[Blindtlk] Tips In Dealing With Family Members

Mon Dec 30 19:40:40 UTC 2013

And I think you are right, Jim, about needing to pick your battles, which 
ones to fight and when to fight them.  For example, I took my parents to a 
Chinese restaurant yesterday as a kind of post Christmas gift.  I used 
sighted guide with them in the restaurant, it was crowded, bbut I did it out 
of choice, not because I couldn't use a cane in the restaurant.  Plus, 
yesterday I was more interested in spending quality, loving time with my 
parents, not proving myself in front of them.

Mark Tardif
Nuclear arms will not hold you.
-----Original Message----- 
From: Jim Portillo
Sent: Monday, December 30, 2013 12:39 AM
To: 'Blind Talk Mailing List'
Subject: Re: [Blindtlk] Tips In Dealing With Family Members

Hi there,

I have to say that sometimes, one also has to pick his battles when it comes
to family.  For instance, when I go visit, I no longer try and prove myself
to them.  I've been away too long.
I focus more on spending quality time with them.

Mike and Mark are right in that you're always going to have a family member
or more who sometimes don't get something.

I'm also curious what you mean by wanting empathy.  There's a difference
between sympathy and empathy.  Empathy regarding blindness stuff?

Jim

-----Original Message-----
From: blindtlk [mailto:blindtlk-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Mike
Freeman
Sent: Saturday, December 28, 2013 4:52 PM
To: 'Blind Talk Mailing List'
Subject: Re: [Blindtlk] Tips In Dealing With Family Members

Nicholas:

In addition to what Mark says below, I have two observations:

First, *every* person (blind or sighted) has a family that "doesn't get it"
about something in their lives. It might be child-rearing practices; it
might be who should visit whom how often; it might be how one celebrates the
holidays ... You get the idea. The only reason blindness might be different
is that it's one possible item of friction that most of society doesn't have
to deal with.

All of which is to say that we may not be able to give you advice you feel
is realistic in your situation. All you can do is cast your bread upon the
waters and see what you reel in. I suspect you'll get more opinions and
advice than you bargained for. In case you do not, however, don't feel too
discouraged: I know on some other lists people ask technical questions and
when they don't get immediate answers, they panic and either ask again or
ask why they haven't gotten an answer. The problem usually is as simple as
that list denizens don't *know* the answer and so don't say anything on the
theory that if one is ignorant, it's better to say nothing than to waste
bandwidth or publicly display one's ignorance. (grin)

Second, you say when you want empathy, you don't get it. Aside from the sort
of situations in which everyone wants empathy -- having a bad day, for
example -- when and why do you want or need empathy? If you're going to
project an impression of competence and confidence, asking for a shoulder to
cry on undermines your efforts, in my opinion.

One final thought: have you actually sat down individually or collectively
with the family members who don't "get it" and ask them what's going on?
Have you made it clear to them that you have an MBA, hold a job and,
presumably, are therefore a contributing member of society with the same
rights and privileges as everyone else? Have you made it clear (and this may
be painful for you) that either you be allowed to make your own mistakes
(or, alternatively, that you're just going to do so no matter what they say)
or they aren't worthy of your attention? If this sounds harsh, filial piety
is greatly over-rated in my view.

Just some ramblings which, like everything else on these lists, you can take
or leave.

Happy New Year!

Mike Freeman

-----Original Message-----
From: blindtlk [mailto:blindtlk-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Mark Tardif
Sent: Saturday, December 28, 2013 4:16 PM
To: Blind Talk Mailing List
Subject: Re: [Blindtlk] Tips In Dealing With Family Members

Hi, Nicholas.

I am not sure what you mean by saying you go back to your family for "normal
stuff."  Please correct me if I'm wrong, and it certainly wouldn't be the
first time, but when you say that, it almost makes me wonder if you yourself
have doubts about your own abilities as a blind person.  Again, I may be
woefully off the mark here, so please feel free to let me know that.  But if
this is the case, it may make it that much harder for you to convince your
family that you are a perfectly functioning person who has good blindness
skills.  In certain areas, when I was a teenager, I literally had to prove
my mobility skills to my parents and in some instances had to bug them so
much that they finally let me have my way.  It's hard to do that, and I love
my parents dearly, but sometimes that kind of confrontation cannot be
avoided.  In some instances, I would just do what I wanted, pretty much
regardless of whether they thought I could or not, and I suppose I had the
advantage of living far away from my family for many years.  But even now
when I am with my parents, I insist on using my cane, for example.  I think
we have reached an understanding that I am independent, but at the same time
that doesn't mean I won't ask them for help from time to time.  Even though
we live in what is normally a very snowy area this winter, for example, I
walk pretty much whenever I want to do so, for example, and all my parents
say are things like, "Okay, but watch out for the ice," and that's fine, but
they know that they shouldn't try to overprotect or restrict me, because I
simply won't let them.  I will let them know gently, but I will do it.  It's
a hard battle, and I am sure you will find much supportive feedback on this
list.

Mark Tardif
Nuclear arms will not hold you.
-----Original Message-----
From: Nicholas
Sent: Saturday, December 28, 2013 6:19 PM
To: il-talk at nfbnet.org ; blindtlk at nfbnet.org
Subject: [Blindtlk] Tips In Dealing With Family Members

Hi,

I know I post when I need advice, and I need to try to share experiences,
but do any of you have tips on dealing with family members who don't get it?

By it I mean blindness and the fact that we are humans who deserve
independence like anyone else.  Both sides of my family seem to think that
my independence means that my love for them has decreased because I don't
let them dictate my life anymore.  Training and the NFB has shown me that
the blind can serve as equal when given an opportunity.  I have changed but
they have not.  I'm not sure they ever will.  I don't want to cut all ties
with them, but feel liberated when I am not around them and sucked down when
I am.  However, I keep going back to them for advice and "normal" stuff.
However, when I seek empathy I don't get it.  I willingly take your help,
and won't respond until I cool down.  I am known to allow my feelings to get
the best of me.  Thanks for your help.  I plan to thank those who respond in
a couple of days.

Nicholas S. Robertson, MBA
Phone: 641.660.2475
Email: robertson.nicholas at hotmail.com
            nicholas.robertson2 at va.gov

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No virus found in this message.
Checked by AVG - www.avg.com
Version: 2013.0.3462 / Virus Database: 3658/6959 - Release Date: 12/29/13 