[blindkid] alternative parenting guide

[Richard Holloway]

I agree with Jim on this. In our house, we treat  our kids the same as  
much as possible and we expect from all of them basically the same  
things, at least on an age-appropriate basis (our kids range from 4 to  
16 at this point with our blind child falling in the middle at not  
quite age 8). This is our goal unless there is a specific and  
compelling reason not to do so on a particular issue.

In our case, the most likely thing to "excuse" something from our  
blind daughter is that she didn't have the information or the number  
of reminders & cues which her sighted siblings had to such a point  
that she could not be expected to be held to the same standard and  
that is generally a short-term excuse. The long term remedy to that is  
to provide the needed information. That is the one case where I think  
parenting is to be modified-- In fact that is for me the most  
frustrating part of parenting a blind child but it also means there is  
generally a cure. The real challenge as the parent of a blind child is  
to convey the information she needs or perhaps that she deserves to  
have is a better way to put it. Off the top of my head, blind kids are  
way more likely to eat a meal while facing away from a table, for  
example. Why? Sighted kids watch people sit and face a table as they  
eat from birth. They have experienced this hundreds, or in fact  
probably thousands of times before they are ever expected to do this  
"properly" on their own and they also have a built-in reason to do so;  
they're looking at the food they plan to eat. Socially, blind kids are  
not going to fit in if they face away from the table or sit sideways  
at meals, etc., but how are they going to know this is what everyone  
else is doing? We have to tell them, right? At lest we do if we want  
them to fit in socially in a world where there is an awful lot of  
sighted bias...

If you have ever seen an audio described movie, where they tell you  
what is happening with a voice-over when the actors are not speaking,  
that's what a lot of our lives are like with our daughter (we are the  
describers in this case). Here's another simple example: WIthout our  
giving our daughter extra information, a drive to the store or across  
town or across the country is a very different thing than it is for a  
sighted child. To balance that out-- at least to the degree possible,  
we try and tell Kendra what is happening outside the car. The windows  
are generally up so few sounds come in. The air conditioning is  
generally recirculating mostly so smells aren't very meaningful. I  
don't do this all the time, but at least sometimes, I point out that  
we are passing houses about this fast-- then I count them off: 1, 2,  
3, 4, 5... and now there's a 7-11 on the left and a bank on the right.  
Then on another trip, I discuss cross roads, or traffic lights we're  
passing, or phone poles and power lines as I count the poles. The list  
is nearly endless for driving alone because as those of us who see as  
we ride or drive know, there are new things to observe on most every  
car ride even of we've driven the route 1000 times. (Also, now and  
then a drive with windows open helps a little.) This brings up much  
dialogue and many questions. Likewise, when you walk into a room,  
there can be a quick briefing as to who and what is there and what is  
going on.

Longer-term, I presume there will be more and more of a building of a  
knowledge base where fewer and fewer things will need detailed  
description all the time. At least that has been the trend so far in  
some areas. When our child is not being successful, the first thing I  
try and put to the test is what information did my child not get as  
compared to her sighted peers and how can that most reasonably be  
provided, and further, do we need to provide that or is there a  
reasonable way for her to get that on her own?

Say that she is missing a toy that was misplaced. If I know she had it  
last and put it somewhere, she needs to try and locate it on her own  
before I go on a quest for it, just like with the other kids. On the  
other hand, if I know that her little brother moved something to a  
completely different room, then she is at a considerable disadvantage  
so yes, at age seven I'm likely to help a lot more quickly in that  
case. I'm sure there are many examples which are far more to the point  
but hopefully that will be at least slightly useful. In this case, I  
want her to learn to solve things on her own but not to get so  
frustrated that she gives up. She should try to remember where she  
left something but her guessing where a 4-year-old hid her doll is  
unreasonable.

In our particular case, it seems like the school does a little better  
with filling in academic gaps than social ones but missing information  
causes problems in all areas. One final example possibly worth a  
mention: On a practice exam question, when asked, Kendra decided that  
of the following three items: 1) People, 2) Dogs, and 3) Elephants,  
#1, People would be the largest. How could this be? Well, she's seen  
and experienced people and dogs. Clearly, people are larger. She's  
seen elephants too-- only all she has seen is a little toy elephant  
and somehow, nobody ever thought to tell her that an ACTUAL elephant  
is quite a lot larger that a plastic toy. Think of that example and  
expand on it. Imagine that all you have ever seen between a tiger, and  
elephant, a whale and a dinosaur is handheld plastic models or toys of  
each. Which is lager? Which is softer? Which is most brightly colored?  
Which likes the water? Again, the list is nearly endless. This is my  
primary parenting challenge in a nut shell.

I'm probably belaboring to excess the point as I am prone to do but  
honestly, almost every blindness parenting challenge I have  
encountered can be tied back to at least some degree to a lack of the  
information that my daughter gets from the missing incidental visual  
learning which her sighted siblings and peers all enjoy every day. It  
is up to the parents, the teachers and technology at hand to fill  
these gaps as well as well as possible.

Richard



On Jul 19, 2010, at 9:50 PM, Jim Beyer wrote:

> Hi Sherry,
>
>
> I don't know if there is such a book. If there was, we probably  
> would have
> all read it when our kids were toddlers as well.
> In my opinion, blind kids don't need alternative parenting  
> techniques; they
> need what all kids need...good parenting.
> Our basic rule was that we would treat our daughter and hold her to  
> the same
> expectations that we had for her sighted brothers. Only if she  
> proved beyond
> any doubt that she was incapable of success in some area would we  
> offer
> assistance/accommodation.
>
> My humble opinion
> Jim