[blindkid] Advice needed about school incident

Thu Nov 5 15:59:08 UTC 2009

Carol,

Your comments are reassuring, thanks. Even as we try and build the  
knowledge base that will hopefully allow Kendra to develop a more  
reasonable understanding of a vision concept I am forever finding  
"holes" in what I think we have built.

When my (sighted) teenaged daughter was quite young, I remember once  
telling her not to roll her eyes at me in a conversation. She was  
completely taken aback that I had "caught" her doing this, as she was  
on the other end of the telephone and clearly WELL out of sight. (What  
a glorious moment that was BTW as she then became CERTAIN that her Dad  
ALWAYS knew what she was doing, LOL...)

I get the impression that our blind children all too often get that  
same sort of impression in daily life from a great many sources-- "How  
do all these people know what I am doing when I cannot tell what THEY  
are doing-- how exactly does this vision thing work?!!" I don't think  
that Kendra thinks it is inferior to do things without sight, but she  
wants to understand the idea of vision and I sometimes feel like I  
give sub-par information when I try and explain it.

As with so many kids, our younger two children have generally reserved  
locations in our car. Kendra sits right behind me as I drive,  
primarily so I can keep by best watch on her little brother-- (a  
typical boy in most every sense of that description, always in motion  
and often on the edge of mischief when he's in the car). (My son rides  
behind the front passenger seat). The other day, Kendra was asking me  
to look at something and as she was getting a little bit agitated, I  
realized that something was up. I looked behind me a little when I was  
stopped at a light and realized that she was shaking something towards  
me and getting mad that I didn't see what she was "showing me". So the  
light bulb goes on for me, and I start trying to explain that unlike  
sound or smell, sight is just in front of a sighted person's eyes and  
that we have to turn our head to see. Then I try to explain that there  
is so much that I have to watch in FRONT of me as I drive that I can  
only look at her when we are stopped somewhere.

Then she wants to know WHY that is-- that eyes only see in one  
direction. Ugh! "Well, that's just they way it is--" It is a poor  
explanation, but I really have no decent answer that doesn't involve a  
discussion of light waves and collection and focus-- somewhat beyond  
the scope of this discussion, I'm thinking, ESPECIALLY while I am  
still driving in heavy traffic.

Another really interesting thing to try and explain is solid but  
transparent objects. If I can see through a closed window, why can't I  
see though a wall? And yet at times, say with a crack in a wall or  
more commonly between fence planks, one CAN seemingly see through a  
"solid" thing", or OVER something solid that is too high to feel the  
top of...

If sound is stopped by closing a window why is it that light is not? I  
want to explain all I can about these things, but it just takes a long  
time to really begin to construct a solid base of understanding in  
these matters. Still, I know we'll get there.

Anyhow, thanks for the feedback. It all helps to build MY knowledge  
base!

Richard

On Nov 5, 2009, at 9:11 AM, Carol Castellano wrote:

