[Blindtlk] Tips In Dealing With Family Members

Tue Dec 31 00:41:23 UTC 2013

Hello all-I thank you kindly for your responses.  I've since found out some things regarding southern Iowa.  So the following is the short version with disturbing details left out; There are friends and family members (in small towns we all know everybody) whom continue to feel abandoned (by God and other things).  Siblings of such people have left, of those, I know about, two people are sighted and the other is blind.  She was treated similar to myself.  These people grew weary of the closed minded bigotry that they were experiencing so they've left and   rarely return.  If they do it is usually for extraordinary circumstances.  Some even have specified that their families not know that they've returned for whatever reason.  Those people who remain are very passionate about their way of life and consider their residency a privilege.  My family fits this mold.  

So, those who have specified that its not a blindness thing, your right.  However, that is what I was experiencing.  That being said, I used the word empathy as an umbrella term for putting yourself in someone else's shoes.  I've met several sighted people who do this very well.  Some even ask questions to further their misunderstandings toward the subject.  I may be using this term incorrectly.  I also may have been thinking too narrow (i.e. making things a blindness thing when they were not).  

This has been some overwhelming information to take in.  Not from this list, but the happenings regarding a place I felt very good about  and people I thought I could trust.  It is the trust part that will take some time to repair.  This both trusting myself and others.  In mulling this over and reading my Bible I think it is best for me to take a break from a place and people that have put me in some compromising positions.  I wouldn't be the first person from "home" to feel this way.  As previously stated, some only return for extraordinary circumstances.  I've decided to let them have their way of life.  However, at this point in mine I'm choosing not to be a part of things that I don't agree with.

I thank you all for your advice and support.  I hope your holiday season continues to be blessed.  

Nicholas S. Robertson, MBA
Phone: 641.660.2475
Email: robertson.nicholas at hotmail.com
            nicholas.robertson2 at va.gov

