[Blindtlk] Needing Feedback and Support
Judy Jones
jtj1 at cableone.net
Fri Dec 10 13:45:29 UTC 2010
Sometimes, people need to be courteously but firmly stopped.
Judy
----- Original Message -----
From: "Graves, Diane" <dgraves at icrc.IN.gov>
To: "'Blind Talk Mailing List'" <blindtlk at nfbnet.org>
Sent: Friday, December 10, 2010 6:41 AM
Subject: Re: [Blindtlk] Needing Feedback and Support
> James,
>
> Thank you. You are exactly right. It wouldn't be acceptable, and it
> shouldn't be acceptable, but, when it comes to the blind, we are just
> supposed to sit back and take it. This is what makes me so angry,
> particularly in a civil rights setting.
>
> In response to Ray's question, I am very comfortable with my blindness. It
> is other people who are not. My problem is not with my blindness, it is
> with steadfastly maintaining my dignity when others insist on assuming
> that I am inferior, and making me appear that way to others.
>
>
> Diane Graves
> Civil Rights Specialist
> Indiana Civil Rights Commission
> Alternative Dispute Resolutions Unit
> 317-232-2647
>
> "It is service that measures success."
> George Washington Carver
>
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>
> -----Original Message-----
> From: blindtlk-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:blindtlk-bounces at nfbnet.org] On
> Behalf Of James Kelm
> Sent: Thursday, December 09, 2010 4:33 PM
> To: Blind Talk Mailing List
> Subject: Re: [Blindtlk] Needing Feedback and Support
>
> Dear Diane,
>
> It is ironic of just how many people will be totally offensive to a
> blind person, all under the name of "only being kind"! I often think what
> society's opinion would be, if we substituted another minority in the
> place
> of a blind person. "I am amazed that a black person is able to do that
> job", or "I don't think that a Jewish person should be able to live on
> their
> own". For me personally, I can't imagine that anyone would allow a woman
> to
> attempt to be independent! LOLL
>
> Now that I have sturred up the pot, I will close this E-mail! *smile*
> And remember all of you who are Hispanic... I am only trying to help!
>
>
> Respectfully in Christ,
> Pastor James Kelm
> Foundational Christian Family Ministry
> www.fcfministry.org
>
>
> ----- Original Message -----
> From: "Graves, Diane" <dgraves at icrc.IN.gov>
> To: "'Blind Talk Mailing List'" <blindtlk at nfbnet.org>
> Sent: Thursday, December 09, 2010 2:12 PM
> Subject: Re: [Blindtlk] Needing Feedback and Support
>
>
>> I have to say Pastor Kelm, that I am guilty of losing my Christian
>> decorum
> or frame of mind over this sort of thing. If someone came into my house
> talking about "you just sit down," I'm afraid I couldn't resist the urge
> to
> say, "you just shut up." Or better yet, "you just get out." LOL
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> Diane Graves
>> Civil Rights Specialist
>> Indiana Civil Rights Commission
>> Alternative Dispute Resolutions Unit
>> 317-232-2647
>>
>> "It is service that measures success."
>> George Washington Carver
>>
>> Confidentiality Notice: This E-mail transmission may contain confidential
> and/or legally privileged information intended only for the individual or
> entity(ies)
>> named in the E-mail address. If you are not the intended recipient, be
> advised that any unauthorized disclosure, copying, distribution, or acting
> in reliance
>> upon the contents of this E-mail is strictly prohibited. If you have
> received this E-mail transmission in error, please reply to sender to
> arrange for the return and proper delivery of the transmission.
> Subsequently, delete the message from your system immediately.
>> -----Original Message-----
>> From: blindtlk-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:blindtlk-bounces at nfbnet.org] On
> Behalf Of James Kelm
>> Sent: Thursday, December 09, 2010 1:54 PM
>> To: Blind Talk Mailing List
>> Subject: Re: [Blindtlk] Needing Feedback and Support
>>
>> Dear friends,
>>
>> I just thought that I would jump in here and give my two cents worth.
>> *smile* I like all of the comments on this topic! I once discussed this
>> issue of patronizing comments with my brother, but he said that I was
>> probably being overly sensitive, and that he didn't think that people did
>> this kind of thing too often. Of course he is not blind! LOLL
>>
>> I have a neighbor who lives in an apartment next to my wife's and my
>> apartment. This woman is very sweet, but drives me crazy with her
> comments.
>> If I am heading to the elevator to go to my apartment, she will run
>> proclaiming "he's blind, and someone needs to help him with the buttons".
