[Blindtlk] Being Disrespected: How to Handle

Sun Sep 28 18:48:00 UTC 2014

Chris,
For being 16, you are very mature. Thanks so much for your suggestions. Communication is the best way to go, and I am not known for having any tact what so ever, so I end up getting more frustrated than anything…oh the joy of mother-in-laws.

Thanks again. Have a great day.

Christine
On Sep 28, 2014, at 2:20 PM, Chris Nusbaum via blindtlk <blindtlk at nfbnet.org> wrote:

> Dear Brandon:
> 
> First, I am very sorry you are having to go through this. It is often said
> among our circles that at times our families are the hardest people to
> educate. I am blessed to have a family which has always been supportive of
> my growth and capabilities. Unfortunately, however, this is not true for
> many of us, confidence and prowess in the skills of blindness
> notwithstanding.
> 
> It seems to me that your mother simply is not "getting it." In my opinion,
> this is not something for which she can be blamed. A mother's instinct is to
> protect and care for her children, no matter their age. For this reason,
> parents of *any* child--blind or sighted--often feel uncomfortable with
> their children branching out and doing something on their own which they are
> used to doing for them. As evidenced by the experiences shared by empty-nest
> moms Julie and Judy in this thread, getting out of these habits takes some
> time and, in many cases, emotional maturity. Your mom may simply need more
> time to work through whatever emotions she might have.
> 
> By acknowledging this I am by no means condoning her behavior. You and
> Christine are adults. This is a simple statement of fact and with it comes
> certain changes, rights and responsibilities. You live on your own, with all
> that this statement implies. Therefore, you ought to have the right to take
> care of your own house, which you duly bought with your own money, without
> someone who has no responsibility for the upkeep of the house meddling in
> your affairs. To me, your mother, when staying at your house, is a guest
> there. If this is how she is to be viewed, never in my experience has a
> guest constantly criticized the cleanliness of the house without being
> thought rude. Some hosts might even feel this cause to kick the
> inconsiderate guest out of the house. This, in my opinion, is a universal
> principle of common courtesy, whether or not the host is blind. However,
> this is not just any guest we are talking about here; this is your mother.
> You cannot kick her out of the house, nor would you (probably) want to. So,
> what to do?
> 
> I think all of this can be boiled down to a matter of communication. Sure,
> you have tried to communicate with her in the past to no avail, but this has
> been in the heat of the moment when emotions run high. Therefore, I would
> talk with her privately and in-person when neither of you is caught in your
> emotions. I would then take care to calmly explain to her how I feel without
> accusing her of anything. We often get defensive when we feel as though
> someone is accusing us of some wrongdoing. If we keep the focus on
> ourselves, however, the person on the receiving end often is more receptive
> to what we have to say. For example, you might start off with the following:
> "Mom, Christine and I bought this house with our own money and we have been
> taking care of it for the past few years now. We are adults and we want to
> be treated as such. Right now I feel disrespected when I am constantly told
> what is wrong with my house." All you can do after this is see how the
> conversation goes.
> 
> Please understand that I am not trying to put words in your mouth. I am
> merely trying to give the best suggestions I know to deal with this
> situation. If you have any other questions or would like to talk further, I
> would be happy to communicate with you privately by phone or by email. I
> hope these suggestions help you and I wish you the best of luck in dealing
> with this sensitive situation.
> 
> Sincerely yours,
> 
> Chris Nusbaum
> 
> -----Original Message-----
> From: blindtlk [mailto:blindtlk-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Brandon A.
> Olivares via blindtlk
> Sent: Sunday, September 28, 2014 8:16 AM
> To: Blind Talk Mailing List
> Subject: [Blindtlk] Being Disrespected: How to Handle
> 
> Hello,
> 
> My wife and I are just looking for a bit of advice on how to handle a
> difficult situation.
> 
> We're both in our mid-twenties. We live on our own in her own home town,
> about 250 miles from my own family. By all accounts, we keep a nice house.
> It's not perfect, but it's clean enough, as confirmed also by several of her
> family and friends.
> 
> But still, every. single. time my mother comes up to visit, she finds
> something to complain about. The worst thing is that I think she believes
> she is doing it out of love, but on our end it feels like she is being
> condescending and disrespectful.
> 
> I've tried before telling her before she visited to please not say anything
> because Christine worked very hard on the house to make it nice for her. But
> still she says or does something every time, without fail.
> 
> I'll provide two examples to illustrate:
> 
> The first happened a few months ago when she came up to visit. Christine was
> out somewhere, but told me not to let my mother try to touch anything. I
> said okay. So my mother visits, and pretty soon, she says the table is
> cluttered and wants to clean it up. I say no, please don't. We have it
> handled just fine. But then she starts and just says she's only putting some
> things in the end-table drawer so the coffee table looked nicer. I asked her
> not to, but she kept doing it. I figured it was just small things here and
> there she was putting away, but when Christine looked later on, every single
> item on the table was put into the drawer, messing up our organization
> completely. It took us a while to put everything back in its proper place.
> 
> Case #2: It was my birthday just last week and my mother came up to visit.
> Again I asked her not to say anything, and she said she wouldn't. She made a
> few attempts which I successfully headed off. But then she said the bedroom
> floor had cat hair on it and needed to be vacuumed, and asked if she could
> do it. I said no, thanks for letting us know and we'll take care of it. Well
> five minutes later, I hear the vacuum being turned on. Apparently she told
> Christine behind my back she was going to do it anyway, and not to tell me.
> Christine was a bit intimidated I think so didn't speak up. But it was very
> hurtful that I specifically asked her not to, but she did anyway.
> 
> The ironic part is that before we moved out here, we stayed with her for
> over a year, and she was never a neat-freak. Her own house was often worse
> than ours would ever be.
> 
> So we're not sure how to handle it. I didn't want to make a big fuss about
> it last weekend because it was my birthday and I didn't want drama. But she
> might come up for Christmas and we really don't want this to keep happening.
> Unfortunately as said, every time we mention something, she agrees, but then
> ends up doing it anyway. At this point we're tempted to just not let her
> visit our house, but she'd be very hurt by that. But we feel disrespected
> and degraded, because it seems like she thinks we don't know what we're
> doing just because we're blind. I'm 26 and Christine is 24, and we're both
> quite capable to handle things on our own.
> 
> Sorry about the lengthy message, but any advice would be appreciated.
> 
> Brandon
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