[Blindtlk] Being Disrespected: How to Handle

Sun Sep 28 21:00:09 UTC 2014

I think all of my life one of the biggest things I have heard is people being disparaging about their mothers. Mostly I haven’t had that kind of relationship with my daughter, but many people reach a point where they dread being with their mothers because their mothers won’t let go of the childhood thing, but it does take work.

Cindy

On Sep 28, 2014, at 10:39 AM, Julie J. via blindtlk <blindtlk at nfbnet.org> wrote:

> Judy,
> 
> I really appreciate your sharing about your experiences with adult children. My son will be 18 in just a couple of months and off to college next year. I am trying to back off and let him develop adult responsibilities, but that is way easier said than done.   I will keep trying and be gentle with myself when I mess it all up!
> 
> Thank you,
> Julie
> 
> 
> -----Original Message----- From: Judy Jones via blindtlk
> Sent: Sunday, September 28, 2014 10:06 AM
> To: Michael Capelle ; Blind Talk Mailing List
> Subject: Re: [Blindtlk] Being Disrespected: How to Handle
> 
> My parents were always very encouraging and proud of my independence, but I
> think younger people have their agendas, their life ahead of them, and full
> steam ahead on how they plan to get things done; I know we were that way.
> And we parents need to learn to go with the flow of our adult children.
> I've heard it said that parents of grown children take the role often of a
> coach on the sidelines of a ball game.  They're not in the game, but
> watching it, and advising as their adult kids ask.  Easier said than done,
> trust me.
> 
> Judy
> 
> 
> -----Original Message----- From: Michael Capelle via blindtlk
> Sent: Sunday, September 28, 2014 7:39 AM
> To: Blind Talk Mailing List ; Carly Mihalakis
> Subject: Re: [Blindtlk] Being Disrespected: How to Handle
> 
> I was not  trying to say let them baby you, but remember, as I said, you are
> her child in her eyes, and she will always try to help probably til the day
> she passes on, trust me, i had a lot of family issues, but since they have
> seen me live on my own, they realize that i can do things for myself.
> 
> -----Original Message----- From: Carly Mihalakis
> Sent: Sunday, September 28, 2014 8:27 AM
> To: Michael Capelle ; Blind Talk Mailing List
> Subject: Re: [Blindtlk] Being Disrespected: How to Handle
> 
> Yes.  That is what I try to do, too.
>  That is what At 05:18 AM 9/28/2014, you wrote:
>> I have this happen a lot when my parents come up here.  What I have learned to do, is pick your battle, let her maybe vacumn, or let her organize the table, but have her tell you and christine where she is putting things.
>> remember, you will always be her baby, and she truely is just trying to help.
>> 
>> -----Original Message----- From: Brandon A. Olivares via blindtlk
>> Sent: Sunday, September 28, 2014 7:16 AM
>> To: Blind Talk Mailing List
>> Subject: [Blindtlk] Being Disrespected: How to Handle
>> 
>> Hello,
>> 
>> My wife and I are just looking for a bit of advice on how to handle a difficult situation.
>> 
>> We're both in our mid-twenties. We live on our own in her own home town, about 250 miles from my own family. By all accounts, we keep a nice house. It's not perfect, but it's clean enough, as confirmed also by several of her family and friends.
>> 
>> But still, every. single. time my mother comes up to visit, she finds something to complain about. The worst thing is that I think she believes she is doing it out of love, but on our end it feels like she is being condescending and disrespectful.
>> 
>> I've tried before telling her before she visited to please not say anything because Christine worked very hard on the house to make it nice for her. But still she says or does something every time, without fail.
>> 
>> I'll provide two examples to illustrate:
>> 
>> The first happened a few months ago when she came up to visit. Christine was out somewhere, but told me not to let my mother try to touch anything. I said okay. So my mother visits, and pretty soon, she says the table is cluttered and wants to clean it up. I say no, please don't. We have it handled just fine. But then she starts and just says she's only putting some things in the end-table drawer so the coffee table looked nicer. I asked her not to, but she kept doing it. I figured it was just small things here and there she was putting away, but when Christine looked later on, every single item on the table was put into the drawer, messing up our organization completely. It took us a while to put everything back in its proper place.
>> 
>> Case #2: It was my birthday just last week and my mother came up to visit. Again I asked her not to say anything, and she said she wouldn't. She made a few attempts which I successfully headed off. But then she said the bedroom floor had cat hair on it and needed to be vacuumed, and asked if she could do it. I said no, thanks for letting us know and we'll take care of it. Well five minutes later, I hear the vacuum being turned on. Apparently she told Christine behind my back she was going to do it anyway, and not to tell me. Christine was a bit intimidated I think so didn't speak up. But it was very hurtful that I specifically asked her not to, but she did anyway.
>> 
>> The ironic part is that before we moved out here, we stayed with her for over a year, and she was never a neat-freak. Her own house was often worse than ours would ever be.
>> 
>> So we're not sure how to handle it. I didn't want to make a big fuss about it last weekend because it was my birthday and I didn't want drama. But she might come up for Christmas and we really don't want this to keep happening. Unfortunately as said, every time we mention something, she agrees, but then ends up doing it anyway. At this point we're tempted to just not let her visit our house, but she'd be very hurt by that. But we feel disrespected and degraded, because it seems like she thinks we don't know what we're doing just because we're blind. I'm 26 and Christine is 24, and we're both quite capable to handle things on our own.
>> 
>> Sorry about the lengthy message, but any advice would be appreciated.
>> 
>> Brandon
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> 
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