>> If my wife goes out of town to visit her family for a few days and I stay
>> home to do work, this neighbor will say things like "that isn't right
>> that
>> his wife leaves him home alone... How will he eat, and what if he gets
>> hurt?" Once this lady came over to our apartment for a brief visit, and
>> proceeded to order me around inside of my own apartment. "You just sit
> down
>> and let your wife do that... I'm so afraid you are going to hurt
> yourself,
>> so just sit down." Once I made a comment to a friend about me making
> dinner
>> on a particular day, and this woman actually interjected herself into our
>> conversation to say, "Does the apartment manager know that you are using
> the
>> oven? That's kind of scary for the rest of us, and your wife shouldn't
> let
>> you do that kind of stuff!" Now keep in mind that I am a 49 year old
>> professional, who is rather independent by nature. I actually lived
>> alone
>> for 18 years before being married to my wonderful wife! I also have a
> touch
>> of the old male ego, and don't like to be treated like a child!
>>
>> I have very gently made comments to this lady that she doesn't have
>> to
>> worry, and while I appreciate her concern, I am able to look out for
> myself.
>> She says that I'm so sweet, but she doesn't get it! We have found that a
>> third person, in this case my wife, can help a lot. My wife will make
>> general comments such as "I am really happy that James cooked last night,
>> because he is a really good cook, and I could relax". Or, my wife will
>> remark about some other aspect that our neighbor has commented on. We
> have
>> noticed that this has helped. If I comment, I will be dismissed. But if
> a
>> third person makes observations, then sometimes it will sink in.
>>
>> I hope that all of you sweeties are having a nice day, and are
>> getting
>> ready for Christmas. As for me, I will be sitting in my recliner and day
>> dreaming, because folks such as us must be realistic and make sure that
>> we
>> do not injure our selves by walking, talking, or by God forbid, cooking!
>> LOLL
>>
>>
>> Respectfully in Christ,
>> Pastor James Kelm
>> Foundational "Christian Family Ministry
>> www.fcfministry.org
>>
>>
>> ----- Original Message -----
>> From: "Gloria Whipple" <fairyfoot at webband.com>
>> To: "'Blind Talk Mailing List'" <blindtlk at nfbnet.org>
>> Sent: Thursday, December 09, 2010 11:37 AM
>> Subject: Re: [Blindtlk] Needing Feedback and Support
>>
>>
>> > I agree with Diane. That is a very good come back.
>> >
>> >
>> > Gloria Whipple
>> > Corresponding Secretary
>> > Inland Empire chapter
>> > nfb of WA
>> >
>> > cell number: 509-475-4993
>> >
>> > -----Original Message-----
>> > From: blindtlk-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:blindtlk-bounces at nfbnet.org]
> On
>> > Behalf Of Constance Canode
>> > Sent: Thursday, December 09, 2010 8:53 AM
>> > To: Blind Talk Mailing List
>> > Subject: Re: [Blindtlk] Needing Feedback and Support
>> >
>> > Diane, I agree with Ray. If the chat doesn't work, you might want to
>> > file a formal complaint. As far as the names are concerned, there is
>> > a physician where I worked who insisted on calling me sweetie or
>> > honey. I politely informed him that he must have misread my name tag
>> > because it did not say either of those names on it. He apologized
>> > and resorted to calling me by name.
>> >
>> > Connie
>> > At 09:37 AM 12/9/2010, you wrote:
>> > >Diane,
>> > >
>> > >First things first. Have you tried a nice quiet chat with this
>> > >particular antagonist? Seems to me it's high time you gave that a
>> > >try. Sure, you don't want to go blowing up at her like an explosion
>> > >or something. Now, that would be wrong for you to do. That might
>> > >make you feel good for a very short time, but, frankly, I reckon
>> > >that in the long term, you come off as a bitch. I suppose you
>> > >really do not want to do that. Leaves a bad taste in the mouth;
>> > >and, frankly, on the heart as well. The thing of it is, YOu don't
>> > >want to just give in either. I'd start with a nice quiet chat. I
>> > >don't mean just get her in the break room or over by the water
>> > >cooler for a second or so. I mean you actually need to schedule her
>> > >in for an appointment and frankly say to her that you need to have a
>> > >serious talk with her. You want to talk alone, if possible; but, if
>> > >you since that she's being a you know what about it, you might want
>> > >to include the boss. For sure, you want the boss involved anyhow,
>> > >especially if it may involve work matters, (as I kind of suspect
>> > >this might). Seems to me you've let this fester for much too long
>> > >already. You should have done this nearer the beginning of the
>> > >issue. IF the nice quiet chat fails to resolve, you might resort to
>> > >using a formal memorandum or something.
