[blindkid] Seeking advice: blind daughter intentionallyexcludedfrom birthday party
Michael Bullis
mabullis at hotmail.com
Fri Oct 31 14:16:26 UTC 2008
If this is an open public facility and your daughter has been there before.
I'm tempted to say, Why not go. It would show the parents that they worried
unnecessarily. On the other hand, it's dicey because, your daughter would
realize that she hadn't been invited to the party. That's something she'll
probably find out on Monday anyway though. There's no right answer here.
But, growing up as a blind kid, I often had to go do things that others
didn't think I could. And it was when I was six that I finally came to
understand that people kept me out of things intentionally.
We were choosing sides for dodge ball and everyone got picked for a team but
me. I was in a new school. Before that time, nobody excluded me because
the kids I grew up with didn't think of it. I was just another kid in the
neighborhood. But, when everyone had been picked for teams I heard one kid
say, "Hey, what about him? What team is he on?" The other kid responded,
"He's blind. He can't play."
I was so hurt and dumbfounded that I walked away crying. Perhaps there
would have been a better response like: "Yes, I can too." But I didn't
think of it.
So, there's no getting away from the pain of this. It's part of managing
blindness. It's not just skills. It's about managing attitudes.
Mike Bullis
Baltimore Maryland
-----Original Message-----
From: blindkid-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:blindkid-bounces at nfbnet.org] On
Behalf Of Bo Page
Sent: Friday, October 31, 2008 9:41 AM
To: NFBnet Blind Kid Mailing List,(for parents of blind children)
Subject: Re: [blindkid] Seeking advice: blind daughter
intentionallyexcludedfrom birthday party
What you are going through is tough for sure, and I've been there for 16
years so I know. What I beleive is that it isn't that our children get
excluded because of THEM, but rather the fear around blindness
itself. People avoid what they don't understand and they teach that to their
children through their actions. People don't like to have their world
"rocked," and having to think about a child at your party that may need some
special attention makes them have to think about what may not be working in
their own lives and birthday parties are supposed to be happy and magical
and perfection.
With my daughter, I focus on what is working and build her self-esteem. I
have her be around adults more than children because the adults she's around
are already well-rounded and I want my daughter to be able to pick them out
as she continues into adulthood. Don't waste your energy on worrying about
what's wrong "out there" because it will only zap you of precious energy and
leave you bitter. Instead find ways to enchance your child's life in ways
that will actually benefit them. Beleive me, my daughter being blind and
with C.P. is far more enriched than most children her age. In the end,
that's all that matters.
--- On Thu, 10/30/08, melissa R. Green <graduate56 at juno.com> wrote:
From: melissa R. Green <graduate56 at juno.com>
Subject: Re: [blindkid] Seeking advice: blind daughter intentionallyexcluded
from birthday party
To: "'NFBnet Blind Kid Mailing List, (for parents of blind children)'"
<blindkid at nfbnet.org>
Date: Thursday, October 30, 2008, 9:13 PM
Janice.
I don't mind sharing my stories. I joined this list so that I could help
others, and others can also help me.
It is possible that the child next door, the parents are just not educated
about blindness. They also may be scared to ask because they don't want to
offend you.
Yet, they can also choose not to know about blindness.
In my case, it was more that some of those people that didn't want to
include me didn't want to at all because they knew that I was blind. One
woman actually said that she hated me because i was blind, and that would be
why she never would invite me to her child's party. Its sad that we have
people like that in the worl. But the good ones make it worthwhile.
Does Ari go to summer camps or other things that may provide social
opportunities for her.
Does she get a chance to interact with other blind children, as well as
other sighted children.
Sometimes educators get so caught up in academics, that the social
interactions of blind children is not taken into account.
It isn't seen as that important. May be a social skills goal can be added
to her Iep. Just a suggestion.
Regards,
Sincerely,
Melissa R. Green
Nobody said life would be easy.
They just promised it would be worth it.
