[blindkid] Struggling with socialising

Wed May 4 14:50:59 UTC 2011

This is a huge topic with many answers, but here are a few thoughts-- 

Kids seem pretty open to dealing with other children with unique situations, but just as our blind children are lacking information about the world around them (especially early on), so are many sighted children pretty uninformed about matters of blindness.

From the start, children have reacted in various ways to our blind daughter. Generally, (especially when she was younger), I would intervene when the other kids got that "what is she doing?!!" look around her (she might be reaching towards their voices but "looking" elsewhere). I might say "this is Kendra, she can't see you. Her eyes work differently than yours". Often, other parents quickly catch on and prompt their kids at that point, offering their names for them or suggesting they introduce themselves. Sometimes, I'll guide Kendra's hand towards a nearby child's hand and ask if she can touch their hand to say hello or something like that. 

I used to do that a lot more. After years of modeling this behavior, now my 8-year-old blind daughter will hear another child and announce "Hello, I'm Kendra-- what's your name?!!!". If the kids go silent, I'll step back in briefly, but if they talk, I stay out of the discussion until I'm need to for some reason.

At times other parents have quickly reprimanded their kids for what they think are inappropriate reactions to Kendra. Generally I would not challenge another parent's guidance of their own kids, but I often break my policy in that one matter. I have no problem with telling other parents when I know their kids are watching / listening to what's going on, that it is okay to have be curious and ask questions-- that's how we learn. Am I talking to the parent or their child? Hmm, who can tell?

Now, I know that most parents would not usually react well to a stranger telling them how to parent a child, but you know what? When there is a social dilemma going on for them like this (maybe call this "blind child induced panic mode for sighted children"), at least so far, I have never had a parent complaint when I offered advice on this matter and I have done it a LOT.

The net result is that my blind daughter makes as many new friends on playgrounds or in parks (or wherever) and probably MORE than either of her sighted siblings and peers.

In my daughter's case, her eyes look typical (she wears prosthetics) except that she often appears to be "looking through" another person or thing. One little boy, probably about three years old when Kendra was the same age, waved his hand in front of her, like you might do to catch the attention of a dazed or daydreaming person. The parent was mortified. I just did my thing: I said to the parent "it's okay, he's curious", then I turned to the boy and said "she can't see you, but she can hear you just fine" and by this time, Kendra was jumping in to say hello. Social disaster avoided entirely, The parent began talking to me and asking questions as the kids had a discussion.

I think the biggest issue is this very typical tendency for nearly all sighted people (I was guilty of this in the past too, I now realize) to stop dead in their tracks, go completely silent, and not know how to react to any person approaching with a white cane or to be caught off guard by some other unusual situation related to blindness and not know what to do, so the sighted person does nothing.

I guess this won't help so much when she's older, but she's still young enough that sometimes (when I know she doesn't need this so much) I'll tell her that there is a little girl about her age, or a boy a couple of years older than her in front of her (etc.) and then she will engage them with a greeting (which she might well have done without the prompting). Meanwhile, that child just got a subtle lesson that not only do they not have to stop and go silent, but that maybe the blind person would like to know they are there and even something about them...

Again, at least in our case for the kids, some sort of ice breaker seems to do the trick, be that by the parent or the child (or both). Especially recently, though really for the last several years to some degree, our 8-year-old now has her own "standard" ice breaker. She nearly always has some sort of equipment in hand, typically a BrailleNote, but sometimes a Victor Reader, or even a pocket recorder, etc.

Very often, after she meets someone, she asks if she can record their voice. I used to try and discourage this, feeling it was too invasive, but again, nobody has ever complained, and I don't think anyone has ever refused. (If someone does refuse one day, I'll remind Kendra as I do from time to time that some people may not want to do that.) She's looking for something like "Hi, I'm Susie and I'm wearing a green shirt", or such. Just some information to know the person and reference. Once there is that much of an exchange, conversation begins to flow much more naturally and also kids then want to know about "that machine". With the BrailleNote, a conversation about braille often follows when they look at the display or the braille-style keyboard. Time and again, I see kids go from a little scared, to curious and maybe interested to even fascination at times...

At age three, a common moment could be a shared toy or interacting on a play structure in the park, etc. I do think there is a bit of a lag that is almost unavoidable while "parallel play" is still the main way kids interact socially. I know that starts around age 2 or 3. I'm not sure when it ends, and it is a gradual change towards greater interaction. Certainly my pre-k aged son is much more interactive than when he was three. I would guess the transition is somewhere around age 4?

There is also a bit of a trick that worked for us with parallel play. Again, I would use the ice breaker-- "this is Kendra, she can't see you" (etc.) but more so the parents could hear and know what was going on. After that, just as we describe so many things, we'd say "Kendra, there is a little boy about your age playing next to you. He's wearing a green shirt and has a shovel and is digging in the sand." (Or whatever made sense to describe.)

Ultimately, I think that the best way to get our kids interacting with people and their environment is to keep our children as informed about their surroundings as possible while we let others around us know that our kids want to interact with them as well.

I'll be interested to hear what others have found works as well. I'm always looking for new approaches!

On May 4, 2011, at 4:22 AM, Margie & Deryck Smith wrote:

> My grandson, aged 3 is visually impaired.  He has basic navigational vision.
> He is bright and outgoing and loves company.
> 
> We would appreciate any input that can help him to cope in social situations
> with sighted kids.  He wants to be included in their games and activities,
> but finds it difficult because (for example at a playground) he doesn't know
> where they are and what they're doing.  So he gravitates to the adults for
> company.
> 
> Any ideas?
> 
> Margie Smith (South Africa)
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