

First of all, let me say that I was more or less int the same position. 
I'd try to converse with kids about whatever interested me. Sometimes I 
got lucky and found kids interested in the same things as me, and 
sometimes not. But I was also thought of as argumentative by some, 
outspoken by most, negative, and socially awkward. I felt like teachers 
literally monitored my every move with keen interest. A lot of times, 
I'd never know I'd done something "inappropriate" (in quotes) until the 
head of my IEP team mentioned it. Most of the time, these 
"inappropriate" actions were really no big deal and probably didn't 
warrant the attention they got.

I think the real reason why blind kids find themselves in our situation 
is twofold. First of all, the blind in general are expected to be 
passive, and so people are totally put off when we're not. We seem over 
the top when, in reality, we're no different from any other kid or 
adult. Also, the fact that we're remarkably different doesn't help; 
teachers and kids are more likely to notice our behaviors. Teachers are 
even more notorious than kids because, after all, they're looking out 
for our best interests, right? Bigger than that, there's also the 
strong belief that blind people are socially awkward because we can't 
see. We can't rely on visual cues to communicate. Most people don't 
understand that nonverbal communication can be nonvisual. Special 
educators and those who work with the blind literally have it drilled 
into them that disabled people are socially disadvantaged and possibly 
even awkward, especially the blind since we're so detached from 
reality, we're egocentric because we can't physically see the presence 
of others or objects in space, and we may even feel anxiety or a lack 
of control because we don't know what's in our physical reality. No 
joke, this stuff is actually in introductory special education texts as 
recent as 2009. Add these factors together, and some blind kids are 
bound for trouble.

If I could advise professionals in the field, I'd start by telling them 
that what they think they know about blindness is probably not true. 
I'd also tell them to get away from that intervension model they're so 
fond of. Intervension generally means that you look for places where 
you can intervene. And sometimes, things are best left alone or best 
dealt with by natural consequences. You wiggle your butt on someone's 
body, and you'll probably get slapped. That kind of thing. I know that 
growing up, teachers couldn't figure out why I was so miserable. Could 
it be because they were constantly on my ass about stupid things that 
my peers probably did too?

As to the eye pressing thing, I have a friend who has a theory that eye 
pressing might actually be a way of relieving pain or pressure in the 
eyes. I'd be interested to know if this is so. As to rocking and other 
similar behaviors, I'm not a fan of the sensory stimulous model. I 
think that sighted people do weird things like that, too. The only 
difference is that they know what weird behaviors are acceptable and 
which one's aren't. Since we can't see what other ticks people have, we 
just make up our own.

That's just my two cents.

Respectfully,
Jedi
Original message:
> Hi all,

> As both a psychology student and someone interested in blindness
> issues I think this is a very interesting and important topic.
> Regarding the first issue, that of learning facial expressions, I
> don’t know much of the literature beyond what’s already been stated. I
> do think it’s true that automatic things like smiling and frowning
> shouldn’t be affected by blindness, while more controlled expressions
> of feelings would be. I will admit that as someone who has been
> functionally totally blind since birth I get a little depressed when I
> read about all the theories of development that emphasize visual
> activities like mimicking other people’s movements, etc. But, I’m also
> optimistic because I know there are plenty of totally blind people out
> there who developed without major issues or problems. People and
> especially babies are amazingly resilient.

>         Regarding the issue of social skills and awkwardness I have a lot
> more to say. This issue inevitably comes up often among NFB circles
> as well as in the psychology and education literature especially about
> blind children. It’s been well-documented that lots of blind kids and
> adults engage in behaviors that are “socially inappropriate” or
> whatever  you want to call them. The common opinion among many of us
> seems to be that if someone who’s blind consistently does anything
> that’s weird, obnoxious, etc. it’s because they “just don’t know any
> better” and they’ve been so sheltered that they honestly have no clue
> that what they’re doing would have any negative effects on them or on
> anyone else. If only someone would sit them down and explain the truth
> to them, they’d immediately wise up and start acting more appropriate,
> or whatever the term may be.

> OK, I may be exaggerating a little here, but I am quite convinced that
> this “lack of knowledge” explanation is just the tip of the iceberg
> and there’s a lot more going on. I have this conviction because of
> what I know about psychology and about human beings in general, and
> also because of my personal experience.

