[Blindtlk] Inferiority complex with disability vs nondisabled society

[Peter Wolfe]

-- 
Peter
Webmaster
http://www.darkstruggle.com
webmaster at darkstruggle.com
alternative e-mail
sunspot005 at gmail.com

To Blind Talk:


   It's me Peter here and I would like to know what other blind people
out there think of this topic. I suffer from a inferiority complex
ever since I was a young child before knowing of my dormant vision
heredetary disease. It's like you know you might be good and you might
have heard it from others but you feel abandoned by those same people.
I always look at other people like what they must have had that I
didn't have as a child living in abdject poverty as a child. Then, I
point out intellectual minor flaws cause of a broken family,
uneducated parents, U.S overall poor educational standards and
differences from area to area, learning environments, and no real
positive role modles like having family members that have gone to
college. So, now I'm in college and am getting to a point of
quitlistening to people cause they can't understand.
    Secondly, I measure myself through a overall scope like I am and
who I could have been if I were sighted like the rest of overall
society. When I was a child, I wanted to be a astronomer, computer
scientists, mathmatitian, psysist and such. Now, I look at all of the
wasted years like twenty-four years of only having a two year minor
associates degree and having changed my major three times at a major
four year university and pressure of picking that special major. I
want to have upward mobility with security without too much strings
attached and so much stress to pick. I often think of how to compete
with other undisabled furuter applicants or my degree becomes out of
date cause of stalls or something and am loke I screwed up. I wasted
government money, family money, time, energy and etc that could have
been spent on something better than little old me.
    Thirdly, I blame myself for things beyond my control. Public
transportation, screen reader issues, paperwork, independence issues,
communication barriers in participation, entertainment fun and etc. If
I could only see to understand what others are doing I could be on the
same par of them. The same playng field cause I have had vision I miss
it even more. Does this make sense to anyone else on the list? The
thing is that I don't like is that nobody usually does at all cause
they sadly think I'm making excuses to drop out or change my major a
million times.
    Fourthly, I look at the outcomes too much like the quarter of
gainfully employed blind people in the U.S. The often times
incompetent government workers from multiple sectors, inadaquate
research availible, unaccessible government resources, unwillingness
for overall society to change for universal accessability and etc is
appalling and hard for me. I want to change life but I can't even
adapt to this disappointment. Imagine going from practising driving
and going legally blind in the span of a few months. Couple that with
deep family problems and a incompetent government and you get me. Now,
I am becoming religious in a catholic sort of way cause it's my life.
    Fifthly, I try out new things to constantly disappointment myself.
The old times is what I say like the majority of us formerly sighted
people think. The psychologists and others can't understand the
frustratiosn wheling up inside of me. The sin of anger, and envy and
blasophemy at times occurs cause I wish that I wasn't who I am right
now. Overall society is being burdened by my tremendous weight and all
I can do is lash out in anger. The fear of the unknown like most is
strong but even stronger with us blind people and especially someone
of my variety. Adapting a whole new prospective like playing real
visual games like Mortal Combat or Final Fantasy and none of this beep
bs you know? These visually impaired games are far too simplistic and
I hate to complain it's hard to measure up. Nothing is the same as it
once was anymore.
    Sixthly, the feeling of alienation and osterizing myself in
overall society cause of the ultimate question for us blind people
when it comes to terms of help. Are they helping us because we are
human or our disability? This is a questions you often don't want to
ask cause you don't want to be rude but I'm putting on the table.
People often times forget that you can't see and you constantly must
educate over and over like over again about your vision. In my former
house, family members would leave chairs, clothes and crap where I
constantly ran into it even though they knew that I am blind. Another
thing the books on tape and othr arciac means should been gotten
transfered years ago and it makes you wonder about advocacy on our
ends here. The accessability of our currency should have happened
decades and anything for us takes forever. It makes me depressed
because the prospects of things in a sitable measurable way to the way
it was is like a pipe dream or somehting. Where independence, freedom,
respect and etc as a normal american is too far for me to reach
anymore. The sense of powerless gets strong man.
     Seventh, the adaptation too religion has been tough as well like
the customs, traditions, respcts, manners and roles of being a
christian can be tough. The habits are hard to overcome especially not
being born into a religion can be tough. You naturally revert at times
of confusion or of low self-esteem to your natural state. Mine is
depression, anxiety, hate, envy, and all of that nice stuff.
     Eightly, the amount of time for things like preperation has been
hard to deal with for these years of blindness like setting up public
transportation, waiting for a taxi or friends, mobility traning or
orientation, sighted assistance on appointments (e.g. computers) and
other things is tough. The amount of shear energy you guys have to
master like me is astounding and is a blessing/curse of being blind
cause we have a built up endurance but short in gas you know? Well, I
just worry all of the time about things I can't change. For example, I
often times feel like I could have been better off being born in
another country like in Europe, Canada, Australia or Britain or some
place like that where disabilities could have more of a progressive
aim to it. Other times I would like to move there were diversity is a
mainstay and the thoughts lurk in my mind like you can't do it or it's
visual.
    Finally, thanks for any ideas on defeating this issue. It's gotten
bad so much in the past where I performed self-infliction and
attempted suicide. I've been put on medicine but it's pointless too
and counsuling is dumb. The anger management therapy and the private
counsuling without having a person like one in a million it's
worthless to me. It's like being in a cage when other people poke fun
at your suffering or something and no similar animals like you around.
People the ones that become successful ostercize themselves and have a
superiority arrogance complex cause at one time they had somebody help
them so why not try to help your fellow man? What happened to Love Thy
Neighbor? Seriously cause people think of generalizations of us like
lazy, welfare recipent, handicapped, poor, uneducated and etc. We are
a nation or people rather that doesn't motivate those that don't llook
the build of education but that in itself is misleading of the
american population. Anybody can have an education just need time and
energy and motivation but I lack in these areas myself right now. I
especially like multiple backgrounds from young to the old about this
issue and I know that I am not the only one that is out there. I'm not
sorry for the length either cause these words have been in me too long
and if I held them any longer I will burst. Thank be to God and any
prayers you may have about this issue with any advice as well. By the
way, sometimes I revert to a class structuralist prospect on
economics, background, life experiences, and not necessarily a victim
mentality just understanding more than anything is what I need. A
person that has walked the streets is prefered.


sincerely,
Peter