[blparent] need to think something out

[Scott Lawlor]

Hi.

I hope you guys will indulge me as I think aloud a bit and maybe I could use 
a bit of input, not necessarily what to do so much as maybe just using the 
group as a sounding board of sorts if that's alright.

Earlier this morning I was watching the baby and putting a diaper on her. 
She was very wiggly and crying and I wasn't in a very good mood anyway so I 
was annoyed and actually growled at her which was very over the top.

Cindy asked me if I regretted having a kid and I said that I did a little. 
Add to this the notion that she really wants another one and I don't think I 
can go through the baby stage again, no matter how temporary things are.
She asked me if I wanted to leave and I told her that part of me does and 
part of me doesn't, an answer that I hate giving because it's quite 
ambivalent.

For the most part, I'm happy here and though I don't enjoy it that much 
honestly, I take care of the baby alright.

I just don't know.  It's not a question of whether either one of us is 
worried about being single and alone, that's not a big deal for either her 
or I actually.

But she says if I'm going to resent a child, she'll pick up on that and it 
won't be healthy for her or the rest of the family.

I'm not sure if resent is the right word.

We compliment each other in so many ways though, she cooks and I clean up 
and do the dishes, she's way better with the finances and I'm better with 
the laundry.

Like I said, for the most part, I enjoy my life here with Cindy but taking 
care of a baby, I'm not so sure of all that sometimes.

It's not the work so much, the extra laundry, the diapering and all that. 
I'm not sure what it is exactly.

I know I enjoy my alone time more now than I used to I think.

I hate feeling conflicted like this and it's not like I have to decide right 
now whether to leave or not.  She did say though that if I wanted to leave, 
it would be better now than later.

I felt more comfortable and more capable when I was exclusively in a support 
role, doing the laundry and all that other stuff.

I remember she was crying really hard one time when I was holding her and I 
had this image of me throwing her through the window, not a pretty image and 
I'd never do something like that but those sorts of things really concern 
me.

No, being a parent of a new baby hasn't been exciting for me and I haven't 
enjoyed it nearly as much as Cindy has and I wasn't excited about having 
this kid and I think it's safe to say that she wanted this child more than 
I.   I do better with kids who can actually talk and who can at least tell 
you what they need to some extent.

I hope I haven't rambled too much but I just felt that I needed to write 
some things out a bit.