[Blindtlk] Being Disrespected: How to Handle

[Brandon A. Olivares]

Christine and I have been married for three years. The first year we were on our own at school, the second year we lived with her until we figured out where we wanted to move, and then the third year we’ve been on our own after we moved into Christine’s home town. So yeah it might take a while I suppose. She says it’s not hard for her anymore, but perhaps it is and she doesn’t even realize it.

On Sep 28, 2014, at 11:42 AM, Judy Jones <jtj1 at cableone.net> wrote:

> Yep, I can relate to how you would feel, plus being a mom who wants to fix.
> 
> That conversation might be in order.  Plus, I'm thinking, how long have you been out of her house and in your own home?  If it's been pretty recent, this may take time for you guys and your mom to work into the relationship of how to deal with each other in your separate homes.  This won't be an overnight adaptation.  Give it time and love.
> 
> Judy
> 
> 
> -----Original Message----- From: Brandon A. Olivares
> Sent: Sunday, September 28, 2014 9:34 AM
> To: Judy Jones
> Subject: Re: [Blindtlk] Being Disrespected: How to Handle
> 
> Thanks Judy. We were truly appreciative for her gift, but don’t want her to overextend herself. After that, she got us a new couch, though we’re splitting the cost on that. It’s all appreciated, but I don’t want her to feel like she needs to fix every problem she sees. Just come up and spend some nice time together every so often.
> 
> On Sep 28, 2014, at 11:31 AM, Judy Jones <jtj1 at cableone.net> wrote:
> 
>> Yes, we had a refrigerator issue, and your story brought it back.
>> 
>> My husband and I were younger, with a beat-up secondhand refrigerator.  My dad bought us a new one, and at first, instead of seeing it for the gift and sincere desire to help that it was, I took it as an insult to the fact that we couldn't take care of our own needs, which we really could.  My husband had a good job which enabled me to stay home, we were expecting the eldest daughter I mentioned in an earlier post.  I'm afraid I was letting pride get in the way.  Fortunately we did the appropriate thing in thanking him, but I was working too hard at trying to prove I was making it in life.
>> 
>> I'm not saying this is how you are, just relating my story.  After that incident, I am glad to say, I had 27 more years to relate to my dad, and he was able to see me grow in wisdom, and to see bouth our daughters grow into young women before he passed away.
>> 
>> I see some of this in our sighted daughters, too, trying to show mom and dad that they can make it on their own, and they are about the age my husband and I were too.
>> 
>> Judy
>> 
>> -----Original Message----- From: Brandon A. Olivares
>> Sent: Sunday, September 28, 2014 9:05 AM
>> To: Judy Jones
>> Subject: Re: [Blindtlk] Being Disrespected: How to Handle
>> 
>> Thanks Judy, we’ll definitely keep the communication open.
>> 
>> I’d understand it if that were how she usually acted at home. But it’s not, at all. It’s very out of character for her to need to be doing things.
>> 
>> We just want her to be able to visit without thinking she has to fix everything. Last year she came up and our refrigerator was having issues, so she decided on a whim to get us a new refrigerator. We definitely appreciated it, but she had overextended herself financially in that case.
>> 
>> On Sep 28, 2014, at 10:45 AM, Judy Jones <jtj1 at cableone.net> wrote:
>> 
>>> Hi, Brandon, this is Judy.
>>> 
>>> There might be several issues here, but the big picture is to keep the communication with mom going, and be as honest and loving as you can.
>>> 
>>> I am a mom with grown daughters, and sometimes we moms tend to enter where we shouldn't.  It is something we grow into, realizing our kids are on their own, no matter how grown and capable they are.  This is an interesting growing time for me, with one daughter engaged to be married, and the other on her own.
>>> 
>>> Not knowing the relationship you and Christine have with your folks, but suggesting you sit down with Mom, let her know the love is definitely there, that you value her, but let her know how you feel when she tries to do things around your house.
>>> 
>>> On the other hand, why not strike a compromise and let her do some little things around your house,?  It might feel to you like she is making a statement about what you are not doing in your house, but maybe, like me, she is a putterer, always finding something to do, whether it is in her house or yours, dusting off something for a minute, wiping down the front of the fridge, for no reason other than it is there and she's done it for years, etc.  I am a putterer, and sometimes it drives my husband nuts. He'll tell me to "light somewhere."
