[Blindtlk] Needing Feedback and Support

Mon Dec 13 13:39:51 UTC 2010

Hi Kat and Dave,

Your posts made me smile. You are right of course. The best way to demonstrate is by example. It just is so tiring having to constantly prove oneself in places where others do not.

I got a kick out of Kat's example. I had a similar situation not long ago. I was on my way up to the front desk looking for another coworker, and the janitor was in here emptying the trash. He spotted me and said "you're going the wrong way." He thought that I was off course, because, usually, at that time of the morning, I am on my way out to get coffee and a fountain soda to get me through the day. (Weird combination, I know.) Anyway, that day I was doing things a bit different, and he just assumed I was "going the wrong way." When he said that I responded with a question. "How do you know that?" You don't know where I'm going."

He then asked, "you're going out aren't you?" I responded that I, in fact, was not. Then, of course the coworkers who heard the interchange thought I was being rude, because, after all, "he was just trying to be helpful."

Diane Graves
Civil Rights Specialist
Indiana Civil Rights Commission
Alternative Dispute Resolutions Unit
317-232-2647

"It is service that measures success."
George Washington Carver

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-----Original Message-----
From: blindtlk-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:blindtlk-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Kathleen Millhoff
Sent: Sunday, December 12, 2010 6:35 AM
To: Blind Talk Mailing List
Subject: Re: [Blindtlk] Needing Feedback and Support

hi, i agree with dave: just proceed to bake/cook or otherwise concoct
your specialties. meantime, start documenting those incidents at work.
i think this constitutes an adverse working condition and you might
have a grievance. it's a valid way to deal with that stuff that causes
those melt-downs. I totally understand the reactions and have decided
that it's best to put energy into something constructive. people might
not think of grievances as constructive, but they're meant to be. your
agency might have an arbritation team to work through these issues.
but documentation is important in these cases. time, date, instance,
and exact quotes.
another way to look at this is that it's a power play on the part of
your coworker. As long as she orchestrates behaviors such as bringing
things to your desk, she's in control of the situation. You can get
that preemptive action in by working with supervisors.
These things come up a lot; even if a particular scene is minimal, it
is one more straw on the camel's back.
Others might suggest you reciprocate in kind. That is, when she
determines to carry things for your supposed convenience, you can do
the same. I haven't usually found this helpful, as it generally isn't
understood or acknowledged. One time when something happened, and I
followed the rule of reciprocity, it went like this:  I was walking
across a school campus in my capacity as itinerant teacher. Someone
stopped me asked, "where are you going?" I answered, "where are you
going?" Silence and no further such questions. Another time, someone
grabbed my arm and said, "do you know where you're going?" I answered,
"do I know you?" Then, in his hearing, I said, "I have no idea who
this person is or if he even belongs here."
Anyway, we're all working through these things pretty much on a daily
basis. Reactions and responses, as with all others, are usually
determined by our feelings at the moment, the kind of day we're
having, etc.
Good luck, make some delicious bread, and have a great holiday,
contemplating those who react as kindred humans and not overwrought
overseers.
best,
kat

On 12/12/10, David Andrews <dandrews at visi.com> wrote:
> Just say yes, or "yes I cook every day."  The most powerful things we
> do are through our actions -- so just go forth and bring in some
> delicious bread.
>
> Dave
>
>
>>Hello Federationists.
>>
>>First of all, let me apologize if I have posted this question here
>>before. I have been on the list, and dealing with the same issue for
>>a good number of years, and my memory is not what it used to be. So,
>>I'm hoping I'm not being repetitious, but here we go.
>>
>>Most of you who know me know that I am a long time federationist,
>>and am someone who has been blind since I was a toddler. Even so,
>>I'm afraid I still have not mastered the art of dealing with
>>condescending comments and behavior from my sighted colleagues in an
>>effective, graceful manner. I tend to have two modes. One is
>>passive, the other is aggressive. Each of these modes has a negative
>>impact, and neither is appropriate. I'm hoping I can get some good
>>suggestions here.
>>
>>The ironic thing about this as it relates to my coworkers is that I
>>work for a local civil rights agency. Some of those who are dishing
>>out this treatment are people who have likely experienced similar
>>treatment themselves, or have been commissioned to eradicate this
>>treatment.  Anyway, the list of instances is infinite and stretches
>>back to the onset of my blindness, but, in the interest of time,
>>I'll just give you the latest example.
>>
>>The office is having a holiday pitch-in on Friday and each staff
>>member was asked to sign up and bring a dish.  When I informed the
>>coordinator that I would be baking bread, she asked me "Oh, are you
>>sure you want to cook?" Duhhh? Now I would bet my life that no other
>>staff person who signed up to bring a dish (virtually all of us) was
>>asked this question. Even as I say it, it sounds a bit minor, but
>>these things add up and happen all the time.
>>
>>This same person is always volunteering to bring things to my desk
>>so that I don't have to come to her and pick them up or sign a card
>>for a staff member or whatever. She is always calling me
>>"honey/sweetie, and using a tone that one might use when talking
>>with a child. ." I have never heard her talk to another staff person
>>in this way. I talked to a group of high school students who came to
>>the office a few months ago about my job and what I do, and this
>>same person proceeded to tell me how very amazing I was. What? I'm
>>amazing because I can tell a group of kids what I do for a living?
>>
>>I have tried to talk to others about the treatment before and have
>>been told that people were just "trying to help," and that I was
>>making too much out of things. I have also had major melt downs over
>>these types of things before, and caused myself to be alienated.
>>
>>I don't want to be alienated. I want to have friends. I just want to
>>be viewed and treated as an equal, and not talked down to as if I
>>were a child or somehow less capable. It wouldn't be appropriate on
>>the basis of race, national origin or any other protected class, and
>>it isn't appropriate on the basis of blindness either.
>>
>>Anyway, how do the rest of you deal with things like this
>>effectively? Any feedback would really be appreciated.
>
>
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-- 
Kathleen A. Millhoff

Special Education,
Advocate,
Writer/Poet

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