[Blindtlk] Being Disrespected: How to Handle

Sun Sep 28 19:02:02 UTC 2014

To speak frankly, I am not exactly known for my tact either.  I agree though:  Chris is a fine oustanding fellow.

Sincerely,
the Constantly Barefooted Ray, Still a very happy Mac and iphone user!
Sent from my Mac, the only computer with full accessibility for the blind built-in and fully protected by ClamXav Antivirus!

On Sep 28, 2014, at 1:48 PM, Christine Olivares via blindtlk <blindtlk at nfbnet.org> wrote:

> Chris,
> For being 16, you are very mature. Thanks so much for your suggestions. Communication is the best way to go, and I am not known for having any tact what so ever, so I end up getting more frustrated than anything…oh the joy of mother-in-laws.
> 
> Thanks again. Have a great day.
> 
> Christine
> On Sep 28, 2014, at 2:20 PM, Chris Nusbaum via blindtlk <blindtlk at nfbnet.org> wrote:
> 
>> Dear Brandon:
>> 
>> First, I am very sorry you are having to go through this. It is often said
>> among our circles that at times our families are the hardest people to
>> educate. I am blessed to have a family which has always been supportive of
>> my growth and capabilities. Unfortunately, however, this is not true for
>> many of us, confidence and prowess in the skills of blindness
>> notwithstanding.
>> 
>> It seems to me that your mother simply is not "getting it." In my opinion,
>> this is not something for which she can be blamed. A mother's instinct is to
>> protect and care for her children, no matter their age. For this reason,
>> parents of *any* child--blind or sighted--often feel uncomfortable with
>> their children branching out and doing something on their own which they are
>> used to doing for them. As evidenced by the experiences shared by empty-nest
>> moms Julie and Judy in this thread, getting out of these habits takes some
>> time and, in many cases, emotional maturity. Your mom may simply need more
>> time to work through whatever emotions she might have.
>> 
>> By acknowledging this I am by no means condoning her behavior. You and
>> Christine are adults. This is a simple statement of fact and with it comes
>> certain changes, rights and responsibilities. You live on your own, with all
>> that this statement implies. Therefore, you ought to have the right to take
>> care of your own house, which you duly bought with your own money, without
>> someone who has no responsibility for the upkeep of the house meddling in
>> your affairs. To me, your mother, when staying at your house, is a guest
>> there. If this is how she is to be viewed, never in my experience has a
>> guest constantly criticized the cleanliness of the house without being
>> thought rude. Some hosts might even feel this cause to kick the
>> inconsiderate guest out of the house. This, in my opinion, is a universal
>> principle of common courtesy, whether or not the host is blind. However,
>> this is not just any guest we are talking about here; this is your mother.
>> You cannot kick her out of the house, nor would you (probably) want to. So,
>> what to do?
>> 
>> I think all of this can be boiled down to a matter of communication. Sure,
>> you have tried to communicate with her in the past to no avail, but this has
>> been in the heat of the moment when emotions run high. Therefore, I would
>> talk with her privately and in-person when neither of you is caught in your
>> emotions. I would then take care to calmly explain to her how I feel without
>> accusing her of anything. We often get defensive when we feel as though
>> someone is accusing us of some wrongdoing. If we keep the focus on
>> ourselves, however, the person on the receiving end often is more receptive
>> to what we have to say. For example, you might start off with the following:
>> "Mom, Christine and I bought this house with our own money and we have been
>> taking care of it for the past few years now. We are adults and we want to
>> be treated as such. Right now I feel disrespected when I am constantly told
>> what is wrong with my house." All you can do after this is see how the
>> conversation goes.
>> 
>> Please understand that I am not trying to put words in your mouth. I am
>> merely trying to give the best suggestions I know to deal with this
>> situation. If you have any other questions or would like to talk further, I
>> would be happy to communicate with you privately by phone or by email. I
>> hope these suggestions help you and I wish you the best of luck in dealing
>> with this sensitive situation.
>> 
>> Sincerely yours,
>> 
>> Chris Nusbaum
>> 
>> -----Original Message-----
>> From: blindtlk [mailto:blindtlk-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Brandon A.
>> Olivares via blindtlk
>> Sent: Sunday, September 28, 2014 8:16 AM
>> To: Blind Talk Mailing List
>> Subject: [Blindtlk] Being Disrespected: How to Handle
>> 
>> Hello,
>> 
>> My wife and I are just looking for a bit of advice on how to handle a
>> difficult situation.
>> 
>> We're both in our mid-twenties. We live on our own in her own home town,
>> about 250 miles from my own family. By all accounts, we keep a nice house.
>> It's not perfect, but it's clean enough, as confirmed also by several of her
>> family and friends.
>> 
>> But still, every. single. time my mother comes up to visit, she finds
>> something to complain about. The worst thing is that I think she believes
>> she is doing it out of love, but on our end it feels like she is being
>> condescending and disrespectful.
>> 
>> I've tried before telling her before she visited to please not say anything
>> because Christine worked very hard on the house to make it nice for her. But
>> still she says or does something every time, without fail.
>> 
>> I'll provide two examples to illustrate:
>> 
>> The first happened a few months ago when she came up to visit. Christine was
>> out somewhere, but told me not to let my mother try to touch anything. I
>> said okay. So my mother visits, and pretty soon, she says the table is
>> cluttered and wants to clean it up. I say no, please don't. We have it
>> handled just fine. But then she starts and just says she's only putting some
>> things in the end-table drawer so the coffee table looked nicer. I asked her
>> not to, but she kept doing it. I figured it was just small things here and
>> there she was putting away, but when Christine looked later on, every single
>> item on the table was put into the drawer, messing up our organization
>> completely. It took us a while to put everything back in its proper place.
>> 
>> Case #2: It was my birthday just last week and my mother came up to visit.
>> Again I asked her not to say anything, and she said she wouldn't. She made a
>> few attempts which I successfully headed off. But then she said the bedroom
>> floor had cat hair on it and needed to be vacuumed, and asked if she could
>> do it. I said no, thanks for letting us know and we'll take care of it. Well
>> five minutes later, I hear the vacuum being turned on. Apparently she told
>> Christine behind my back she was going to do it anyway, and not to tell me.
>> Christine was a bit intimidated I think so didn't speak up. But it was very
>> hurtful that I specifically asked her not to, but she did anyway.
>> 
>> The ironic part is that before we moved out here, we stayed with her for
>> over a year, and she was never a neat-freak. Her own house was often worse
>> than ours would ever be.
>> 
>> So we're not sure how to handle it. I didn't want to make a big fuss about
>> it last weekend because it was my birthday and I didn't want drama. But she
>> might come up for Christmas and we really don't want this to keep happening.
>> Unfortunately as said, every time we mention something, she agrees, but then
>> ends up doing it anyway. At this point we're tempted to just not let her
>> visit our house, but she'd be very hurt by that. But we feel disrespected
>> and degraded, because it seems like she thinks we don't know what we're
>> doing just because we're blind. I'm 26 and Christine is 24, and we're both
>> quite capable to handle things on our own.
>> 
>> Sorry about the lengthy message, but any advice would be appreciated.
>> 
>> Brandon
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>> 
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> 
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