[Blindtlk] Being Disrespected: How to Handle

Sun Sep 28 14:58:13 UTC 2014

Maybe she needs to know she is still loved and needed, but not in the same 
ways, as you are married and on your own.  She may need the reassurance of 
your love, and if you feel comfortable with it, give her some puttering room 
with set boundaries.

Judy

-----Original Message----- 
From: Brandon A. Olivares via blindtlk
Sent: Sunday, September 28, 2014 7:21 AM
To: Cindy Ray
Cc: Blind Talk Mailing List
Subject: Re: [Blindtlk] Being Disrespected: How to Handle

Cindy,

Yes she was quite over-protective. I was an only child, and blind to boot, 
so you can imagine. I feel like part of it is that now that I’m out of the 
house and she doesn’t have someone to care for, she doesn’t feel useful. She 
wants to feel like I need her, so she ignores my protests.

We both don’t want to have to resort to preventing her from visiting, but we 
need some breathing room, too. We thought moving 250 miles away would help, 
but apparently not, lol.

On Sep 28, 2014, at 9:03 AM, Cindy Ray <cindyray at gmail.com> wrote:

> I agree that part of this is a mother-in-law problem. I have experienced 
> it in the past. However, I think it is definitely a blindness problem as 
> well. Brandon, was your mother especially attentive when you were at 
> home. It fascinates me when parents do this.
>
> I am afraid that even if I was my mamma’s baby, I would have to tell her 
> without rancor that, while I love her, I am not willing to have her do 
> these things, thus hurting me and demoralizing my wife. I think I would 
> tell her I want to be ale to trust that she will treat me like the adult I 
> am, but if he cannot do this, saying she’ll do things or not do things 
> that she has no intention of following through on, I would tell her that 
> in the future she will not be welcome in my home if she continues to treat 
> us that way. I just think it needs to be nipped in the bud. Of course all 
> this takes courage, and it would be sort of hard to do it. Otherwise, the 
> advice to let her do something like reorganize the table but make her say 
> where she put each thing. And if you are picking battles, heck, let her 
> vacuum. But for me, people think that as blind people we don’t know if the 
> house is messy, and trust me, it doesn’t sound as if yours is.
>
> As for the term “sighty”, I rather hate that term. I think it is sort of 
> disrespectful of sighted folks, but others I know do not share my view.
>
> Cindy
>
> On Sep 28, 2014, at 7:16 AM, Brandon A. Olivares via blindtlk 
> <blindtlk at nfbnet.org> wrote:
>
>> Hello,
>>
>> My wife and I are just looking for a bit of advice on how to handle a 
>> difficult situation.
>>
>> We’re both in our mid-twenties. We live on our own in her own home town, 
>> about 250 miles from my own family. By all accounts, we keep a nice 
>> house. It’s not perfect, but it’s clean enough, as confirmed also by 
>> several of her family and friends.
>>
>> But still, every. single. time my mother comes up to visit, she finds 
>> something to complain about. The worst thing is that I think she believes 
>> she is doing it out of love, but on our end it feels like she is being 
>> condescending and disrespectful.
>>
>> I’ve tried before telling her before she visited to please not say 
>> anything because Christine worked very hard on the house to make it nice 
>> for her. But still she says or does something every time, without fail.
>>
>> I’ll provide two examples to illustrate:
>>
>> The first happened a few months ago when she came up to visit. Christine 
>> was out somewhere, but told me not to let my mother try to touch 
>> anything. I said okay. So my mother visits, and pretty soon, she says the 
>> table is cluttered and wants to clean it up. I say no, please don’t. We 
>> have it handled just fine. But then she starts and just says she’s only 
>> putting some things in the end-table drawer so the coffee table looked 
>> nicer. I asked her not to, but she kept doing it. I figured it was just 
>> small things here and there she was putting away, but when Christine 
>> looked later on, every single item on the table was put into the drawer, 
>> messing up our organization completely. It took us a while to put 
>> everything back in its proper place.
>>
>> Case #2: It was my birthday just last week and my mother came up to 
>> visit. Again I asked her not to say anything, and she said she wouldn’t. 
>> She made a few attempts which I successfully headed off. But then she 
>> said the bedroom floor had cat hair on it and needed to be vacuumed, and 
>> asked if she could do it. I said no, thanks for letting us know and we’ll 
>> take care of it. Well five minutes later, I hear the vacuum being turned 
>> on. Apparently she told Christine behind my back she was going to do it 
>> anyway, and not to tell me. Christine was a bit intimidated I think so 
>> didn’t speak up. But it was very hurtful that I specifically asked her 
>> not to, but she did anyway.
>>
>> The ironic part is that before we moved out here, we stayed with her for 
>> over a year, and she was never a neat-freak. Her own house was often 
>> worse than ours would ever be.
>>
>> So we’re not sure how to handle it. I didn’t want to make a big fuss 
>> about it last weekend because it was my birthday and I didn’t want drama. 
>> But she might come up for Christmas and we really don’t want this to keep 
>> happening. Unfortunately as said, every time we mention something, she 
>> agrees, but then ends up doing it anyway. At this point we’re tempted to 
>> just not let her visit our house, but she’d be very hurt by that. But we 
>> feel disrespected and degraded, because it seems like she thinks we don’t 
>> know what we’re doing just because we’re blind. I’m 26 and Christine is 
>> 24, and we’re both quite capable to handle things on our own.
>>
>> Sorry about the lengthy message, but any advice would be appreciated.
>>
>> Brandon
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>

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