[Blindtlk] Needing Feedback and Support

Fri Dec 10 00:21:10 UTC 2010

Right on Diane.  The only person to give orders in my house is me and 
occasionally my husband, but not to me...smile.

Connie
At 02:12 PM 12/9/2010, you wrote:
>I have to say Pastor Kelm, that I am guilty of losing my Christian 
>decorum or frame of mind over this sort of thing. If someone came 
>into my house talking about "you just sit down," I'm afraid I 
>couldn't resist the urge to say, "you just shut up." Or better yet, 
>"you just get out." LOL
>
>
>
>
>Diane Graves
>Civil Rights Specialist
>Indiana Civil Rights Commission
>Alternative Dispute Resolutions Unit
>317-232-2647
>
>"It is service that measures success."
>George Washington Carver
>
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>-----Original Message-----
>From: blindtlk-bounces at nfbnet.org 
>[mailto:blindtlk-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of James Kelm
>Sent: Thursday, December 09, 2010 1:54 PM
>To: Blind Talk Mailing List
>Subject: Re: [Blindtlk] Needing Feedback and Support
>
>Dear friends,
>
>     I just thought that I would jump in here and give my two cents worth.
>*smile*  I like all of the comments on this topic!  I once discussed this
>issue of patronizing comments with my brother, but he said that I was
>probably being overly sensitive, and that he didn't think that people did
>this kind of thing too often.  Of course he is not blind!  LOLL
>
>     I have a neighbor who lives in an apartment next to my wife's and my
>apartment.  This woman is very sweet, but drives me crazy with her comments.
>If I am heading to the elevator to go to my apartment, she will run
>proclaiming "he's blind, and someone needs to help him with the buttons".
>If my wife goes out of town to visit her family for a few days and I stay
>home to do work, this neighbor will say things like "that isn't right that
>his wife leaves him home alone...  How will he eat, and what if he gets
>hurt?"  Once this lady came over to our apartment for a brief visit, and
>proceeded to order me around inside of my own apartment.  "You just sit down
>and let your wife do that...  I'm so afraid you are going to hurt yourself,
>so just sit down."  Once I made a comment to a friend about me making dinner
>on a particular day, and this woman actually interjected herself into our
>conversation to say, "Does the apartment manager know that you are using the
>oven?  That's kind of scary for the rest of us, and your wife shouldn't let
>you do that kind of stuff!"  Now keep in mind that I am a 49 year old
>professional, who is rather independent by nature.  I actually lived alone
>for 18 years before being married to my wonderful wife!  I also have a touch
>of the old male ego, and don't like to be treated like a child!
>
>     I have very gently made comments to this lady that she doesn't have to
>worry, and while I appreciate her concern, I am able to look out for myself.
>She says that I'm so sweet, but she doesn't get it!  We have found that a
>third person, in this case my wife, can help a lot.  My wife will make
>general comments such as "I am really happy that James cooked last night,
>because he is a really good cook, and I could relax".  Or, my wife will
>remark about some other aspect that our neighbor has commented on.  We have
>noticed that this has helped.  If I comment, I will be dismissed.  But if a
>third person makes observations, then sometimes it will sink in.
>
>     I hope that all of you sweeties are having a nice day, and are getting
>ready for Christmas.  As for me, I will be sitting in my recliner and day
>dreaming, because folks such as us must be realistic and make sure that we
>do not injure our selves by walking, talking, or by God forbid, cooking!
>LOLL
>
>
>Respectfully in Christ,
>Pastor James Kelm
>Foundational "Christian Family Ministry
>www.fcfministry.org
>
>
>----- Original Message -----
>From: "Gloria Whipple" <fairyfoot at webband.com>
>To: "'Blind Talk Mailing List'" <blindtlk at nfbnet.org>
>Sent: Thursday, December 09, 2010 11:37 AM
>Subject: Re: [Blindtlk] Needing Feedback and Support
>
>
> > I agree with Diane. That is a very good come back.
> >
> >
> > Gloria Whipple
> > Corresponding Secretary
> > Inland Empire chapter
> > nfb of WA
> >
> > cell number: 509-475-4993
> >
> > -----Original Message-----
> > From: blindtlk-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:blindtlk-bounces at nfbnet.org] On
> > Behalf Of Constance Canode
> > Sent: Thursday, December 09, 2010 8:53 AM
> > To: Blind Talk Mailing List
> > Subject: Re: [Blindtlk] Needing Feedback and Support
> >
> > Diane, I agree with Ray.  If the chat doesn't work, you might want to
> > file a formal complaint.  As far as the names are concerned, there is
> > a physician where I worked who insisted on calling me sweetie or
> > honey.  I politely informed him that he must have misread my name tag
> > because it did not say either of those names on it.  He apologized
> > and resorted to calling me by name.
> >
> > Connie
> > At 09:37 AM 12/9/2010, you wrote:
> > >Diane,
> > >
> > >First things first.  Have you tried a nice quiet chat with this
> > >particular antagonist?  Seems to me it's high time you gave that a
> > >try.  Sure, you don't want to go blowing up at her like an explosion