>> > >
>> > >It will be interesting to see what others have to say.
>> > >
>> > >
>> > >Sincerely,
>> > >The Constantly Barefooted Ray!!!
>> > >
>> > >Now A Very Proud and very happy Mac user!!!
>> > >
>> > >Skype Name:
>> > >barefootedray
>> > >
>> > >On Dec 9, 2010, at 8:01 AM, Graves, Diane wrote:
>> > >
>> > > >
>> > > > Hello Federationists.
>> > > >
>> > > > First of all, let me apologize if I have posted this question
>> > > here before. I have been on the list, and dealing with the same
>> > > issue for a good number of years, and my memory is not what it used
>> > > to be. So, I'm hoping I'm not being repetitious, but here we go.
>> > > >
>> > > > Most of you who know me know that I am a long time federationist,
>> > > and am someone who has been blind since I was a toddler. Even so,
>> > > I'm afraid I still have not mastered the art of dealing with
>> > > condescending comments and behavior from my sighted colleagues in
>> > > an effective, graceful manner. I tend to have two modes. One is
>> > > passive, the other is aggressive. Each of these modes has a
>> > > negative impact, and neither is appropriate. I'm hoping I can get
>> > > some good suggestions here.
>> > > >
>> > > > The ironic thing about this as it relates to my coworkers is that
>> > > I work for a local civil rights agency. Some of those who are
>> > > dishing out this treatment are people who have likely experienced
>> > > similar treatment themselves, or have been commissioned to
>> > > eradicate this treatment. Anyway, the list of instances is
>> > > infinite and stretches back to the onset of my blindness, but, in
>> > > the interest of time, I'll just give you the latest example.
>> > > >
>> > > > The office is having a holiday pitch-in on Friday and each staff
>> > > member was asked to sign up and bring a dish. When I informed the
>> > > coordinator that I would be baking bread, she asked me "Oh, are you
>> > > sure you want to cook?" Duhhh? Now I would bet my life that no
>> > > other staff person who signed up to bring a dish (virtually all of
>> > > us) was asked this question. Even as I say it, it sounds a bit
>> > > minor, but these things add up and happen all the time.
>> > > >
>> > > > This same person is always volunteering to bring things to my
>> > > desk so that I don't have to come to her and pick them up or sign a
>> > > card for a staff member or whatever. She is always calling me
>> > > "honey/sweetie, and using a tone that one might use when talking
>> > > with a child. ." I have never heard her talk to another staff
>> > > person in this way. I talked to a group of high school students who
>> > > came to the office a few months ago about my job and what I do, and
>> > > this same person proceeded to tell me how very amazing I was. What?
>> > > I'm amazing because I can tell a group of kids what I do for a
>> > > living?
>> > > >
>> > > > I have tried to talk to others about the treatment before and
>> > > have been told that people were just "trying to help," and that I
>> > > was making too much out of things. I have also had major melt downs
>> > > over these types of things before, and caused myself to be alienated.
>> > > >
>> > > > I don't want to be alienated. I want to have friends. I just want
>> > > to be viewed and treated as an equal, and not talked down to as if
>> > > I were a child or somehow less capable. It wouldn't be appropriate
>> > > on the basis of race, national origin or any other protected class,
>> > > and it isn't appropriate on the basis of blindness either.
>> > > >
>> > > > Anyway, how do the rest of you deal with things like this
>> > > effectively? Any feedback would really be appreciated.
>> > > >
>> > > > [cid:image002.gif at 01CB977C.AE939EC0]
>> > > >
>> > > > Diane Graves
>> > > > Civil Rights Specialist
>> > > > Indiana Civil Rights Commission
>> > > > Alternative Dispute Resolutions Unit
>> > > > 317-232-2647
>> > > >
>> > > > "It is service that measures success."
>> > > > George Washington Carver
>> > > >
>> > > > Confidentiality Notice: This E-mail transmission may contain
>> > > confidential and/or legally privileged information intended only
>> > > for the individual or entity(ies)
>> > > > named in the E-mail address. If you are not the intended
>> > > recipient, be advised that any unauthorized disclosure, copying,
>> > > distribution, or acting in reliance
>> > > > upon the contents of this E-mail is strictly prohibited. If you
>> > > have received this E-mail transmission in error, please reply to
>> > > sender to arrange for the return and proper delivery of the
>> > > transmission. Subsequently, delete the message from your system
>> > immediately.
>> > > > _______________________________________________
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>> > >
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