[Blindtlk] Needing Feedback and Support

Mon Dec 13 15:38:50 UTC 2010

LOL...snoocums.  I thought I'd die laughing when I read that Dave.

I lost my sight a little over three years ago, and shortly after that sudden 
event, my dad was helping me get a haircut.  So I sat down in the chair and 
the lady asked, "OK dad, how does he want his haircut?"  My dad quickly 
replied, "You'd better aske him; he is the one wearing it."  I then 
proceeded to engage this lady in one of the most thought provoking 
conversations I can recall.  I am sure she was glad to get rid of me.  LOL.

But that, and other experiences made me realize that even though I am in my 
fifties and have enjoyed a very successful career in academic medicine, the 
bar had just been raised.  I, like others, went through a pretty rough 
grieving process, and I have come through that very dark time in my life.  I 
have come to realize that I will now fight the battles of social, 
intellectual, and other forms of acceptances on an individual basis, one 
person at a time, for the rest of my life.  And you can bet I go the extra 
mile, from cooking for my friends, to doing whatever I do at least as well 
if not better than  my friends and colleagues.

I realize that to many of you I am a neophyte in my blindness and may not 
have grounds to comment as readily as others who have gone through a 
lifetime of such interactions, but I am writing this as much for the 
cathartic need as anything else.

Incidentally, I now cut my own hair.

Michael
----- Original Message ----- 
From: "Graves, Diane" <dgraves at icrc.IN.gov>
To: "'Blind Talk Mailing List'" <blindtlk at nfbnet.org>
Sent: Monday, December 13, 2010 7:39 AM
Subject: Re: [Blindtlk] Needing Feedback and Support