> > >or something.  Now, that would be wrong for you to do.  That might
> > >make you feel good for a very short time, but, frankly, I reckon
> > >that in the long term, you come off as a bitch.  I suppose you
> > >really do not want to do that.  Leaves a bad taste in the mouth;
> > >and, frankly, on the heart as well.  The thing of it is, YOu don't
> > >want to just give in either.  I'd start with a nice quiet chat.  I
> > >don't mean just get her in the break room or over by the water
> > >cooler for a second or so.  I mean you actually need to schedule her
> > >in for an appointment and frankly say to her that you need to have a
> > >serious talk with her.  You want to talk alone, if possible; but, if
> > >you since that  she's being a you know what about it, you might want
> > >to include the boss.  For sure, you want the boss involved anyhow,
> > >especially if it may involve work matters, (as I kind of suspect
> > >this might).  Seems to me you've let this fester for much too long
> > >already.  You should have done this nearer the beginning of the
> > >issue.  IF the nice quiet chat fails to resolve, you might resort to
> > >using a formal memorandum or something.
> > >
> > >It will be interesting to see what others have to say.
> > >
> > >
> > >Sincerely,
> > >The Constantly Barefooted Ray!!!
> > >
> > >Now A Very Proud and very happy Mac user!!!
> > >
> > >Skype Name:
> > >barefootedray
> > >
> > >On Dec 9, 2010, at 8:01 AM, Graves, Diane wrote:
> > >
> > > >
> > > > Hello Federationists.
> > > >
> > > > First of all, let me apologize if I have posted this question
> > > here before. I have been on the list, and dealing with the same
> > > issue for a good number of years, and my memory is not what it used
> > > to be. So, I'm hoping I'm not being repetitious, but here we go.
> > > >
> > > > Most of you who know me know that I am a long time federationist,
> > > and am someone who has been blind since I was a toddler. Even so,
> > > I'm afraid I still have not mastered the art of dealing with
> > > condescending comments and behavior from my sighted colleagues in
> > > an effective, graceful manner. I tend to have two modes. One is
> > > passive, the other is aggressive. Each of these modes has a
> > > negative impact, and neither is appropriate. I'm hoping I can get
> > > some good suggestions here.
> > > >
> > > > The ironic thing about this as it relates to my coworkers is that
> > > I work for a local civil rights agency. Some of those who are
> > > dishing out this treatment are people who have likely experienced
> > > similar treatment themselves, or have been commissioned to
> > > eradicate this treatment.  Anyway, the list of instances is
> > > infinite and stretches back to the onset of my blindness, but, in
> > > the interest of time, I'll just give you the latest example.
> > > >
> > > > The office is having a holiday pitch-in on Friday and each staff
> > > member was asked to sign up and bring a dish.  When I informed the
> > > coordinator that I would be baking bread, she asked me "Oh, are you
> > > sure you want to cook?" Duhhh? Now I would bet my life that no
> > > other staff person who signed up to bring a dish (virtually all of
> > > us) was asked this question. Even as I say it, it sounds a bit
> > > minor, but these things add up and happen all the time.
> > > >
> > > > This same person is always volunteering to bring things to my
> > > desk so that I don't have to come to her and pick them up or sign a
> > > card for a staff member or whatever. She is always calling me
> > > "honey/sweetie, and using a tone that one might use when talking
> > > with a child. ." I have never heard her talk to another staff
> > > person in this way. I talked to a group of high school students who
> > > came to the office a few months ago about my job and what I do, and
> > > this same person proceeded to tell me how very amazing I was. What?
> > > I'm amazing because I can tell a group of kids what I do for a living?
> > > >
> > > > I have tried to talk to others about the treatment before and
> > > have been told that people were just "trying to help," and that I
> > > was making too much out of things. I have also had major melt downs
> > > over these types of things before, and caused myself to be alienated.
> > > >
> > > > I don't want to be alienated. I want to have friends. I just want
> > > to be viewed and treated as an equal, and not talked down to as if
> > > I were a child or somehow less capable. It wouldn't be appropriate
> > > on the basis of race, national origin or any other protected class,
> > > and it isn't appropriate on the basis of blindness either.
> > > >
> > > > Anyway, how do the rest of you deal with things like this
> > > effectively? Any feedback would really be appreciated.
> > > >
> > > > [cid:image002.gif at 01CB977C.AE939EC0]
> > > >
> > > > Diane Graves
> > > > Civil Rights Specialist
> > > > Indiana Civil Rights Commission
> > > > Alternative Dispute Resolutions Unit
> > > > 317-232-2647
> > > >
> > > > "It is service that measures success."
> > > > George Washington Carver
> > > >
> > > > Confidentiality Notice: This E-mail transmission may contain
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