[blindkid] recess and social interaction

Tue Jun 1 05:08:05 UTC 2010

Hi all,

This issue of social isolation is a quintessential problem that
afflicts many of us at some point while we are growing up, blind or
sighted, so as others have pointed out, it's not exclusively a
blindness issue. Having grown up blind I can remember and relate to
Ahbee's experiences based upon those experiences I had at around the
same age. In fact, I can vividly remember a particular day near the
end of the third grade when a girl who I thought was my "best friend"
ditched me at recess to play with another girl she claimed to be her
"friend" (implying that I wasn't) and though I can laugh about it now,
that incident was incredibly painful to me at the time.
I'd like to bring up a few points that haven't been mentioned yet:

-- As others have described, anything Ahbee can learn to do to
organize or initiate social interaction, rather than relying on others
to invite her to join them, will go far. So if she can invite
classmates to a party at her house, perhaps, or teach them a game or
activity that she enjoys and is good at, that would be advantageous. I
also agree with assessing the playground options and finding ways to
adapt particular games or activities so she can be an equal
participant.
-- You mention that different kids are assigned to help her in gym
class. I don't know the details of the situation but I wonder if it's
possible to set things up for her in gym so she can rely less on help
from peers. When I went through elementary school in the early '90's,
beginning in the second grade a child in my class (rotating each day)
was assigned to be my sighted guide throughout the day. I recall that
problems with being excluded or not invited to play with other kids
started at about that same time and though it might have been
coincidence, I've always wondered if the sighted guide system made
kids view me as more of a burden or responsibility than as a potential
friend or someone to have fun playing with. So the more independent
she can be, or the more necessary assistance can be relegated to
teachers, the better.
-- Finally, I can't overemphasize the value of friendships with other
blind children. Your TVI should be able to give you information about
local programs in your area in which she can participate to meet blind
kids her age. In Phoenix where I grew up, a nonprofit agency sponsored
a summer and weekend recreational program for blind kids that I
attended from the summer before fourth grade through high school,
which I colloquially refer to as "blind camp". I had some of my most
meaningful and emotionally significant social experiences at blind
camp, and when I was there blindness was no longer a reason for
exclusion or presumed inferiority. I couldn't imagine where I would be
today in my self-concept or social development without the healthy and
age-appropriate encounters I had with other blind kids there. Of
course a blind child isn't going to bond with every other blind child
they meet just because of blindness, but if friendships with other
blind children do form, they can be incredibly affirming. With other
blind kids I was able to have truly equal-status friendships that
taught me about give-and-take, trust, and other lessons that have been
essential to my relationships as an adult. I would also add that in my
experience blind children are much more apt than sighted children to
give direct, meaningful social feedback. Though sighted children
quickly learn not to tease the blind kid, other blind kids have no
qualms about teasing or criticizing strange or inappropriate behavior
(and I can say this having stood on both sides of the teasing fence).

I hope this is helpful; feel free to ask me more specific questions if you wish.

