[blindkid] Struggling with socialising

Marie empwrn at bellsouth.net
Wed May 4 16:29:40 UTC 2011


Richard, you are such a wonderful resource! Thank you so much for this. Jack
is socially behind his peers and at nearly age 6 is just emerging from the
parallel play stage. Because of the many things going on with Jack, it is
sometimes hard to remember subtle things like describing the children around
him may help get an interaction going. I have been a frequent modeler of
saying hello but now (smack my forehead) I do realize that Jack must at
least some of the time be wondering just who I am saying hello to! He has
picked up the habit of saying hi. If he hears voices talking, he wants to
"go say hi" and is pretty insistent about it. Thank you so much for sharing
your experiences!!!

Marie (mother of Jack, born May 2005)
Check out our blog at http://www.allaccesspasstojack.blogspot.com for
glimpses into our busy life with a boy who is busy growing and developing in
his own way in his own time

-----Original Message-----
From: blindkid-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:blindkid-bounces at nfbnet.org] On
Behalf Of Richard Holloway
Sent: Wednesday, May 04, 2011 9:51 AM
To: NFBnet Blind Kid Mailing List, (for parents of blind children)
Subject: Re: [blindkid] Struggling with socialising

This is a huge topic with many answers, but here are a few thoughts-- 

Kids seem pretty open to dealing with other children with unique situations,
but just as our blind children are lacking information about the world
around them (especially early on), so are many sighted children pretty
uninformed about matters of blindness.

>From the start, children have reacted in various ways to our blind
daughter. Generally, (especially when she was younger), I would intervene
when the other kids got that "what is she doing?!!" look around her (she
might be reaching towards their voices but "looking" elsewhere). I might say
"this is Kendra, she can't see you. Her eyes work differently than yours".
Often, other parents quickly catch on and prompt their kids at that point,
offering their names for them or suggesting they introduce themselves.
Sometimes, I'll guide Kendra's hand towards a nearby child's hand and ask if
she can touch their hand to say hello or something like that. 

I used to do that a lot more. After years of modeling this behavior, now my
8-year-old blind daughter will hear another child and announce "Hello, I'm
Kendra-- what's your name?!!!". If the kids go silent, I'll step back in
briefly, but if they talk, I stay out of the discussion until I'm need to
for some reason.

At times other parents have quickly reprimanded their kids for what they
think are inappropriate reactions to Kendra. Generally I would not challenge
another parent's guidance of their own kids, but I often break my policy in
that one matter. I have no problem with telling other parents when I know
their kids are watching / listening to what's going on, that it is okay to
have be curious and ask questions-- that's how we learn. Am I talking to the
parent or their child? Hmm, who can tell?

Now, I know that most parents would not usually react well to a stranger
telling them how to parent a child, but you know what? When there is a
social dilemma going on for them like this (maybe call this "blind child
induced panic mode for sighted children"), at least so far, I have never had
a parent complaint when I offered advice on this matter and I have done it a
LOT.

The net result is that my blind daughter makes as many new friends on
playgrounds or in parks (or wherever) and probably MORE than either of her
sighted siblings and peers.

In my daughter's case, her eyes look typical (she wears prosthetics) except
that she often appears to be "looking through" another person or thing. One
little boy, probably about three years old when Kendra was the same age,
waved his hand in front of her, like you might do to catch the attention of
a dazed or daydreaming person. The parent was mortified. I just did my
thing: I said to the parent "it's okay, he's curious", then I turned to the
boy and said "she can't see you, but she can hear you just fine" and by this
time, Kendra was jumping in to say hello. Social disaster avoided entirely,
The parent began talking to me and asking questions as the kids had a
discussion.

I think the biggest issue is this very typical tendency for nearly all
sighted people (I was guilty of this in the past too, I now realize) to stop
dead in their tracks, go completely silent, and not know how to react to any
person approaching with a white cane or to be caught off guard by some other
unusual situation related to blindness and not know what to do, so the
sighted person does nothing.

I guess this won't help so much when she's older, but she's still young
enough that sometimes (when I know she doesn't need this so much) I'll tell
her that there is a little girl about her age, or a boy a couple of years
older than her in front of her (etc.) and then she will engage them with a
greeting (which she might well have done without the prompting). Meanwhile,
that child just got a subtle lesson that not only do they not have to stop
and go silent, but that maybe the blind person would like to know they are
there and even something about them...

Again, at least in our case for the kids, some sort of ice breaker seems to
do the trick, be that by the parent or the child (or both). Especially
recently, though really for the last several years to some degree, our
8-year-old now has her own "standard" ice breaker. She nearly always has
some sort of equipment in hand, typically a BrailleNote, but sometimes a
Victor Reader, or even a pocket recorder, etc.

Very often, after she meets someone, she asks if she can record their voice.
I used to try and discourage this, feeling it was too invasive, but again,
nobody has ever complained, and I don't think anyone has ever refused. (If
someone does refuse one day, I'll remind Kendra as I do from time to time
that some people may not want to do that.) She's looking for something like
"Hi, I'm Susie and I'm wearing a green shirt", or such. Just some
information to know the person and reference. Once there is that much of an
exchange, conversation begins to flow much more naturally and also kids then
want to know about "that machine". With the BrailleNote, a conversation
about braille often follows when they look at the display or the
braille-style keyboard. Time and again, I see kids go from a little scared,
to curious and maybe interested to even fascination at times...

At age three, a common moment could be a shared toy or interacting on a play
structure in the park, etc. I do think there is a bit of a lag that is
almost unavoidable while "parallel play" is still the main way kids interact
socially. I know that starts around age 2 or 3. I'm not sure when it ends,
and it is a gradual change towards greater interaction. Certainly my pre-k
aged son is much more interactive than when he was three. I would guess the
transition is somewhere around age 4?

There is also a bit of a trick that worked for us with parallel play. Again,
I would use the ice breaker-- "this is Kendra, she can't see you" (etc.) but
more so the parents could hear and know what was going on. After that, just
as we describe so many things, we'd say "Kendra, there is a little boy about
your age playing next to you. He's wearing a green shirt and has a shovel
and is digging in the sand." (Or whatever made sense to describe.)

Ultimately, I think that the best way to get our kids interacting with
people and their environment is to keep our children as informed about their
surroundings as possible while we let others around us know that our kids
want to interact with them as well.

I'll be interested to hear what others have found works as well. I'm always
looking for new approaches!




On May 4, 2011, at 4:22 AM, Margie & Deryck Smith wrote:

> My grandson, aged 3 is visually impaired.  He has basic navigational
vision.
> He is bright and outgoing and loves company.
> 
> We would appreciate any input that can help him to cope in social
situations
> with sighted kids.  He wants to be included in their games and activities,
> but finds it difficult because (for example at a playground) he doesn't
know
> where they are and what they're doing.  So he gravitates to the adults for
> company.
> 
> Any ideas?
> 
> Margie Smith (South Africa)
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