[Nfbf-l] What are Grits

[Alan Dicey]

What are Grits
This is really a hoot!
Nobody knows.  Many people feel that grits are made from ground up bits of 
white corn.  This is obviously a lie.  Nothing as good as a Grits can be 
made from corn.
The most recent research suggests that the mysterious Manna that God rained 
down upon the Israelites during their time in the Sinai Desert was most 
likely Grits.
Critics disagree, stating that there is no record of butter, salt, or cheese 
raining down from the sky, and that God would not punish his people by 
forcing them to eat Grits without these key ingredients.

How Grits are Formed.
Grits are formed deep underground under intense heat and pressure.  It takes 
over 1000 years to form a single Grit.  Most of the world's grit mines are 
in Southern Georgia, and are guarded day and night by armed guards and 
fierce attack dogs.  Harvesting the Grit is a dangerous occupation, and many 
Grit miners lose their lives each year so that Grits can continue to be 
served morning after morning for breakfast (not that having Grits for lunch 
and dinner is out of the question).
Yankees have attempted to create a synthetic Grits.  They call them Cream of 
Wheat.  As far as we can tell the key ingredients of Cream of Wheat are 
Elmer's Glue and shredded Styrofoam.  These synthetic grits have also been 
shown to cause nausea, and may leave you unable to have children.
Historical Grits
As we mentioned earlier, the first known mention of the Grits was by the 
Ancient Israelites in the Sinai Desert.  After that, the Grits was not heard 
from for another 1000 years. Experts feel that the Grits was used during 
this time only during secret religious ceremonies, and was kept from the 
public due to it's rarity.
The next mention of the Grits was found amidst the ruins of the ancient city 
of Pompeii in a woman's personal diary.  The woman's name was Herculaneum 
Jemimaneus (Aunt Jemima to her friends.)
The 10 Commandments of Grits
1.      Thou shalt not put syrup on thy Grits
2.     Thou shalt not eat thy Grits with a spoon or knife
3.    Thou shalt not eat Cream of Wheat and call it Grits, for this is 
blasphemy
4.    Thou shalt not covet thy neighbors Grits
5.     Thou shalt use only Salt, Butter, and Cheese as toppings for thy 
Grits
6..    Thou shalt not eat Instant Grits
7.   Thou shalt not put syrup on thy Grits
8.  Thou shalt not put syrup on thy Grits
9. Thou shalt not put syrup on thy Grits
10.     Thou shalt not put sugar on thy Grits either

How to Cook Grits
For one serving of Grits:
Boil 1.5 cups of water with salt and a little butter.
Add 5 TBsp of Grits.
Reduce to a simmer and allow the Grits to soak up all the water.
That's all there is to cooking grits.
How to Eat Grits
Immediately after removing your grits from the stove top, add a generous 
portion of butter. (WARNING:  Do NOT use low-fat butter.) The butter should 
cause the Grits to turn a wondrous shade of yellow.  (Hold a banana or a 
yellow rain slicker next to your Grits; if the colors match, you have the 
correct amount of butter.)
Next, add salt.  (NOTICE:  The correct ration of Grit to Salt is 10 : 1 
Therefore for every 10 grits, you should have 1 grain of salt.)
Cheese is optional.  However if you wish to add cheese, cut it into 1/4' 
squares and add immediately before you eat your Grits. You do not want your 
cheese to melt completely.
Now begin eating your grits.
Always use a fork, never a spoon, to eat Grits.  Your grits should be thick 
enough so they do not run through the tines of the fork.
The correct beverage to serve with Grits is Milk or Chocolate Milk.
(WARNING:  Use whole milk only - DO NOT use 2% or, heaven forbid, Skim 
Milk.)
Your grits should always be eaten in a bowl.
Never use a plate to eat Grits.
Ways to Eat Leftover Grits:
(Leftover grits are extremely rare) Spread them in the bottom of a casserole 
dish, Cover and place them in the refrigerator overnight.
The Grits will congeal into a gelatinous mass.
Next morning, slice the Grits into squares and fry them in 1/2' of cooking 
oil and butter until they turn a golden brown.
Many people are tempted to pour syrup onto Grits served this way.  This is, 
of course, unacceptable.