[nabs-l] Public humiliation because of blindness.

Sun Oct 21 20:27:59 UTC 2012

Hi Jedi,
Your comments do resonate with me. While I have not gone through the
multistep reflective process you have outlined, I have given some
thought over the past few years to why I react the way I do to certain
kinds of treatment from the sighted public. Like you, I have
discovered that being touched or pulled bothers me because of the
feelings of having my space invaded and, ultimately, because of loss
of self-control. I agree with you that understanding these motives has
helped me accept the fact that my resistance to being grabbed or
manhandled is a normal and healthy response.
I don't know if others experienced this, but I know when I was growing
up, my parents would admonish me to be nice and accept any kind of
well-intentioned treatment I got from sighted people regardless of how
it made me feel. My parents had a number of friends who were very kind
people but a bit patronizing toward me. They would often touch, hug,
pull or otherwise invade my personal space and I would instinctively
pull away or ask them to stop. My parents would often scold me for
being rude to their nice friends and other people we encountered and,
occasionally, would even threaten me with punishment if I was
resistant toward their actions. I was also admonished not to assert my
independence when kindhearted people at school or on the street
offered assistance even if that help was actually anti-helpful. Now, I
am not trying to say my parents were bad people because they're not. I
think they wanted to raise children who were kind and polite and they
did not understand how the well-intentioned attempts at affection or
assistance actually threatened my sense of dignity. It has only been
in the last few years that I've learned not to be ashamed of my
feelings of discomfort when well-intentioned people did things that
undermined my sense of self-control. And when it really comes down to
it, being grabbed or pulled around is a safety issue. I have realized
that my reactions are normal and natural and this has been quite
liberating.
I would be interested in participating in a conference call about how
to handle difficult interactions with members of the public,
particularly when these members of the public have the intention of
being kind rather than purposely discriminating against us. There are
a number of difficult issues involved.
Best,
Arielle

On 10/21/12, Jedi Moerke <loneblindjedi at samobile.net> wrote:
> The balance really isn't that difficult. We all know what could be
> classified as appropriate treatment and in appropriate treatment. Each of us
> have different boundaries. The way you figure out when it's right for you to
> fight or when it's right for you to roll with the punches is a very personal
> thing. I have a native American friend of mine that uses his own
> decision-making process based on one developed by the Institute of cultural
> affairs. It goes something like this:
>
> The What: This is the objective aspect of what happened. So, to the best of
> your ability, think about the incident as though you were an outsider. This
> is the time to think about both sides. In other words, what might have the
> other person been thinking? What were you thinking? What was said? What was
> done? That sort of thing.
>
> The Gut: This is the reflective aspect of what happened.  How did you feel
> about the incident? One way you can figure out your motions is by checking
> out your physical responses to the experience. Does your stomach feel
> differently? does your chest feel differently? what about your
> breathing?Are your muscles relaxed or tense?  What emotion words come to
> mind? The emotional or reflective aspect of what's happening can give you a
> clue as to why this particular event is important.
>
> So What: This part of the process is where you determine how important this
> is. The other part of this is to figure out why it's important. So think of
> this section as the significance section. Maybe a particular event is
> important because it represents the pattern either for you personally or for
> blind people generally. As you think about the significance of an event, you
> may notice that more emotions crop up for you. Take note and add this to
> your reflective section. You may also gain some objective insights here.
> Let's use our carnival example. This one incident may, in someway, represent
> the acts of discrimination of blind people face generally. So for a given
> individual, this incident might represent something very very important. For
> someone else, this incident may represent a lack of education. Again, this
> brings about a sense of importance. And for some of us, it may represent
> nothing at all. It may simply represent someone's being stupid. And that
> case, there may not Be much importance at all. So, like I said before, it's
> quite personal. The level of importance, the feelings you feel, and the
> objective  incident itself Will help you figure out what to do next.
>
> Now What: Now comes the decision. What are you going to do next? If you
> think this matter represents and incidents requiring education, your next
> step simply might be to educate. If you feel that more action is required,
> you may consider escalating the conflict to a supervisor or even to legal
> action. If you think the guy is just being stupid, your decision maybe just
> a laugh it off. Again, this is a purely personal matter.
>
> This decisional process takes time to develop. The more you practice it, the
> easier it gets. You will come to a point when you can go through each step
> in a matter of seconds. For the first little while, you may find That you
> have to reexperience a moment ex post facto. Most of the time, you may not
> be able to remedy the situation at this time. On the other hand, you can use
> this as a teaching moment for yourself. You'll start to notice patterns and
> yourself, and that's partially what makes this process go a lot quicker as
> you get better.
