[Blindtlk] Being Disrespected: How to Handle

Mon Sep 29 00:38:14 UTC 2014

Judy, congratulations. I hope it will be a happy union of two young souls.

Cindy

On Sep 28, 2014, at 2:52 PM, Judy Jones via blindtlk <blindtlk at nfbnet.org> wrote:

> And I'm about to become one.  Jada is marrying a Washington state trooper, proud of him.
> 
> Judy
> 
> 
> -----Original Message----- From: Chris Nusbaum via blindtlk
> Sent: Sunday, September 28, 2014 1:23 PM
> To: Christine Olivares
> Cc: Blind Talk Mailing List
> Subject: Re: [Blindtlk] Being Disrespected: How to Handle
> 
> Hence why jokes about mother-in-laws are so prevalent. LOL! Thank you for your kind words.
> 
> Chris Nusbaum
> 
> Sent from my iPhone
> 
>> On Sep 28, 2014, at 2:48 PM, Christine Olivares <rafael4490 at gmail.com> wrote:
>> 
>> Chris,
>> For being 16, you are very mature. Thanks so much for your suggestions. Communication is the best way to go, and I am not known for having any tact what so ever, so I end up getting more frustrated than anything…oh the joy of mother-in-laws.
>> 
>> Thanks again. Have a great day.
>> 
>> Christine
>>> On Sep 28, 2014, at 2:20 PM, Chris Nusbaum via blindtlk <blindtlk at nfbnet.org> wrote:
>>> 
>>> Dear Brandon:
>>> 
>>> First, I am very sorry you are having to go through this. It is often said
>>> among our circles that at times our families are the hardest people to
>>> educate. I am blessed to have a family which has always been supportive of
>>> my growth and capabilities. Unfortunately, however, this is not true for
>>> many of us, confidence and prowess in the skills of blindness
>>> notwithstanding.
>>> 
>>> It seems to me that your mother simply is not "getting it." In my opinion,
>>> this is not something for which she can be blamed. A mother's instinct is to
>>> protect and care for her children, no matter their age. For this reason,
>>> parents of *any* child--blind or sighted--often feel uncomfortable with
>>> their children branching out and doing something on their own which they are
>>> used to doing for them. As evidenced by the experiences shared by empty-nest
>>> moms Julie and Judy in this thread, getting out of these habits takes some
>>> time and, in many cases, emotional maturity. Your mom may simply need more
>>> time to work through whatever emotions she might have.
>>> 
>>> By acknowledging this I am by no means condoning her behavior. You and
>>> Christine are adults. This is a simple statement of fact and with it comes
>>> certain changes, rights and responsibilities. You live on your own, with all
>>> that this statement implies. Therefore, you ought to have the right to take
>>> care of your own house, which you duly bought with your own money, without
>>> someone who has no responsibility for the upkeep of the house meddling in
>>> your affairs. To me, your mother, when staying at your house, is a guest
>>> there. If this is how she is to be viewed, never in my experience has a
>>> guest constantly criticized the cleanliness of the house without being
>>> thought rude. Some hosts might even feel this cause to kick the
>>> inconsiderate guest out of the house. This, in my opinion, is a universal
>>> principle of common courtesy, whether or not the host is blind. However,
>>> this is not just any guest we are talking about here; this is your mother.
>>> You cannot kick her out of the house, nor would you (probably) want to. So,
>>> what to do?
>>> 
>>> I think all of this can be boiled down to a matter of communication. Sure,
>>> you have tried to communicate with her in the past to no avail, but this has
>>> been in the heat of the moment when emotions run high. Therefore, I would
>>> talk with her privately and in-person when neither of you is caught in your
>>> emotions. I would then take care to calmly explain to her how I feel without
>>> accusing her of anything. We often get defensive when we feel as though
>>> someone is accusing us of some wrongdoing. If we keep the focus on
>>> ourselves, however, the person on the receiving end often is more receptive
>>> to what we have to say. For example, you might start off with the following:
>>> "Mom, Christine and I bought this house with our own money and we have been
>>> taking care of it for the past few years now. We are adults and we want to
>>> be treated as such. Right now I feel disrespected when I am constantly told
