[nabs-l] Finding Places, and Getting Assistance or Not

[Arielle Silverman]

Hi Kerri and all,

First of all, Kerri, I just want to say I can personally relate to
many of your circumstances. I too am petite (always have been), have
been essentially totally blind for my whole life and was
sighted-guided almost exclusively through most of my childhood, and I
also have some ongoing balance and gait issues (I'm not sure if
they're due to being born blind, to over-protection and limited
independent movement in my early life, or to some as-yet-undiagnosed
balance disorder). Because of these things, I often don't appear very
confident when I travel. My orientation and mobility skills have
improved a lot since my training at the Louisiana Center for the
Blind, but I still tend to get turned around quite easily, especially
if I am distracted. So I completely understand where you are coming
from in trying to gain independence while also struggling to interact
appropriately with others who often underestimate your capabilities.

Generally if someone offers assistance and I am confident that I know
where I am going, I'll say "no thanks, I'm good" and they realize that
I am, in fact, not lost. If someone offers help and I in fact am not
so certain about where I am going, I will usually ask for verbal
confirmation that I am going in the right direction ("Is this the
right way to the restroom?) If it is, they'll say "yes" and all's
fine. If it's not the right way, then I will ask for some verbal
clarification ("Which way is it?") but explain that I want to find the
place on my own and just need verbal directions. Usually if I just
explain that I want to remember where the place is for future
reference, people understand and accept this explanation well. Even if
you solicit verbal directions from others, you're still using
structured discovery-as you approach the bathroom, you can listen and
feel to see what is nearby, where the bathroom is relative to the door
and the music, etc.

I will add two more philosophical points. First, as others have
mentioned, it's OK to get lost. It doesn't mean you have failed or
gone beyond the limits of what you are capable of doing on your own,
even though that's a message that's drilled into many of our heads by
well-meaning parents and teachers as we grow up. I'm not going to lie,
getting lost can be frustrating, embarrassing, occasionally scary, but
it's rarely dangerous. If you get turned around in an indoor place,
even a place as big as a stadium, you will eventually get back to
where you started, or at least find something familiar, or at least
find other human beings who can help you get un-lost. In fact, getting
turned around in a place you'll return to again will help you build a
mental map of the place by forcing you to explore it in more depth.

The second thing I'll say is something I think you know already but I
just want to validate your feelings: As blind people we aren't
obligated to accept any "assistance" or other interactions with
strangers that we don't want to engage in. Again, I think blind
children are often trained to just go along and accept well-meant
assistance. I know I was and I was often accused of "intimidating"
others or "pushing them away" if I declined help or asked someone not
to touch or grab me. (I often laughingly wondered how a scrawny little
90-pound teenage girl like me could be so intimidating, but...). The
thing is that, just as you have the right to decide what you do or
don't want to do with your body (sexually, etc.), you also have the
right to maintain control of the kinds of interactions you have with
others, and the boundaries of your physical personal space. That said,
I think we are still obligated to play by the rules of kindness and
common courtesy when we interact with strangers even if they're being
overly helpful. That is, we should refrain from yelling or cursing at
others or hitting them even if they are obnoxious; we should speak in
a gentle tone and use words like "please" and "thank you" in our
interactions; we should genuinely thank people for offering the
appropriate kind of assistance. However, it's OK to decline help or to
gently but firmly pull your arm out of a stranger's grip, and it's
even better if you can explain that you're trying to practice being
more independent.

The fact is that a certain fraction of people will get offended or
misinterpret your assertiveness as ingratitutde or hostility. But in
my experience there is a substantial percentage of the sighted public
who can learn to both like us and respect us, and these people are the
ones who are worth having repeated interactions with in the future.

Best of luck with the football game tomorrow, and of course, happy birthday!

Arielle