[blindkid] Advice needed about school incident

Thu Nov 5 14:11:51 UTC 2009

I think the reason it seems so hard or so unclear is that the offense 
may indeed have involved the fact that Kendra is blind and we parents 
have very good reasons to shield our kids from difficult and complex 
issues when they are young.

A similar thing happened to Serena when she was in Girl Scouts--she 
was probably in 3rd grade, maybe 8 or 9 at the time.  There was one 
mean girl--the Scout leader's daughter, of course!--who one night 
when we were all out at a pizzeria after an activity, pretended to 
pour her soda on Serena's head.  I was alerted by another scout and 
turned to see it happening.   It seemed to me the other girls were 
sort of squirming embarassedly and laughing a little.  Serena, of 
course, didn't have a clue of what was funny.

I think I called out to the offender, "that's not nice to do" and she 
of course stopped.  Oh, did I mention her mom the troop leader was oblivious?

That evening Serena and I told Serena what the girl had done.  We 
talked about why a person might do such a thing and why trying to 
make fun at the expense of others was wrong.  It certainly would have 
been more difficult to discuss when Serena was younger, like Kendra 
is now, and understood less.

We always kept our eyes on the blind adults we knew who were skilled 
and knowledgeable--we knew that there was a way to be that as a blind 
person, so we never felt, and of course did not want Serena to feel, 
that she would always be vulnerable to being taken advantage of 
because she was blind.  In fact, so far in Serena's life, it seems as 
if she brings out the best in people!

Regarding what vision is, we got a lot of tips from Gary Wunder who 
speaks poignantly about his own journey to understanding.  Serena is 
also completely blind without light perception.  I think we began 
with something like this:  Serena, you know how your cane goes out in 
front of you and out to the sides and you can see what's 
there?  Well, eyesight is something like that, but it can go much 
farther, even miles.  As time went by, we added details so that she 
would get a full understanding.  We always spoke (still do) about it 
matter-of-factly--for whatever the action we were trying to explain, 
we'd say, This is the way a grown up sighted person would accomplish 
this task; this is the way a grown up blind person would do it, 
without making any deal out of whether the person accomplished the 
task with eyes or fingers or ears.