>>> what is wrong with my house." All you can do after this is see how the
>>> conversation goes.
>>> 
>>> Please understand that I am not trying to put words in your mouth. I am
>>> merely trying to give the best suggestions I know to deal with this
>>> situation. If you have any other questions or would like to talk further, I
>>> would be happy to communicate with you privately by phone or by email. I
>>> hope these suggestions help you and I wish you the best of luck in dealing
>>> with this sensitive situation.
>>> 
>>> Sincerely yours,
>>> 
>>> Chris Nusbaum
>>> 
>>> -----Original Message-----
>>> From: blindtlk [mailto:blindtlk-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Brandon A.
>>> Olivares via blindtlk
>>> Sent: Sunday, September 28, 2014 8:16 AM
>>> To: Blind Talk Mailing List
>>> Subject: [Blindtlk] Being Disrespected: How to Handle
>>> 
>>> Hello,
>>> 
>>> My wife and I are just looking for a bit of advice on how to handle a
>>> difficult situation.
>>> 
>>> We're both in our mid-twenties. We live on our own in her own home town,
>>> about 250 miles from my own family. By all accounts, we keep a nice house.
>>> It's not perfect, but it's clean enough, as confirmed also by several of her
>>> family and friends.
>>> 
>>> But still, every. single. time my mother comes up to visit, she finds
>>> something to complain about. The worst thing is that I think she believes
>>> she is doing it out of love, but on our end it feels like she is being
>>> condescending and disrespectful.
>>> 
>>> I've tried before telling her before she visited to please not say anything
>>> because Christine worked very hard on the house to make it nice for her. But
>>> still she says or does something every time, without fail.
>>> 
>>> I'll provide two examples to illustrate:
>>> 
>>> The first happened a few months ago when she came up to visit. Christine was
>>> out somewhere, but told me not to let my mother try to touch anything. I
>>> said okay. So my mother visits, and pretty soon, she says the table is
>>> cluttered and wants to clean it up. I say no, please don't. We have it
>>> handled just fine. But then she starts and just says she's only putting some
>>> things in the end-table drawer so the coffee table looked nicer. I asked her
>>> not to, but she kept doing it. I figured it was just small things here and
>>> there she was putting away, but when Christine looked later on, every single
>>> item on the table was put into the drawer, messing up our organization
>>> completely. It took us a while to put everything back in its proper place.
>>> 
>>> Case #2: It was my birthday just last week and my mother came up to visit.
>>> Again I asked her not to say anything, and she said she wouldn't. She made a
>>> few attempts which I successfully headed off. But then she said the bedroom
>>> floor had cat hair on it and needed to be vacuumed, and asked if she could
>>> do it. I said no, thanks for letting us know and we'll take care of it. Well
>>> five minutes later, I hear the vacuum being turned on. Apparently she told
>>> Christine behind my back she was going to do it anyway, and not to tell me.
>>> Christine was a bit intimidated I think so didn't speak up. But it was very
>>> hurtful that I specifically asked her not to, but she did anyway.
>>> 
>>> The ironic part is that before we moved out here, we stayed with her for
>>> over a year, and she was never a neat-freak. Her own house was often worse
>>> than ours would ever be.
>>> 
>>> So we're not sure how to handle it. I didn't want to make a big fuss about
>>> it last weekend because it was my birthday and I didn't want drama. But she
>>> might come up for Christmas and we really don't want this to keep happening.
>>> Unfortunately as said, every time we mention something, she agrees, but then
>>> ends up doing it anyway. At this point we're tempted to just not let her
>>> visit our house, but she'd be very hurt by that. But we feel disrespected
>>> and degraded, because it seems like she thinks we don't know what we're
>>> doing just because we're blind. I'm 26 and Christine is 24, and we're both
>>> quite capable to handle things on our own.
>>> 
>>> Sorry about the lengthy message, but any advice would be appreciated.
>>> 
>>> Brandon
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>>> 
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>> 
> 
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