> Hi Kat and Dave,
>
> Your posts made me smile. You are right of course. The best way to 
> demonstrate is by example. It just is so tiring having to constantly prove 
> oneself in places where others do not.
>
> I got a kick out of Kat's example. I had a similar situation not long ago. 
> I was on my way up to the front desk looking for another coworker, and the 
> janitor was in here emptying the trash. He spotted me and said "you're 
> going the wrong way." He thought that I was off course, because, usually, 
> at that time of the morning, I am on my way out to get coffee and a 
> fountain soda to get me through the day. (Weird combination, I know.) 
> Anyway, that day I was doing things a bit different, and he just assumed I 
> was "going the wrong way." When he said that I responded with a question. 
> "How do you know that?" You don't know where I'm going."
>
> He then asked, "you're going out aren't you?" I responded that I, in fact, 
> was not. Then, of course the coworkers who heard the interchange thought I 
> was being rude, because, after all, "he was just trying to be helpful."
>
>
>
> Diane Graves
> Civil Rights Specialist
> Indiana Civil Rights Commission
> Alternative Dispute Resolutions Unit
> 317-232-2647
>
> "It is service that measures success."
> George Washington Carver
>
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> -----Original Message-----
> From: blindtlk-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:blindtlk-bounces at nfbnet.org] On 
> Behalf Of Kathleen Millhoff
> Sent: Sunday, December 12, 2010 6:35 AM
> To: Blind Talk Mailing List
> Subject: Re: [Blindtlk] Needing Feedback and Support
>
> hi, i agree with dave: just proceed to bake/cook or otherwise concoct
> your specialties. meantime, start documenting those incidents at work.
> i think this constitutes an adverse working condition and you might
> have a grievance. it's a valid way to deal with that stuff that causes
> those melt-downs. I totally understand the reactions and have decided
> that it's best to put energy into something constructive. people might
> not think of grievances as constructive, but they're meant to be. your
> agency might have an arbritation team to work through these issues.
> but documentation is important in these cases. time, date, instance,
> and exact quotes.
> another way to look at this is that it's a power play on the part of
> your coworker. As long as she orchestrates behaviors such as bringing
> things to your desk, she's in control of the situation. You can get
> that preemptive action in by working with supervisors.
> These things come up a lot; even if a particular scene is minimal, it
> is one more straw on the camel's back.
> Others might suggest you reciprocate in kind. That is, when she
> determines to carry things for your supposed convenience, you can do
> the same. I haven't usually found this helpful, as it generally isn't
> understood or acknowledged. One time when something happened, and I
> followed the rule of reciprocity, it went like this:  I was walking
> across a school campus in my capacity as itinerant teacher. Someone
> stopped me asked, "where are you going?" I answered, "where are you
> going?" Silence and no further such questions. Another time, someone
> grabbed my arm and said, "do you know where you're going?" I answered,
> "do I know you?" Then, in his hearing, I said, "I have no idea who
> this person is or if he even belongs here."
> Anyway, we're all working through these things pretty much on a daily
> basis. Reactions and responses, as with all others, are usually
> determined by our feelings at the moment, the kind of day we're
> having, etc.
> Good luck, make some delicious bread, and have a great holiday,
> contemplating those who react as kindred humans and not overwrought
> overseers.
> best,
> kat
>
> On 12/12/10, David Andrews <dandrews at visi.com> wrote:
>> Just say yes, or "yes I cook every day."  The most powerful things we
>> do are through our actions -- so just go forth and bring in some
>> delicious bread.
>>
>> Dave
>>
>>
>>>Hello Federationists.
>>>
>>>First of all, let me apologize if I have posted this question here
>>>before. I have been on the list, and dealing with the same issue for
>>>a good number of years, and my memory is not what it used to be. So,
>>>I'm hoping I'm not being repetitious, but here we go.
>>>
>>>Most of you who know me know that I am a long time federationist,
>>>and am someone who has been blind since I was a toddler. Even so,
>>>I'm afraid I still have not mastered the art of dealing with
>>>condescending comments and behavior from my sighted colleagues in an
>>>effective, graceful manner. I tend to have two modes. One is
>>>passive, the other is aggressive. Each of these modes has a negative
>>>impact, and neither is appropriate. I'm hoping I can get some good
>>>suggestions here.
>>>
>>>The ironic thing about this as it relates to my coworkers is that I
>>>work for a local civil rights agency. Some of those who are dishing
>>>out this treatment are people who have likely experienced similar
>>>treatment themselves, or have been commissioned to eradicate this
>>>treatment.  Anyway, the list of instances is infinite and stretches
>>>back to the onset of my blindness, but, in the interest of time,
>>>I'll just give you the latest example.
>>>
>>>The office is having a holiday pitch-in on Friday and each staff
>>>member was asked to sign up and bring a dish.  When I informed the
>>>coordinator that I would be baking bread, she asked me "Oh, are you
>>>sure you want to cook?" Duhhh? Now I would bet my life that no other
>>>staff person who signed up to bring a dish (virtually all of us) was
>>>asked this question. Even as I say it, it sounds a bit minor, but
>>>these things add up and happen all the time.
>>>
>>>This same person is always volunteering to bring things to my desk
>>>so that I don't have to come to her and pick them up or sign a card
>>>for a staff member or whatever. She is always calling me
>>>"honey/sweetie, and using a tone that one might use when talking
>>>with a child. ." I have never heard her talk to another staff person
>>>in this way. I talked to a group of high school students who came to
>>>the office a few months ago about my job and what I do, and this
>>>same person proceeded to tell me how very amazing I was. What? I'm
>>>amazing because I can tell a group of kids what I do for a living?
>>>
>>>I have tried to talk to others about the treatment before and have
>>>been told that people were just "trying to help," and that I was
>>>making too much out of things. I have also had major melt downs over
>>>these types of things before, and caused myself to be alienated.
>>>
>>>I don't want to be alienated. I want to have friends. I just want to
>>>be viewed and treated as an equal, and not talked down to as if I
>>>were a child or somehow less capable. It wouldn't be appropriate on
>>>the basis of race, national origin or any other protected class, and
>>>it isn't appropriate on the basis of blindness either.
>>>
>>>Anyway, how do the rest of you deal with things like this
>>>effectively? Any feedback would really be appreciated.
>>
>>
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>
>
> -- 
> Kathleen A. Millhoff
>
> Special Education,
> Advocate,
> Writer/Poet
>
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