Carol

At 12:41 AM 11/5/2009, you wrote:
>For any who don't know the connection I am Kendra's dad (and
>Stephanie's husband). Kendra is seven, and in the first grade. This is
>her first year in her new school. Overall, things have been going
>really well both at this school as well as her last. Her previous
>school went through kindergarten only and this is the school to which
>most of her classmates from her last school typically matriculate.
>
>Kendra is the only blind child in the school, and to my knowledge the
>only blind child that either her regular ed or special ed teachers
>(this is a co-taught classroom) have ever had. Because so many things
>are new to this situation and especially to both of these teachers,
>many things are being learned and done "on-the-fly" the first time
>they come up. We do have an outstanding and very experienced TVI but
>she was not involved in this situation when it happened. Had she been
>there, I suspect none of this discussion would ever have come up; it
>would have been solved on the spot.
>
>On top of everything else, Kendra's regular ed teacher was out sick
>the day this happened. My suspicion is that what happened caught the
>teacher who first learned of this so off-guard that she was virtually
>stupefied. No matter if it is typical or not for kids her age and
>younger, we've generally only had problems with kids arguing over who
>gets to walk with Kendra (fighting to HAVE a turn) when they pair off
>in twos or trying to be the one who hands Kendra her cane as they head
>to the door. (Followed by an adult explaining how nice it is that they
>want to help but that she knows where her cane is and she can [and
>will] get that herself.) There are lots of IEP kids at this school (as
>with her previous school-- WAY more than average) so most of these
>kids are quite used to dealing with diversity and should "know
>better"...
>
>This is sort of a classic example of wanting to examine what happened
>in the context of what SHOULD have happened, but that is in the past.
>We needed to figure out the value of telling her that it did happen
>which after some thought and discussion is what we plan to do at this
>point; she needs to know and she should have learned right when it
>happened. Now that this has come up, we can also have a strategy for
>the future and be on the same page with the teachers at school. Try as
>one may, it is hard to have a plan for everything BEFORE it happens...
>
>I think the real problem is that once the ideal response didn't happen
>as it should have, now it is much harder to know the exact proper
>approach; we are no longer "in the heat of battle". Kendra is really
>only just learning to try to understand what it means that others can
>"see", so the notion that others can see and use this magical power to
>steal from her is a concept that I was not really wanting to try and
>teach just yet, but we have to adjust the plan as the game is played...
>
>Having no light perception at all, I think that the entire notion of
>sight is still a bit baffling to Kendra. We're not trying to keep the
>concept of sight a secret obviously, but we're still very much trying
>to help the concept of "vision" make some reasonable sense to her. In
>fact, I wonder if there are any no-light-perception-since-birth people
>on this listserv who can offer any suggestions to sighted adults
>trying to convey the concept of vision to a child who has never had
>any. Not what vision is for or what it does so much, as what it "is".
>I really can't understand how one would do that well for any
>completely absent sense. Any thoughts? What has worked for other
>parents who's kids have been totally blind since birth?
>
>I can sort of imagine telling someone with really low vision, or even
>just light perception that some people can get a lot more information
>than a general shape (or just light and dark etc.) but where do you
>start with the explanation, again, given the experience of even a very
>bright seven year old in a way that is useful?
>
>When it comes down to it, I guess the actual incident is not that big
>of a deal-- that one child took part of another's lunch. And if you
>were one typical kid grabbing another sighted kid's food, you would no
>doubt want to do that when that kid wasn't looking as well, so I
>cannot really put my finger on just how or why this seems so terrible,
>yet it still does... I mean on the one hand, we want to say everyone
>is the same and equal, but on the other, there is a weakness here (for
>lack of a better term) and somehow, right or wrong, it does seem to be
>a good deal more inappropriate (at least to me) to grab a blind kid's
>food than it does to sneak it from a sighted kid when he or she is not
>looking.
>
>Richard
>
>
>
>On Nov 4, 2009, at 3:30 PM, Susan Harper wrote:
>
>>It happened at school.  The school should be responsible for talking
>>with
>>her and then the students involved should tell her what they did and
>>apologize, if and only if  you think your daughter is mature enough
>>to deal
>>with this.  You may want to be the one to prep your daughter ahead
>>of time
>>and be with her at school as a support.  School needs to be
>>responsible for
>>school.  I don't know the age of your daughter, so this is my best
>>guess
>>from the gut advice.  Let us know how it goes.
>>Blessings
>>
>>On Wed, Nov 4, 2009 at 11:07 AM, Kieszak, Stephanie (CDC/CCEHIP/ NCEH) <
>>sek7 at cdc.gov> wrote:
>>
>>>I received this e-mail from my daughter's teacher this morning and
>>>don't
>>>really know how to respond. Any suggestions? My gut reaction is that
>>>telling her now doesn't really serve a purpose. Kendra is in first
>>>grade.
>>>Thank you.
>>>Stephanie
>>>
>>>-----Original Message-----
>>>Ms. Kieszak,
>>>
>>>Upon my return to school this week, I was informed that on Monday
>>>(11/2),
>>>two students from our class took some of Kendra's food during lunch
>>>without her knowing. The two students received consequences for their
>>>behavior on the day of the incident and further consequences when I
>>>returned. Mrs. XX, our Assistant Principal, also spoke with them. I
>>>wanted to let you know about the situation and to ask for your
>>>advice.
>>>
>>>Do you think we should tell Kendra what happened? If so, what do you
>>>think
>>>is a good approach to letting her know and by whom (i.e. one of us
>>>here
>>>at
>>>school or at home)?
>>>
>>>
>>>Sincerely,
>>>Mrs. YY
>>>
>>>
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>
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