[Blindtlk] To Cane or Not To Cane?

Mon Feb 28 15:46:10 UTC 2011

Hello Jessica. In your note you ask whether you have to sacrifice your
independence for your boyfriend. I think the answer to that is clearly no.
If it feels to you like you're sacrificing that independence to satisfy
someone else, keep using your cane and refuse to hold on to the arm you love
but do not need. If you come to feel differently about it and can integrate
what other people are telling you about holding your boyfriend's arm and
using your cane at the same time, by all means give that a whirl.

I have to admit that your message raises some red flags for me. As a state
president in the Federation, I have to tell you that I find some women in
poor relationships that seem to be based on "you, being a blind woman, give
me a wonderful opportunity to feel like a real man! If you are dependent on
me for going where you need to go, I have a great deal of say over your
life." In the extreme, I hear these people calling one another mommy and
daddy, and the dependence that you talk about is very very real for them.
Some blind people eventually reject this dependence and cost themselves a
spouse. Some fall into the trap, become dependent, their spouse tires of the
continual need to lead them around and comes to find it more of a burden
than a thrill, moves on, and the blind person has to figure out independence
all over again. Don't go there. Make sure you understand what your
boyfriend's real motivation is. It may be that he is a straight up good guy
who wants you to be independent, and I presume this is so, but if he is
looking for somebody he can quite literally lead around, beware, for more
than your blindness independence is at stake.

One other caution if you will indulge me. You say that you will get a house
where public transportation is available. Many people say this. Some of them
actually do it. What too often happens, however, is that they start looking
at house prices or find something they just fall in love with, and
boom--they sacrifice independent mobility with the assurance that their
spouse won't mind taking them where they need to go. Maybe it is that they
say they are buying a starter house  and will soon move, or maybe it is that
their husband already owns a house and they will live there until it becomes
economically more practical to move where they can get around by themselves.
Don't get in this situation. Hold out for being able to travel. Hold out for
being able to get to places you need to go economically. Don't become a
prisoner in your own house, and don't put your boyfriend and soon-to-be
husband in the bind of having to take you everywhere. It happens far too
frequently and it has real consequences.

I was once married to a sighted woman and subscribed to the idea that when I
was with someone with vision there was no need for me to bring along a cane.
One day while we were walking she told me that she thought I was quite
inconsiderate. I wondered what it was I had done that had provoked her
anger. She said something like: "you know, we go out on these walks and you
expect me to watch out for you, which doesn't bother me very much, but it
occurred to me the other day that if I had a heart attack or sprained my
ankle or did something that would keep me from going to get help, you've
placed yourself in a position where you won't be able to help me. For
somebody who talks a lot about being independent and showing consideration
for others, I don't think you're showing much consideration or
independence." That made me angry, but it was one of those angry feelings
that you have when you know that probably the person who has just made you
angry has made some good points. I never again went without a cane. I think
going without a cane would feel as awkward to me as going without pants.
Some people will patronizingly refer to it as "your badge of independence,"
and I'm not sure I feel that way about it, but I do feel that it's part of
my responsibility as a fully functional human being to take responsibility
for myself, and, to be able to help others if I need to do it.

Having said all of this, I have to say that I often use sighted guide when
I'm traveling with someone, although sighted guide really is the wrong term
because I do it whether the person is blind or sighted. I also continue to
use my cane. If I'm walking through a crowd, I don't want our conversation
to be interrupted by people cutting between us. It is sometimes difficult to
stay with another person, and holding their arm or having them hold yours is
a great way to make sure you are both going the same direction and not
having to worry about whether your speed is coordinated and other such
things. When I hold onto someone's arm, it is not that they are going to
tell me where to go in most cases and it never is that I want them to
protect me against something that my cane is capable of detecting. It is
just that this is a very convenient way to stay with the person with whom
I'm conversing, and it doesn't mean giving up 1 ounce of my independence.

I hope some of this is helpful.