>
> There will be times when it truly is not feasible to either go through the
> process or to take the decision to its final outcome. The important thing is
> to go through the process anyway and your mind afterward. This will help you
> clear up any emotional tension left behind from the experience. It will also
> help you move on. You will likely gain some insights about yourself. For
> example, this process helped  me realize that I don't like to be touched by
> strangers. This was the real reason why I do not like to be pushed and
> prodded by people and their attempts to guide me. I also figured out that I
> feel a loss of control when people push and pull me. This process finally
> helped me to realize that these emotions are perfectly natural. Many sided
> people would feel the same way if in the same circumstance. Since figuring
> that out, I have been able to communicate these feelings to sighted  people
> in such a way that they understand. The end result has been a sort of
> dialogue as education. The added bonus is that my issue was suddenly taken
> out of the blindness context. I really feel like taking things out of the
> blindness context sometimes helps me to advocate for myself better.
> Especially since some of these issues are so charged  in our community.
>
> I don't know if any of this resonates with any of you, but if it does, I
> would be willing to put a conference call together regarding this process. I
> can probably get my native American friend to come and lead the discussion.
> This process is part of an over all communication system called the elements
> of honor. I personally found the elements of honor to be an incredibly
> powerful resource in my life. I had  a lot of issues with the sighted
> population when I joined his workshops. After learning the system and
> putting it to good use, I noticed that my problems with the sighted
> community seem to diminish greatly.
>
> I would like to add one more final thought before I go. I think we sometimes
> carry an invisible audience with us into situations like these. I have felt
> in the past that it was my responsibility to represent the entire blind
> community in every interaction I ever had. So in effect, it felt like having
> each of you in my back pocket wherever I went. As you might've guessed, we
> all have different opinions on how these things ought  to be handled. And so
> I sort of felt like I had several critics telling me do this, do that, don't
> do this,  don't do that. I really feel like the added stress of the
> invisible audience actually made my reactions to situations much more severe
> than they could have been otherwise. So remember, at the end of the day, we
> all have to deal with these issues in a very personal way. At the end of the
> day, we essentially represent ourselves and our own preferences. The
> preferences of others serve to educate our own minds as to the variety of
> options available to us, but they should never dictate what we do in  a
> particular situation, especially if the advice is not in keeping with our
> own personal Process.
>
> I hope that helps.
>
> Respectfully
> Jedi
>
> Sent from my iPhone
>
> On Oct 20, 2012, at 10:29 AM, Kirt Manwaring <kirt.crazydude at gmail.com>
> wrote:
>
>> John,
>>  I think knowing when to speak up and when to let things go is
>> probably the hardest thing about being an independent blind person.
>> Best of luck to you!
>>
>> On 10/20/12, christopher nusbaum <dotkid.nusbaum at gmail.com> wrote:
>>> I totally agree! You could also contact your NFB chapter or state
>>> president, and maybe they would be able to help you. I think the best
>>> course of action here is to be proactive and to educate them before
>>> the embarrassment happens.
>>>
>>> Sent from my iPhone
>>>
>>> On Oct 20, 2012, at 1:52 AM, Mauricio Almeida
>>> <mauriciopmalmeida at gmail.com> wrote:
>>>
>>>> greetings,
>>>>
>>>> While i have never had a situation exactly like this one, I thought I
>>>> would point out my views on some  of the issues discussed herein.
>>>> I strongly agree that you should take some kind of action regarding
>>>> this
>>>> matter, because it is because we let go of things in the past that we
>>>> need
>>>> to deal with these situations nowadays.
>>>> however, coming to us and sharing your experience, is already an
>>>> action.
>>>> You have allowed yourself to calm down, and you have accepted the
>>>> situation understanding that it is not your fault for having a
>>>> disability,
>>>> but his fault for not knowing how to seal with the situation and being
>>>> totally inappropriate about it.
>>>> This is a big step within itself.
>>>> About further action, I would fill a complaint with the place's
>>>> management, as suggested in the first reply of this e-mail, and stand
>>>> by.
>>>> if the issue persist, then consider additional steps.
>>>> The important thing is to remember how to distinguish ignorance from
>>>> prejudice. many people do not know what the blind can do, which is why
>>>> sometimes they ask way to many questions over a simples matter. in
>>>> those
>>>> cases, the best approach is to educate them.