Arielle

On 5/31/10, Heather <craney07 at rochester.rr.com> wrote:
> Ok, this is not going to go over well, but here goes.  There is an ackward
> and painful period that hits around now, between second and fourth grade, in
> which children shift gears from one stage of social interaction to another.
> >From infancy to around grade two or three children observe differences
> objectively and indifferently, Johny is black, Cindy is blind, Amy has long
> hair, Ronda has two daddies, Emily is deaf, etc.  It doesn't make them more
> or less likely to interact with them.  It is the most honest and wonderful
> time because they are not afraid of differences, are not cruel, not
> intentionally cruel and are not fake, giving false sympathy and so on.  If a
> child is normally a bully and hits the other children, they will hit your
> blind child and your child will learn when to fight back and when to call an
> adult and how to cope and talk out problems.  If a child is a helper they
> will want to help your blind child with everything, but they will also be
> wanting to help the other children with everything, so your child will not
> feel singled out by their attentions.  If a child is a hugger they will run
> up and hug your blind child, just like every child and your child will learn
> about personal space and comfort levels and unconditional positive regard.
> Then there are a few dark years when children's experiences, their famlies,
> communities and the media start to tell them that skin colour and ability
> level and socioeconomic status matter.  This is when children will begin to
> ignore, tease or fear your blind child.  In the best case scenereo they will
> tease them, because at least then your child can fight back with witty
> words, or physically, minor squabbles amung children under ten are
> developmentally normative and healthy if they do not escelate.  Or next best
> case they fear your child, because that can be overcome with time and logic.
> But, the worst case is ignoring them.  With no confrontation, as provided by
> taunting and teasing and no logically unsound ideation to be overcome, the
> blind child can do little to gain the interest of the other children.
> Teachers interfearing may make it worse as sighted children begin to feel
> pressured to play with the blind child, and resentment will grow from that.
> There is light at the end of the tunnel.  Around fifth or sixth grade
> children begin to devide into clicks, in large relatively diversafied clicks
> this is a good thing, I.E. the jocks, the nerds, the geeks, the theatre
> freaks, etc.  This is when children seek out friends not based purely on
> proximity, as preschoolers do, and not merely based on socially percieved
> norms, as in elementary school, but they begin, around junior high or middle
> school to seek out friends based on common interests and tallents.  Your
> child will be best served to take their interests and passions and
> personality and natural abilities and cultivate them now, and when their
> peers maturity advances, they will gravitate towards them.  It will be
> rough, and your child may have only one good friend for much of their school
> career or a very small, but very close nit circle of friends, and I,
> personally think this is a good thing.  It is more realistic and more
> genuine.  I had three very close friends in high school, where most other
> girls had large circles of twenty or more "friends" but in a chrisus, my
> friends were always there for me and I for them, whereas these other girls
> were lucky to have one friend out of twenty "friends" who would really care
> about what was going on with them and help them.  The blind adults who are
> alone, depressed, or who settle for friends and life partners who are below
> their motivation, achievement, education, intelectual level, etc, are the
> ones who gave in to the loneliness that can set in during childhood in the
> transition from unconditional, immature, but so sweet ant inocent
> relationships, to meaningful, deeper friendships in the higher grades.  If
> she has good familial supports, as it sounds like she has, and as long as
> there is lots of communication, and you watch for signs of giving up, and
> intentional isolation to avoid rejection, she will weather the storm.  For
> now, help her find her self, so that when her sighted peers finally "grow
> up" and do away with the natural and unavoidable self-centeredness and
> shallowness that is an inevadable step in the social progression, she will
> be a well-rounded, interesting, self motivated person who will captivate
> them.  She will make life long friends on the math team, at a horseback
> riding class, in orchestra, in the backpacking club, at a cat show, at a
> concert, etc, not on the playground.  Have her pick something meaningful for
> her to do during ressess.  If she likes swinging, then she should head over,
> snag a swing and swing to her heart's content and ignore the children who
> are ignoring her, and one day a girl or boy who enjoys swinging as much as
> she does will come and join her.  Or, if she likes music then she should
> bring a discman or an MP3 player and enjoy some good music.  Bring a yoga
> mat and do positions on her own, bring an art project outside, jog around
> the track, if there is one and she has a system, etc.  You can't force
> friendships, but if she displays confidence in who she is and what she
> likes, she will be the weird kid who does X Y or Z to most of the kids and
> the cool girl who does X Y or Z no matter what everyone else thinks, to a
> smaller group who will gain confidence in themselves and then become her
> friends when they catch up to her in maturity.  In both cases which will
> both manifest to some degree depending on her own unique style and
> personality, she will always be on the raydar, not some obscure blind girl
> remembered in conversation for her blindness.  She will be mentioned for
> always having all sorts of music with her to listen to at ressess, or always
> reading books a few grade levels above, por always having the T-shirts with
> world wildlife federation on them, or something else that is her, not her
> disability.  I hope that was helpful.  It's not to say that she won't have
> any friends at this age, but be prrepared for the worst, hope for the best,
> and what you will get will probably be in between.  I've written several
> papers on this theory for various classes, and I'd be happy to talk more
> with you about it off list if you think this would be helpful.  Have a great
> day and tell her that Jeremy, my 22 month old and I both send hugs her way.
> ----- Original Message -----
> From: "Joy Orton" <ortonsmom at gmail.com>
> To: "NFB Blindkid list" <blindkid at nfbnet.org>
> Sent: Monday, May 31, 2010 3:51 PM
> Subject: [blindkid] recess and social interaction
>
>
>> Dear Friends, (sorry, this is pretty long)
>>
>> Please help us with your ideas and experiences. Our daughter Ahbee is in
>> third grade (for one more week), and is having trouble with recess. She
>> often does not have anyone to play with or spend her recess with. She just
>> walks around by herself for most of the time. Sometimes one  or more
>> children will come to her and invite her to join them in what they are
>> doing, but not always. She has sometimes asked her classmates in advance
>> of
>> recess to play with her. One girl said yes, but then did not play with her
>> and said, "I couldn't find you."
>>
>> During recent conversations she has said this has been going on for two
>> years, or specifically, "Since Jacey moved."
>> Jacey is a girl from China who was adopted at age 5 by a family who lived
>> near us. Ahbee (who was adopted at age 4 from China)  and Jacey spent
>> kindergarten (half of one year and all of the repeated year) and first
>> grade
>> together, but then Jacey's family moved to another school district. They
>> had
>> in common that they had been adopted from China as young children, not
>> infants, and that they repeated that kindergarten class. They were very
>> good
>> friends.
>>
>> Last year, in second grade, Ahbee was "not playing with anyone" at recess,
>> and I learned about it from another mom whose child was apparently having
>> some similar issues. We got the two together for one or two play dates. I
>> also spoke with the classroom teacher and TVI about it, and I thought they
>> were watching for problems.
>>
>> This year, I asked early in the school year, and I thought things were
>> going
>> better. We had some problems with gym class as well, and those have been
>> addressed by assigning children to be Ahbee's helpers during gym. The
>> helpers rotate or take turns. But apparently there is still a big issue
>> with
>> recess, and it is starting to cause enough pain that Ahbee is bringing it
>> up.
>>
>> So, I have a couple of concerns or questions.
>> First, how can Ahbee find people to play with at recess, and how can we
>> facilitate that?
>> Second, how can I make sure that the teachers are observing and letting me
>> know how she is doing? I don't want this problem to continue for another
>> year!
>>
>> Looking forward to your responses.
>> Joy Orton
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>
>
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-- 
Arielle Silverman
President, National Association of Blind Students
Phone:  602-502-2255
Email:
nabs.president at gmail.com
Website:
www.nabslink.org