[Blindtlk] Being Disrespected: How to Handle

Sun Sep 28 21:07:42 UTC 2014

Yes indeed, but well worth it.

Judy

-----Original Message----- 
From: Cindy Ray via blindtlk
Sent: Sunday, September 28, 2014 3:00 PM
To: Julie J. ; Blind Talk Mailing List
Subject: Re: [Blindtlk] Being Disrespected: How to Handle

I think all of my life one of the biggest things I have heard is people 
being disparaging about their mothers. Mostly I haven’t had that kind of 
relationship with my daughter, but many people reach a point where they 
dread being with their mothers because their mothers won’t let go of the 
childhood thing, but it does take work.

Cindy

On Sep 28, 2014, at 10:39 AM, Julie J. via blindtlk <blindtlk at nfbnet.org> 
wrote:

> Judy,
>
> I really appreciate your sharing about your experiences with adult 
> children. My son will be 18 in just a couple of months and off to college 
> next year. I am trying to back off and let him develop adult 
> responsibilities, but that is way easier said than done.   I will keep 
> trying and be gentle with myself when I mess it all up!
>
> Thank you,
> Julie
>
>
> -----Original Message----- From: Judy Jones via blindtlk
> Sent: Sunday, September 28, 2014 10:06 AM
> To: Michael Capelle ; Blind Talk Mailing List
> Subject: Re: [Blindtlk] Being Disrespected: How to Handle
>
> My parents were always very encouraging and proud of my independence, but 
> I
> think younger people have their agendas, their life ahead of them, and 
> full
> steam ahead on how they plan to get things done; I know we were that way.
> And we parents need to learn to go with the flow of our adult children.
> I've heard it said that parents of grown children take the role often of a
> coach on the sidelines of a ball game.  They're not in the game, but
> watching it, and advising as their adult kids ask.  Easier said than done,
> trust me.
>
> Judy
>
>
> -----Original Message----- From: Michael Capelle via blindtlk
> Sent: Sunday, September 28, 2014 7:39 AM
> To: Blind Talk Mailing List ; Carly Mihalakis
> Subject: Re: [Blindtlk] Being Disrespected: How to Handle
>
> I was not  trying to say let them baby you, but remember, as I said, you 
> are
> her child in her eyes, and she will always try to help probably til the 
> day
> she passes on, trust me, i had a lot of family issues, but since they have
> seen me live on my own, they realize that i can do things for myself.
>
> -----Original Message----- From: Carly Mihalakis
> Sent: Sunday, September 28, 2014 8:27 AM
> To: Michael Capelle ; Blind Talk Mailing List
> Subject: Re: [Blindtlk] Being Disrespected: How to Handle
>
> Yes.  That is what I try to do, too.
>  That is what At 05:18 AM 9/28/2014, you wrote:
>> I have this happen a lot when my parents come up here.  What I have 
>> learned to do, is pick your battle, let her maybe vacumn, or let her 
>> organize the table, but have her tell you and christine where she is 
>> putting things.
>> remember, you will always be her baby, and she truely is just trying to 
>> help.
>>
>> -----Original Message----- From: Brandon A. Olivares via blindtlk
>> Sent: Sunday, September 28, 2014 7:16 AM
>> To: Blind Talk Mailing List
>> Subject: [Blindtlk] Being Disrespected: How to Handle
>>
>> Hello,
>>
>> My wife and I are just looking for a bit of advice on how to handle a 
>> difficult situation.
>>
>> We're both in our mid-twenties. We live on our own in her own home town, 
>> about 250 miles from my own family. By all accounts, we keep a nice 
>> house. It's not perfect, but it's clean enough, as confirmed also by 
>> several of her family and friends.
>>
>> But still, every. single. time my mother comes up to visit, she finds 
>> something to complain about. The worst thing is that I think she believes 
>> she is doing it out of love, but on our end it feels like she is being 
>> condescending and disrespectful.
>>
>> I've tried before telling her before she visited to please not say 
>> anything because Christine worked very hard on the house to make it nice 
>> for her. But still she says or does something every time, without fail.
>>
>> I'll provide two examples to illustrate:
>>
>> The first happened a few months ago when she came up to visit. Christine 
>> was out somewhere, but told me not to let my mother try to touch 
>> anything. I said okay. So my mother visits, and pretty soon, she says the 
>> table is cluttered and wants to clean it up. I say no, please don't. We 
>> have it handled just fine. But then she starts and just says she's only 
>> putting some things in the end-table drawer so the coffee table looked 
>> nicer. I asked her not to, but she kept doing it. I figured it was just 
>> small things here and there she was putting away, but when Christine 
>> looked later on, every single item on the table was put into the drawer, 
>> messing up our organization completely. It took us a while to put 
>> everything back in its proper place.
>>
>> Case #2: It was my birthday just last week and my mother came up to 
>> visit. Again I asked her not to say anything, and she said she wouldn't. 
>> She made a few attempts which I successfully headed off. But then she 
>> said the bedroom floor had cat hair on it and needed to be vacuumed, and 
>> asked if she could do it. I said no, thanks for letting us know and we'll 
>> take care of it. Well five minutes later, I hear the vacuum being turned 
>> on. Apparently she told Christine behind my back she was going to do it 
>> anyway, and not to tell me. Christine was a bit intimidated I think so 
>> didn't speak up. But it was very hurtful that I specifically asked her 
>> not to, but she did anyway.
>>
>> The ironic part is that before we moved out here, we stayed with her for 
>> over a year, and she was never a neat-freak. Her own house was often 
>> worse than ours would ever be.
>>
>> So we're not sure how to handle it. I didn't want to make a big fuss 
>> about it last weekend because it was my birthday and I didn't want drama. 
>> But she might come up for Christmas and we really don't want this to keep 
>> happening. Unfortunately as said, every time we mention something, she 
>> agrees, but then ends up doing it anyway. At this point we're tempted to 
>> just not let her visit our house, but she'd be very hurt by that. But we 
>> feel disrespected and degraded, because it seems like she thinks we don't 
>> know what we're doing just because we're blind. I'm 26 and Christine is 
>> 24, and we're both quite capable to handle things on our own.
>>
>> Sorry about the lengthy message, but any advice would be appreciated.
>>
>> Brandon
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>
>
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