>>> 
>>> It also might be a good idea to impress on her that to move items from their accustomed places hinders your organization.
>>> 
>>> Maybe it would be okay for her to vacuum, for example, but leave your things where you guys want them, a bit of a compromise.  Allow her some puttering, yet help her to see where you stand, defining your boundaries, but let her enjoy her puttering if she is used to it.
>>> 
>>> Above all, however you handle this, keep the love flowing and the forthright communication open.
>>> 
>>> Remembering back, I can think where my husband and I went through a time where we subconsciously wanted to prove successful to our folks, so we were a bit over-sensitive because of that.  Our parents were very patient with us, I'm sure.
>>> 
>>> Let us know how things go.
>>> 
>>> Judy
>>> 
>>> 
>>> -----Original Message----- From: Brandon A. Olivares via blindtlk
>>> Sent: Sunday, September 28, 2014 6:16 AM
>>> To: Blind Talk Mailing List
>>> Subject: [Blindtlk] Being Disrespected: How to Handle
>>> 
>>> Hello,
>>> 
>>> My wife and I are just looking for a bit of advice on how to handle a difficult situation.
>>> 
>>> We’re both in our mid-twenties. We live on our own in her own home town, about 250 miles from my own family. By all accounts, we keep a nice house. It’s not perfect, but it’s clean enough, as confirmed also by several of her family and friends.
>>> 
>>> But still, every. single. time my mother comes up to visit, she finds something to complain about. The worst thing is that I think she believes she is doing it out of love, but on our end it feels like she is being condescending and disrespectful.
>>> 
>>> I’ve tried before telling her before she visited to please not say anything because Christine worked very hard on the house to make it nice for her. But still she says or does something every time, without fail.
>>> 
>>> I’ll provide two examples to illustrate:
>>> 
>>> The first happened a few months ago when she came up to visit. Christine was out somewhere, but told me not to let my mother try to touch anything. I said okay. So my mother visits, and pretty soon, she says the table is cluttered and wants to clean it up. I say no, please don’t. We have it handled just fine. But then she starts and just says she’s only putting some things in the end-table drawer so the coffee table looked nicer. I asked her not to, but she kept doing it. I figured it was just small things here and there she was putting away, but when Christine looked later on, every single item on the table was put into the drawer, messing up our organization completely. It took us a while to put everything back in its proper place.
>>> 
>>> Case #2: It was my birthday just last week and my mother came up to visit. Again I asked her not to say anything, and she said she wouldn’t. She made a few attempts which I successfully headed off. But then she said the bedroom floor had cat hair on it and needed to be vacuumed, and asked if she could do it. I said no, thanks for letting us know and we’ll take care of it. Well five minutes later, I hear the vacuum being turned on. Apparently she told Christine behind my back she was going to do it anyway, and not to tell me. Christine was a bit intimidated I think so didn’t speak up. But it was very hurtful that I specifically asked her not to, but she did anyway.
>>> 
>>> The ironic part is that before we moved out here, we stayed with her for over a year, and she was never a neat-freak. Her own house was often worse than ours would ever be.
>>> 
>>> So we’re not sure how to handle it. I didn’t want to make a big fuss about it last weekend because it was my birthday and I didn’t want drama. But she might come up for Christmas and we really don’t want this to keep happening. Unfortunately as said, every time we mention something, she agrees, but then ends up doing it anyway. At this point we’re tempted to just not let her visit our house, but she’d be very hurt by that. But we feel disrespected and degraded, because it seems like she thinks we don’t know what we’re doing just because we’re blind. I’m 26 and Christine is 24, and we’re both quite capable to handle things on our own.
>>> 
>>> Sorry about the lengthy message, but any advice would be appreciated.
>>> 
>>> Brandon
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>> 
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