-----Original Message-----
From: blindkid-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:blindkid-bounces at nfbnet.org] On
Behalf Of jjordan_pa at yahoo.com
Sent: Wednesday, October 29, 2008 7:03 AM
To: NFBnet Blind Kid Mailing List, (for parents of blind children)
Subject: Re: [blindkid] Seeking advice: blind daughter intentionallyexcluded
from birthday party
Melissa: you have touched our hearts with your candid story. You are a
remarkable woman and I am hopeful that we might one day meet. I am just now
dealing with my daughter, who is almost 8, being excluded. Not yet at the
depth of purposeful exclusion but in smaller things. I recently moved
(purchased a
home) and my neighbor has a child the same age as Ari's sibling. He is an
only child and has enough toys and gadgets to fill a warehouse. Grace is
over there as much as I will allow and comes home with tales of spectacular
fun. The neighbor mom is afraid of Ari (?) And keeps telling her "one day
we will have
you over". To make matters worse, her new school separates her so much
from
her regular classroom that she is not developing friendships there either.
She is becoming a very lonely girl and my heart is breaking for her.
Anyway, I just wanted to say thankyou for sharing. This list helps me in so
many ways in raising my daughter.
Janice & Arianna
Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T
-----Original Message-----
From: "melissa R. Green" <graduate56 at juno.com>
Date: Wed, 29 Oct 2008 00:30:53
To: 'NFBnet Blind Kid Mailing List,\(for parents of blind
children\)'<blindkid at nfbnet.org>
Subject: Re: [blindkid] Seeking advice: blind daughter intentionally
excluded from birthday party
Grace.
I feel for your daughter. Even if she doesn't know that she was excluded.
However, she heard you and the other mom talking about it.
As a blind kid I was excluded a lot from parties. Hardly any of my
classmates
would show up to mine either.
I overheard a lot of them saying that it was because of my blindness. They
didn't know what kind of gift to get me either. That was a problem that
they
came up with. It hurts a lot. I can remember being on my front porch and
other
kids playing and then being called in to a party. Then there would be noone
left but me and the girl that had some cognitive disabilities. Now if the
other
mother chooses not to go to the party.
That is her choice, and it is admirable. You can't control what she
chooses to
do. Just tell her you appreciate the gesture.
I agree send a gift to school.
Regards,
Sincerely,
Melissa R. Green
Nobody said life would be easy.
They just promised it would be worth it.
-----Original Message-----
From: blindkid-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:blindkid-bounces at nfbnet.org] On
Behalf
Of Grace Sato
Sent: Tuesday, October 28, 2008 4:39 PM
To: blindkid at nfbnet.org
Subject: [blindkid] Seeking advice: blind daughter intentionally excluded
from
birthday party
Because I'm sure parents on this list have lived this, I'm going to
ask.
I've been trying to forget about this, but you know how things nag at
you and you can't let go?
Here goes:
I found out over the weekend that my daughter's first grade class was
invited to the birthday party of a classmate (Logan).
Apparently Logan's parents took invitations for all the kids and the
class and distributed them as school ended on Friday.
I knew none of this until I spent Sunday with one of the boys in my
daughter's class (Chance), and his mom, as we visited a cool Children's
Discovery Museum together and she asked in the car if my daughter would
be attending the party on November 1st.
The party will be held at "Pump It Up", an inflatables party place
(think large inflatable slides, bouncy castle, mazes, etc).
My daughter loves this place and attended two birthday parties there
before when in preschool and kindergarten.
Because this little boy (Chance) is my daughter's best friend in school,
the one we spend the most time with, his mom decided to ask Logan's dad
directly if Milagro, "Chance's best friend in class", had been
invited.
She told me he looked at her funny and said, "No."
She asked if everyone else in the class had been invited and he said
yes. So, Chance's mom and I are concluding that Milagro has been
excluded, probably because the family thinks a blind child doesn't
belong in a bouncy inflatables place.
Now, I don't know this boy Logan and his parents don't know me, so I
mostly don't care. I doubt Milagro knows she's been excluded because
she
was in SDC at the end of the school day. But.....now Chance's mom is
going to boycott the party (not take Chance) in protest of Milagro being
excluded. Sweet gesture, but that's what's causing me grief.
I feel (almost) obligated to do something, but not sure what? Would you
please share your wisdom with me on this? Part of me wants to crash the
party to show her classmates that she's as adventurous and strong as
they are (and more so in most cases). The rest of me says, "save your
energy".
What do you think? What have you done in these situations when your
child has been excluded socially due to someone else's ignorance? Should
I just do nothing and beg Chance's mom to just take him and tell her I
appreciate the gesture?
Such drama.....I know. And it's only first grade! Thanks!
Grace in California
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