[Blindtlk] Blindness and Singleness

Sat Sep 7 22:05:44 UTC 2013

Hi Jason and all,

I am a 28-year-old blind woman and can totally remember the kinds of
experiences you are describing. I never had any kind of romantic
relationship until I was 21 and my first few were with blind guys. I
too often felt that sighted men only thought of me as a little sister
and failed to see me as a potential partner. However, I did eventually
fall in love with someone and just married him last weekend (his name
is Jason actually). Having now been on both sides of the struggle I
have a few practical suggestions and insights I hope you find helpful.

First, I don't know you personally but I am almost certain that there
is nothing wrong with you. I think it is very hard for many people to
find partners they like and who simultaneously feel the same way about
them. After all, there are a ton of online dating sites and so
obviously lots of people are looking and not finding dates in their
local communities. I think this is a problem  for sighted people too.
However, I do think it can be more difficult for blind people because
of all the prejudices and stereotypes that exist in our society about
blindness. Also, I have been told that the process of hooking up,
between sighted people, can often rely on visual cues especially for
folks in their early 20's. Also, people often tend to find dates at
bars and other places that may just not appeal to you. I think it can
be especially difficult for mature, intelligent youth to get into the
dating pool regardless of blindness.

My first piece of advice is to try to become friends with women you
meet in classes, work, church, or other places where you have
something in common. If you become her friend first, she will get to
know you as a whole person and might eventually become interested in
you. My husband, who is sighted, was initially my office-mate in grad
school and we were just casual friends for a while before dating. He
eventually spent enough time with me outside of dating that he was
able to see how I do things and that my blindness wasn't a big deal.
Second, it might be nice to try to meet some blind women. I am glad
that I started dating with blind men because I was able to learn a lot
about dating and relationships without all the extra tension that
comes with trying to give the right visual cues and wondering what the
sighted partner is thinking. Although the relationships I had with
blind guys ultimately didn't last for reasons unrelated to blindness,
I was glad to have had those experiences because they taught me a lot
about what kind of girlfriend I was and how I could be a better one,
as well as about the kind of partner I was looking for. I'm not saying
only consider blind women, but you might find you have more initial
success finding blind women who return your affections. This can be a
huge confidence builder if nothing else.

Finally, though I don't have much experience with online dating, you
might find it easier to manage than trying to meet someone in person.
With online dating you can choose not to disclose  your blindness at
all until you have gotten to know someone. And in online dating
circles, you know that everyone you are chatting with is looking for
the same thing.

Best,
Arielle

On 9/7/13, Gloria Whipple <glowhi at centurylink.net> wrote:
> Hi Ray,
>
> Well said!
>
> I also agree with Mike.
>
> Thank you,
>
> Gloria Whipple
>
> -----Original Message-----
> From: blindtlk [mailto:blindtlk-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Ray Foret
> jr
> Sent: Saturday, September 07, 2013 14:25
> To: Blind Talk Mailing List
> Subject: Re: [Blindtlk] Blindness and Singleness
>
> I'm with Mike all the way on this one.  Frankly, I think that part of the
> problem may well be that you haven't fully accepted yourself as a blind
> person.  Where do I get off saying that?  Well, Just make an honest and
> careful examination of your own message.  Count up the times you think that
> your blindness is the problem and then count up the times you speak of
> giving up.  I'm not going to tell you what you will find;  just do it and,
> prepair to be somewhat shocked and perhaps dismaid at the result.  But, now
> comes the more interesting aspect of this question.  What are you going to
> do with the raw data you get out of this examination?  Are you going to let
> it control you:  or, are you going to take control of it?
>
>
> Sent from my mac, the only computer with full accessibility for the blind
> built-in!
> Sincerely,
> The Constantly Barefooted Ray
> Still a very proud and happy Mac and Iphone user!
>
> On Sep 7, 2013, at 3:43 PM, "Mike Freeman" <k7uij at panix.com> wrote:
>
>> You're giving up too soon.
>>
>> Mike
>>
>>
>> -----Original Message-----
>> From: blindtlk [mailto:blindtlk-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Jason
>> Terryn
>> Sent: Saturday, September 07, 2013 1:22 PM
>> To: blindtlk at nfbnet.org
>> Subject: [Blindtlk] Blindness and Singleness
>>
>> Hello everyone,
>>
>> I am desperately in need of some advice. I am a totally blind Christian
> man
>> in my early twenties and I am single. It's been my experience that it's
>> extremely difficult for me to get dates. The few girls who do go out with
>> me never turn out to be serious about me. After several years of being
>> summarily rejected time without number and spending countless exhausting
>> hours overthinking my approach, I'm beginning to wonder if it is actually
>> something I'm doing (should I change my approach) or if its just a fact
>> of
>> being blind and I need to accept it gracefully.
>>
>> Has anyone else had this experience. I'm honestly unsure if I'm being
>> rejected because I am blind, or because there is something undesirable
>> about me. Could it be that blindness isa dealbreaker for most girls?
>>
>> I feel like, despite my blindness I have a lot to offer. I am steady,
>> reliable, I have a job, I am tall and physically fit, I have a lot of
>> different skills and interests. On the whole, I feel that I'm a fairly
>> well-rounded individual and reasonably well-intergrated in society. Also
>> it's not like I'm trying to get the most beautiful or desirable girls out
>> there. I just want ONE nice, pleasant girl who will like and accept me
> that
>> I can spend time with, and ultimately someone to marry. I don't feel like
>> thats asking too much.
>>
>> so if it is my blindness that is scaring girls off is there anything at
> all
>> that I could do to offset this reaction? Could it be that I'm not
>> presenting myself as confident enough or that they have some false
>> stereotypes in their mind that I need to overcome? Am I just giving up
>> too
>> soon or is this really an almost hopeless situation?
>>
>> This has all been extremely frustrating to me. Any advice would be
>> greatly
>> appreciated.
>>
>> Thanks!
>>
>> Jason
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