Gary

-----Original Message-----
From: blindtlk-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:blindtlk-bounces at nfbnet.org] On
Behalf Of Jessica Kostiw
Sent: Sunday, February 27, 2011 3:41 PM
To: 'Blind Talk Mailing List'; 'Pamela Allen'
Subject: [Blindtlk] To Cane or Not To Cane?

Hello List,
	This is Jessica Kostiw.  I have been on this list for quite a while,
but do not post very often.  I am hoping to get some good advice on an issue
that I am sure we have all faced.

I am a Louisiana Center for the Blind graduate, and well appreciate the
important of the travel skills I acquired there.  
If you are like me though, the significant majority of your time is spent
with other sighted people.  My longtime boyfriend Jon is sighted.  He has
actually purchased a cane from the NFB and wants to go under sleep shades to
see what it is like.  The thing is on the one hand he is very supportive,
but more and more when we are together in a store or something would very
much rather that I just take his hand.  He says it's quicker and makes more
sense, but I want to be able to be independent.  I don't see why he can't
just walk by me and give me directions or something.  When we do that
though, he says he feels like he is just calling a dog.  He may as well ring
a cowbell.  He can't keep up chatter all the time and becomes harder for me
to follow.  People give dirty looks like "why isn't that guy helping that
blind lady?"  Part of me understands what he is saying, I have heard the
same arguments from my mom.  My sister is so impatient and always just
insists that I take her elbow.  I live in Virginia.  There is no public
transportation where I live, and I am concerned that always being around
sighted people with this attitude will eventually cause me to lose my
skills.  This Email is focusing on the situation with Jon only because I am
concerned about our future.  We are definitely working towards marriage and
children and all that and I don't want to feel like I am completely
dependent on my husband and can't equally contribute when we take any future
children out in public.  We have already agreed that we will live in an area
with good public transportation so I won't feel dependent and can do things
on my own, but again what about when we are together?   Do I have to
sacrifice my independence to make it easier on him?  

Any incite would be greatly appreciated!!
Jessica
-----Original Message-----
From: blindtlk-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:blindtlk-bounces at nfbnet.org] On
Behalf Of Chris Judd
Sent: Thursday, February 10, 2011 2:31 AM
To: Blind Talk Mailing List
Subject: Re: [Blindtlk] [PM] Facebook with jaws

I tried accessing the facebook lite site, and it worked.
http://lite.facebook.com
----- Original Message -----
From: "Bonnie Lucas" <lucas.bonnie at gmail.com>
To: "'Blind Talk Mailing List'" <blindtlk at nfbnet.org>
Sent: Thursday, February 10, 2011 12:47 AM
Subject: Re: [Blindtlk] [PM] Facebook with jaws

Not sure what has happened but we discovered the same thing today as well.
Perhaps it is something that will be fixed soon. My daughter and I tried
everything to get it to let us click on things but it would not. Not sure
what's up!
Bonnie

-----Original Message-----
From: blindtlk-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:blindtlk-bounces at nfbnet.org] On
Behalf Of humberto
Sent: Wednesday, February 09, 2011 7:35 PM
To: gui-talk at nfbnet.org; nfbcs at nfbnet.org
Cc: blindTlk at nfbnet.org
Subject: [Blindtlk] [PM] Facebook with jaws

---- Original Message ------
From: Michelle Abadia <michelle.abadia at verizon.net
Subject: [PM] Facebook with jaws
Date sent: Wed, 09 Feb 2011 06:40:45 -0500

Hi.

I apologize for the unrelated topic.
I've been using Facebook successfully on my windows 7 laptop,
using (www.m.facebook.com), which I think our litt moderator
suggested because (www.facebook.com) wasn't very accessible with
jaws.
This morning, I come to find that now, m.facebook.com isn't
accessible either! Everything is preceeded by "same page link",
and when I click on something or try to write a message, the
system won't let me. This happened overnight, because I was able
to work on Facebook just 24 hours ago.

Could someone please give me some assistance with this off list
at
Michelle.abadia at verizon.net
?

Thanks so much in advance.

Michelle Abadia
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