> From: markspark at roadrunner.com
> To: blindtlk at nfbnet.org
> Date: Mon, 30 Dec 2013 14:40:40 -0500
> Subject: Re: [Blindtlk] Tips In Dealing With Family Members
> 
> And I think you are right, Jim, about needing to pick your battles, which 
> ones to fight and when to fight them.  For example, I took my parents to a 
> Chinese restaurant yesterday as a kind of post Christmas gift.  I used 
> sighted guide with them in the restaurant, it was crowded, bbut I did it out 
> of choice, not because I couldn't use a cane in the restaurant.  Plus, 
> yesterday I was more interested in spending quality, loving time with my 
> parents, not proving myself in front of them.
> 
> Mark Tardif
> Nuclear arms will not hold you.
> -----Original Message----- 
> From: Jim Portillo
> Sent: Monday, December 30, 2013 12:39 AM
> To: 'Blind Talk Mailing List'
> Subject: Re: [Blindtlk] Tips In Dealing With Family Members
> 
> Hi there,
> 
> I have to say that sometimes, one also has to pick his battles when it comes
> to family.  For instance, when I go visit, I no longer try and prove myself
> to them.  I've been away too long.
> I focus more on spending quality time with them.
> 
> Mike and Mark are right in that you're always going to have a family member
> or more who sometimes don't get something.
> 
> I'm also curious what you mean by wanting empathy.  There's a difference
> between sympathy and empathy.  Empathy regarding blindness stuff?
> 
> Jim
> 
> 
> -----Original Message-----
> From: blindtlk [mailto:blindtlk-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Mike
> Freeman
> Sent: Saturday, December 28, 2013 4:52 PM
> To: 'Blind Talk Mailing List'
> Subject: Re: [Blindtlk] Tips In Dealing With Family Members
> 
> Nicholas:
> 
> In addition to what Mark says below, I have two observations:
> 
> First, *every* person (blind or sighted) has a family that "doesn't get it"
> about something in their lives. It might be child-rearing practices; it
> might be who should visit whom how often; it might be how one celebrates the
> holidays ... You get the idea. The only reason blindness might be different
> is that it's one possible item of friction that most of society doesn't have
> to deal with.
> 
> All of which is to say that we may not be able to give you advice you feel
> is realistic in your situation. All you can do is cast your bread upon the
> waters and see what you reel in. I suspect you'll get more opinions and
> advice than you bargained for. In case you do not, however, don't feel too
> discouraged: I know on some other lists people ask technical questions and
> when they don't get immediate answers, they panic and either ask again or
> ask why they haven't gotten an answer. The problem usually is as simple as
> that list denizens don't *know* the answer and so don't say anything on the
> theory that if one is ignorant, it's better to say nothing than to waste
> bandwidth or publicly display one's ignorance. (grin)
> 
> Second, you say when you want empathy, you don't get it. Aside from the sort
> of situations in which everyone wants empathy -- having a bad day, for
> example -- when and why do you want or need empathy? If you're going to
> project an impression of competence and confidence, asking for a shoulder to
> cry on undermines your efforts, in my opinion.
> 
> One final thought: have you actually sat down individually or collectively
> with the family members who don't "get it" and ask them what's going on?
> Have you made it clear to them that you have an MBA, hold a job and,
> presumably, are therefore a contributing member of society with the same
> rights and privileges as everyone else? Have you made it clear (and this may
> be painful for you) that either you be allowed to make your own mistakes
> (or, alternatively, that you're just going to do so no matter what they say)
> or they aren't worthy of your attention? If this sounds harsh, filial piety
> is greatly over-rated in my view.
> 
> Just some ramblings which, like everything else on these lists, you can take
> or leave.
> 
> Happy New Year!
> 
> Mike Freeman
> 
> 
> -----Original Message-----
> From: blindtlk [mailto:blindtlk-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Mark Tardif
> Sent: Saturday, December 28, 2013 4:16 PM
> To: Blind Talk Mailing List
> Subject: Re: [Blindtlk] Tips In Dealing With Family Members
> 
> Hi, Nicholas.
> 
> I am not sure what you mean by saying you go back to your family for "normal
> stuff."  Please correct me if I'm wrong, and it certainly wouldn't be the
> first time, but when you say that, it almost makes me wonder if you yourself
> have doubts about your own abilities as a blind person.  Again, I may be
> woefully off the mark here, so please feel free to let me know that.  But if
> this is the case, it may make it that much harder for you to convince your
> family that you are a perfectly functioning person who has good blindness
> skills.  In certain areas, when I was a teenager, I literally had to prove
> my mobility skills to my parents and in some instances had to bug them so
> much that they finally let me have my way.  It's hard to do that, and I love
> my parents dearly, but sometimes that kind of confrontation cannot be
> avoided.  In some instances, I would just do what I wanted, pretty much
> regardless of whether they thought I could or not, and I suppose I had the
> advantage of living far away from my family for many years.  But even now
> when I am with my parents, I insist on using my cane, for example.  I think
> we have reached an understanding that I am independent, but at the same time
> that doesn't mean I won't ask them for help from time to time.  Even though
> we live in what is normally a very snowy area this winter, for example, I
> walk pretty much whenever I want to do so, for example, and all my parents
> say are things like, "Okay, but watch out for the ice," and that's fine, but
> they know that they shouldn't try to overprotect or restrict me, because I
> simply won't let them.  I will let them know gently, but I will do it.  It's
> a hard battle, and I am sure you will find much supportive feedback on this
> list.
> 
> Mark Tardif
> Nuclear arms will not hold you.
> -----Original Message-----
> From: Nicholas
> Sent: Saturday, December 28, 2013 6:19 PM
> To: il-talk at nfbnet.org ; blindtlk at nfbnet.org
> Subject: [Blindtlk] Tips In Dealing With Family Members
> 
> Hi,
> 
> I know I post when I need advice, and I need to try to share experiences,
> but do any of you have tips on dealing with family members who don't get it?
> 
> By it I mean blindness and the fact that we are humans who deserve
> independence like anyone else.  Both sides of my family seem to think that
> my independence means that my love for them has decreased because I don't
> let them dictate my life anymore.  Training and the NFB has shown me that
> the blind can serve as equal when given an opportunity.  I have changed but
> they have not.  I'm not sure they ever will.  I don't want to cut all ties
> with them, but feel liberated when I am not around them and sucked down when
> I am.  However, I keep going back to them for advice and "normal" stuff.
> However, when I seek empathy I don't get it.  I willingly take your help,
> and won't respond until I cool down.  I am known to allow my feelings to get
> the best of me.  Thanks for your help.  I plan to thank those who respond in
> a couple of days.
> 
> Nicholas S. Robertson, MBA
> Phone: 641.660.2475
> Email: robertson.nicholas at hotmail.com
>             nicholas.robertson2 at va.gov
> 
> 
> 
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