>         As I mentioned I have been blind all my life.  I will say I was
> sheltered, but probably about as much as the average blind child—more
> than some, less than others. I recall that when I was a kid I did some
> things that almost everyone around me thought were socially
> inappropriate. I won’t go into a huge amount of detail but I would,
> for instance, get really fixated on a certain topic of conversation
> and want to talk about it to the exclusion of more popular topics. I
> didn’t reach out much to other kids or adults, I was often accused of
> being bossy and argumentative, and I was frequently caught poking my
> eyes. I have memories of being reprimanded for these activities as
> early as kindergarten and as late as the sixth or seventh grade. And I
> was definitely made aware repeatedly by multiple adults that what I
> was doing was inappropriate, although to me at the time it seemed like
> they were calling my behavior criminal. I know that “social skills”
> made up the bulk of my IEP for most of those years. I was scolded and
> punished for this wide array of bad deeds and occasionally rewarded
> for “good” ones. And yet I kept doing the same  “bad” things anyway.
> Why? I don’t entirely know. Perhaps I knew they were “wrong” but I
> didn’t understand why; yet I still knew if I made those social
> mistakes I would get in trouble and getting in trouble was definitely
> painful. I think part of it is that I was really deeply confused about
> what the adult world expected from me. I was repeatedly told that I
> was socially deficient and it was somehow related to my blindness
> because it was always on my IEP, but I didn’t  know how I was supposed
> to act, so I couldn’t improve. I also think part of it had to do with
> lack of motivation. I knew that adults didn’t like it when I made
> these social errors but most of them (fixating on my own interests and
> being argumentative, for instance) came from me being self-centered,
> so it really didn’t matter to me that it was socially inappropriate. I
> think I knew that I wasn’t directly hurting anybody—I definitely
> wanted to avoid doing that—and so I honestly didn’t understand what
> the big deal was. No, I never had the desire to wiggle my butt up
> against someone, but honestly if I had a compelling enough reason to
> do it, I probably would have kept it up despite admonitions.

>         Around the end of middle school I noticed that I stopped getting
> reprimanded for being socially deficient. And, what happened? Today I
> still like to talk about things I find interesting, but that’s almost
> a survival skill for anyone in a Ph.D. program. I have definitely been
> described by a few people as bossy and argumentative, and I know I’m
> not always the most empathetic person. When I am very tired my hand
> will occasionally wander into my eye. But, I’ve figured out how to get
> along decently  with most people most of the time,  and when someone
> else’s needs supersede my own. I have a few good friends who’ve put up
> with me for years and a boyfriend who’s put up with me for a few
> months. I don’t poke my eyes when I am going out with him or giving a
> speech. (If I ever do, you have the right to yell at me!) Heck, I even
> managed to get elected president of this student organization. My
> imperfections have  remained, but somehow I’ve figured out how to turn
> them into assets rather than letting them get in my way. I’ve also
> discovered, through life experience, what works and what doesn’t work
> in social interactions, and I’ve felt the rewards of good behavior.

>         So why am I making this deep self-disclosure to all of you? I guess,
> first of all, to make the point that we have all kinds in the NFB, in
> NABS and among the leadership here. We all have flaws and we have all
> had struggles of some kind in our lives. We shouldn’t expect all blind
> people or all NFB members to act exactly the same or to follow all the
> so-called “rules” all the time. I think a lot of my issues had only a
> little bit to do with blindness. Blindness might have made me care
> less about whether or not my behavior was “appropriate”, but I
> probably would have been a pretty nerdy and opinionated child and
> person had I been sighted. In our efforts to persuade other blind
> folks to behave with social grace, I think we need to do more than
> just tell them what they’re doing isn’t cool. First of all, we need to
> stop making fun of and talking about them because that does nothing
> but breed resentment and hostility. Second, I think we must role-model
> good behavior—everything from good hygiene to being nice to each
> other—as much as we can. Then, people we mentor (or will potentially
> mentor later) will see what they can strive toward, not just what they
> should strive away from. And finally, although I know we might not be
> able to make this happen for our blind friends, I honestly think that
> social norms and customs have to be personally meaningful and relevant
> to people before they will consistently follow them. So Mr.
> Butt-Wiggler probably won’t stop until he decides he wants to to
> impress a girl or to land a job. The tragedy is that once people
> become adults, I think it’s harder for them to get motivated to make
> lasting change. But, it’s certainly not impossible.

> Arielle


> --
> Arielle Silverman
> President, National Association of Blind Students
> Phone:  602-502-2255
> Email:
> nabs.president at gmail.com
> Website:
> www.nabslink.org

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