> I think the reason it seems so hard or so unclear is that the  
> offense may indeed have involved the fact that Kendra is blind and  
> we parents have very good reasons to shield our kids from difficult  
> and complex issues when they are young.
>
> A similar thing happened to Serena when she was in Girl Scouts--she  
> was probably in 3rd grade, maybe 8 or 9 at the time.  There was one  
> mean girl--the Scout leader's daughter, of course!--who one night  
> when we were all out at a pizzeria after an activity, pretended to  
> pour her soda on Serena's head.  I was alerted by another scout and  
> turned to see it happening.   It seemed to me the other girls were  
> sort of squirming embarassedly and laughing a little.  Serena, of  
> course, didn't have a clue of what was funny.
>
> I think I called out to the offender, "that's not nice to do" and  
> she of course stopped.  Oh, did I mention her mom the troop leader  
> was oblivious?
>
> That evening Serena and I told Serena what the girl had done.  We  
> talked about why a person might do such a thing and why trying to  
> make fun at the expense of others was wrong.  It certainly would  
> have been more difficult to discuss when Serena was younger, like  
> Kendra is now, and understood less.
>
> We always kept our eyes on the blind adults we knew who were skilled  
> and knowledgeable--we knew that there was a way to be that as a  
> blind person, so we never felt, and of course did not want Serena to  
> feel, that she would always be vulnerable to being taken advantage  
> of because she was blind.  In fact, so far in Serena's life, it  
> seems as if she brings out the best in people!
>
> Regarding what vision is, we got a lot of tips from Gary Wunder who  
> speaks poignantly about his own journey to understanding.  Serena is  
> also completely blind without light perception.  I think we began  
> with something like this:  Serena, you know how your cane goes out  
> in front of you and out to the sides and you can see what's there?   
> Well, eyesight is something like that, but it can go much farther,  
> even miles.  As time went by, we added details so that she would get  
> a full understanding.  We always spoke (still do) about it matter-of- 
> factly--for whatever the action we were trying to explain, we'd say,  
> This is the way a grown up sighted person would accomplish this  
> task; this is the way a grown up blind person would do it, without  
> making any deal out of whether the person accomplished the task with  
> eyes or fingers or ears.
>
> Carol
>
> At 12:41 AM 11/5/2009, you wrote:
>> For any who don't know the connection I am Kendra's dad (and
>> Stephanie's husband). Kendra is seven, and in the first grade. This  
>> is
>> her first year in her new school. Overall, things have been going
>> really well both at this school as well as her last. Her previous
>> school went through kindergarten only and this is the school to which
>> most of her classmates from her last school typically matriculate.
>>
>> Kendra is the only blind child in the school, and to my knowledge the
>> only blind child that either her regular ed or special ed teachers
>> (this is a co-taught classroom) have ever had. Because so many things
>> are new to this situation and especially to both of these teachers,
>> many things are being learned and done "on-the-fly" the first time
>> they come up. We do have an outstanding and very experienced TVI but
>> she was not involved in this situation when it happened. Had she been
>> there, I suspect none of this discussion would ever have come up; it
>> would have been solved on the spot.
>>
>> On top of everything else, Kendra's regular ed teacher was out sick
>> the day this happened. My suspicion is that what happened caught the
>> teacher who first learned of this so off-guard that she was virtually
>> stupefied. No matter if it is typical or not for kids her age and
>> younger, we've generally only had problems with kids arguing over who
>> gets to walk with Kendra (fighting to HAVE a turn) when they pair off
>> in twos or trying to be the one who hands Kendra her cane as they  
>> head
>> to the door. (Followed by an adult explaining how nice it is that  
>> they
>> want to help but that she knows where her cane is and she can [and
>> will] get that herself.) There are lots of IEP kids at this school  
>> (as
>> with her previous school-- WAY more than average) so most of these
>> kids are quite used to dealing with diversity and should "know
>> better"...
>>
>> This is sort of a classic example of wanting to examine what happened
>> in the context of what SHOULD have happened, but that is in the past.
>> We needed to figure out the value of telling her that it did happen
>> which after some thought and discussion is what we plan to do at this
>> point; she needs to know and she should have learned right when it
>> happened. Now that this has come up, we can also have a strategy for
>> the future and be on the same page with the teachers at school. Try  
>> as
>> one may, it is hard to have a plan for everything BEFORE it  
>> happens...
>>
>> I think the real problem is that once the ideal response didn't  
>> happen
>> as it should have, now it is much harder to know the exact proper
>> approach; we are no longer "in the heat of battle". Kendra is really
>> only just learning to try to understand what it means that others can
>> "see", so the notion that others can see and use this magical power  
>> to
>> steal from her is a concept that I was not really wanting to try and
>> teach just yet, but we have to adjust the plan as the game is  
>> played...
>>
>> Having no light perception at all, I think that the entire notion of
>> sight is still a bit baffling to Kendra. We're not trying to keep the
>> concept of sight a secret obviously, but we're still very much trying
>> to help the concept of "vision" make some reasonable sense to her. In
>> fact, I wonder if there are any no-light-perception-since-birth  
>> people
>> on this listserv who can offer any suggestions to sighted adults
>> trying to convey the concept of vision to a child who has never had
>> any. Not what vision is for or what it does so much, as what it "is".
>> I really can't understand how one would do that well for any
>> completely absent sense. Any thoughts? What has worked for other
>> parents who's kids have been totally blind since birth?
>>
>> I can sort of imagine telling someone with really low vision, or even
>> just light perception that some people can get a lot more information
>> than a general shape (or just light and dark etc.) but where do you
>> start with the explanation, again, given the experience of even a  
>> very
>> bright seven year old in a way that is useful?
>>
>> When it comes down to it, I guess the actual incident is not that big
>> of a deal-- that one child took part of another's lunch. And if you
>> were one typical kid grabbing another sighted kid's food, you would  
>> no
>> doubt want to do that when that kid wasn't looking as well, so I
>> cannot really put my finger on just how or why this seems so  
>> terrible,
>> yet it still does... I mean on the one hand, we want to say everyone
>> is the same and equal, but on the other, there is a weakness here  
>> (for
>> lack of a better term) and somehow, right or wrong, it does seem to  
>> be
>> a good deal more inappropriate (at least to me) to grab a blind kid's
>> food than it does to sneak it from a sighted kid when he or she is  
>> not
>> looking.
>>
>> Richard
>>
>>
>>
>> On Nov 4, 2009, at 3:30 PM, Susan Harper wrote:
>>
>>> It happened at school.  The school should be responsible for talking
>>> with
>>> her and then the students involved should tell her what they did and
>>> apologize, if and only if  you think your daughter is mature enough
>>> to deal
>>> with this.  You may want to be the one to prep your daughter ahead
>>> of time
>>> and be with her at school as a support.  School needs to be
>>> responsible for
>>> school.  I don't know the age of your daughter, so this is my best
>>> guess
>>> from the gut advice.  Let us know how it goes.
>>> Blessings
>>>
>>> On Wed, Nov 4, 2009 at 11:07 AM, Kieszak, Stephanie (CDC/CCEHIP/  
>>> NCEH) <
>>> sek7 at cdc.gov> wrote:
>>>
>>>> I received this e-mail from my daughter's teacher this morning and
>>>> don't
>>>> really know how to respond. Any suggestions? My gut reaction is  
>>>> that
>>>> telling her now doesn't really serve a purpose. Kendra is in first
>>>> grade.
>>>> Thank you.
>>>> Stephanie
>>>>
>>>> -----Original Message-----
>>>> Ms. Kieszak,
>>>>
>>>> Upon my return to school this week, I was informed that on Monday
>>>> (11/2),
>>>> two students from our class took some of Kendra's food during lunch
>>>> without her knowing. The two students received consequences for  
>>>> their
>>>> behavior on the day of the incident and further consequences when I
>>>> returned. Mrs. XX, our Assistant Principal, also spoke with them. I
>>>> wanted to let you know about the situation and to ask for your
>>>> advice.
>>>>
>>>> Do you think we should tell Kendra what happened? If so, what do  
>>>> you
>>>> think
>>>> is a good approach to letting her know and by whom (i.e. one of us
>>>> here
>>>> at
>>>> school or at home)?
>>>>
>>>>
>>>> Sincerely,
>>>> Mrs. YY
>>>>
>>>>
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