>>>> when however the person is purposefully making you embarrassed, (or
>>>> whenever it seems to be this way) don't hesitate to take an aggressive
>>>> stance.
>>>>
>>>> sincerely,
>>>>
>>>> Mauricio Almeida
>>>> Vice president: Michigan association of blind students
>>>> On Oct 19, 2012, at 9:32 PM, Carly Mihalakis <carlymih at comcast.net>
>>>> wrote:
>>>>
>>>>> Good evening, carnival chick,
>>>>>
>>>>> Let it go! Just consider what the attendant's attentions probably were
>>>>> and his experience with blindness. He probably has neither. At 05:08
>>>>> PM
>>>>> 10/19/2012, you wrote:
>>>>>> I'm wondering if anyone else besides me has had an incident like the
>>>>>> one
>>>>>> I'm about to discuss. This does not have to necessarily be at a
>>>>>> carnival; this can be anywhere. I am trying to figure out what to do
>>>>>> to
>>>>>> take action against the person involved in this situation and am
>>>>>> looking
>>>>>> for advice.
>>>>>>
>>>>>> I went to our state fair today to hang out at the carnival. I always
>>>>>> have fun and today was no exception. I am a very big fan of walking
>>>>>> through funhouses, especially the ones that are like obstacle courses
>>>>>> with moving floors, turntables, and the like. My favorite one is a
>>>>>> massive 4-story one called the King's Circus. First, let me say that
>>>>>> it
>>>>>> is absolutely crucial that a blind person get help when he/she walks
>>>>>> through this. There are openings that you have to watch out for while
>>>>>> navigating certain tricks and also some tricky maneuvering if you use
>>>>>> a
>>>>>> long cane. For instance, the first thing you encounter is a large
>>>>>> turntable that you step on to to ride around to the entrance. You
>>>>>> have
>>>>>> to watch for an opening and the gap is too narrow to put your cane
>>>>>> through once you step on and grab the pole. You have to step off
>>>>>> while
>>>>>> said platform is spinning and could have a really nasty accident if
>>>>>> someone is not there to make sure you didn't miss it; I nearly have
>>>>>> planted my face in the wall when trying to do it independently. I
>>>>>> have
>>>>>> been through this funhouse five times, not counting today, and have
>>>>>> had
>>>>>> no issues with getting help from attendants. The guys who ran it in
>>>>>> the
>>>>>> past were totally awesome and did not treat blindness as an issue.
>>>>>> Today
>>>>>> they didn't either. However, there was one attendant in particular
>>>>>> who
>>>>>> decided that it was necessary to publicly embarrass me. He asked my
>>>>>> companion if he had ever heard of the school for the blind; I only
>>>>>> found
>>>>>> this out later because I went up to go down the 4-story slide from
>>>>>> the
>>>>>> top of the building. My companion chose not to as he is a big guy and
>>>>>> the slide is a tight fit. No problem. HOwever, he then proceeded to
>>>>>> yell
>>>>>> to the entire funhouse that a blind person was there and getting
>>>>>> ready
>>>>>> to come down. I understand that I needed to wait until the person I
>>>>>> was
>>>>>> with got down the stairs, but was totally embarrassed by his actions.
>>>>>> He
>>>>>> did not let me get a word in either. This was the culmination of a
>>>>>> series of incidents. First he made everyone cut in front of me at a
>>>>>> particular floor trick that he thought I could not do. I proved him
>>>>>> wrong on that one. However, he would not allow me to explore on my
>>>>>> own
>>>>>> like the other guys used to do. I was usually followed at a
>>>>>> respectful
>>>>>> distance and left to my own devices once I got past the entry
>>>>>> turntable
>>>>>> and moving stairs, only getting help when I needed to check that the
>>>>>> path was clear and also to help me bypass things I did not want to
>>>>>> do,
>>>>>> like the hamster wheel. I do not mind waiting to go down the slide as
>>>>>> someone has always told me when it is clear. He also made everyone go
>>>>>> ahead of me because of blindness. Again, I could not get a word in to
>>>>>> him to ask him to back off. I am trying to figure out what to do to
>>>>>> take
>>>>>> action against this person. I never got his name, but I do have a
>>>>>> recording of the walk as evidence of what happened. Mind you, the
>>>>>> funhouse was crowded today so I understand that I could not explore
>>>>>> too
>>>>>> much. But this guy clearly had low expectations and did not expect me
>>>>>> to
>>>>>> do anything independently.
>>>>>> _______________________________________________
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>>>>>
>>>>>
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