[Blindtlk] Being Disrespected: How to Handle

Sun Sep 28 14:58:36 UTC 2014

Good morning, Judy,

What an authentic testimony to such a universal problem that is, for 
us blinks slightly distorted. Keep us posted, okay?
Car2014, Judy Jones via blindtlk wrote:
>Hi, Brandon, this is Judy.
>
>There might be several issues here, but the big picture is to keep 
>the communication with mom going, and be as honest and loving as you can.
>
>I am a mom with grown daughters, and sometimes we moms tend to enter 
>where we shouldn't.  It is something we grow into, realizing our 
>kids are on their own, no matter how grown and capable they 
>are.  This is an interesting growing time for me, with one daughter 
>engaged to be married, and the other on her own.
>
>Not knowing the relationship you and Christine have with your folks, 
>but suggesting you sit down with Mom, let her know the love is 
>definitely there, that you value her, but let her know how you feel 
>when she tries to do things around your house.
>
>On the other hand, why not strike a compromise and let her do some 
>little things around your house,?  It might feel to you like she is 
>making a statement about what you are not doing in your house, but 
>maybe, like me, she is a putterer, always finding something to do, 
>whether it is in her house or yours, dusting off something for a 
>minute, wiping down the front of the fridge, for no reason other 
>than it is there and she's done it for years, etc.  I am a putterer, 
>and sometimes it drives my husband nuts. He'll tell me to "light somewhere."
>
>It also might be a good idea to impress on her that to move items 
>from their accustomed places hinders your organization.
>
>Maybe it would be okay for her to vacuum, for example, but leave 
>your things where you guys want them, a bit of a compromise.  Allow 
>her some puttering, yet help her to see where you stand, defining 
>your boundaries, but let her enjoy her puttering if she is used to it.
>
>Above all, however you handle this, keep the love flowing and the 
>forthright communication open.
>
>Remembering back, I can think where my husband and I went through a 
>time where we subconsciously wanted to prove successful to our 
>folks, so we were a bit over-sensitive because of that.  Our parents 
>were very patient with us, I'm sure.
>
>Let us know how things go.
>
>Judy
>
>
>-----Original Message----- From: Brandon A. Olivares via blindtlk
>Sent: Sunday, September 28, 2014 6:16 AM
>To: Blind Talk Mailing List
>Subject: [Blindtlk] Being Disrespected: How to Handle
>
>Hello,
>
>My wife and I are just looking for a bit of advice on how to handle 
>a difficult situation.
>
>We're both in our mid-twenties. We live on our own in her own home 
>town, about 250 miles from my own family. By all accounts, we keep a 
>nice house. It's not perfect, but it's clean enough, as confirmed 
>also by several of her family and friends.
>
>But still, every. single. time my mother comes up to visit, she 
>finds something to complain about. The worst thing is that I think 
>she believes she is doing it out of love, but on our end it feels 
>like she is being condescending and disrespectful.
>
>I've tried before telling her before she visited to please not say 
>anything because Christine worked very hard on the house to make it 
>nice for her. But still she says or does something every time, without fail.
>
>I'll provide two examples to illustrate:
>
>The first happened a few months ago when she came up to visit. 
>Christine was out somewhere, but told me not to let my mother try to 
>touch anything. I said okay. So my mother visits, and pretty soon, 
>she says the table is cluttered and wants to clean it up. I say no, 
>please don't. We have it handled just fine. But then she starts and 
>just says she's only putting some things in the end-table drawer so 
>the coffee table looked nicer. I asked her not to, but she kept 
>doing it. I figured it was just small things here and there she was 
>putting away, but when Christine looked later on, every single item 
>on the table was put into the drawer, messing up our organization 
>completely. It took us a while to put everything back in its proper place.
>
>Case #2: It was my birthday just last week and my mother came up to 
>visit. Again I asked her not to say anything, and she said she 
>wouldn't. She made a few attempts which I successfully headed off. 
>But then she said the bedroom floor had cat hair on it and needed to 
>be vacuumed, and asked if she could do it. I said no, thanks for 
>letting us know and we'll take care of it. Well five minutes later, 
>I hear the vacuum being turned on. Apparently she told Christine 
>behind my back she was going to do it anyway, and not to tell me. 
>Christine was a bit intimidated I think so didn't speak up. But it 
>was very hurtful that I specifically asked her not to, but she did anyway.
>
>The ironic part is that before we moved out here, we stayed with her 
>for over a year, and she was never a neat-freak. Her own house was 
>often worse than ours would ever be.
>
>So we're not sure how to handle it. I didn't want to make a big fuss 
>about it last weekend because it was my birthday and I didn't want 
>drama. But she might come up for Christmas and we really don't want 
>this to keep happening. Unfortunately as said, every time we mention 
>something, she agrees, but then ends up doing it anyway. At this 
>point we're tempted to just not let her visit our house, but she'd 
>be very hurt by that. But we feel disrespected and degraded, because 
>it seems like she thinks we don't know what we're doing just because 
>we're blind. I'm 26 and Christine is 24, and we're both quite 
>capable to handle things on our own.
>
>Sorry about the lengthy message, but any advice would be appreciated.
>
>Brandon
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