[blparent] need to think something out

[Eva Adams]

Scott,
I am sorry that u aren't enjoying fatherhood. Having a baby can change a 
lot, and stir up emotions u never knew u felt. Maybe sitting down by 
yourself, and thinking about everything would help. I mean think about do u 
love your baby? Do u think u could deal with leaving and not seeing your 
baby grow up? Could your feelings of resentment be that the baby is taking 
away from your time with Cindy? I know that my fiance has struggled with the 
fact that we don't have the alone time like we use to. That we don't go out 
by ourselves much. I think he had some of the same feelings as u do. I can 
tell that now that our daughter is 2 that he has calmed down a lot, and does 
seem to really enjoy being a father. He also had several fears about being a 
father, and if he would be good at it. I hope things get better for u soon. 
It is hard when a baby is just coming into the home. Hang in there.

Eva
----- Original Message ----- 
From: "Scott Lawlor" <sklawlor at mac.com>
To: "NFBnet Blind Parents Mailing List" <blparent at nfbnet.org>
Sent: Tuesday, April 06, 2010 12:01 PM
Subject: [blparent] need to think something out


> Hi.
>
> I hope you guys will indulge me as I think aloud a bit and maybe I could 
> use a bit of input, not necessarily what to do so much as maybe just using 
> the group as a sounding board of sorts if that's alright.
>
> Earlier this morning I was watching the baby and putting a diaper on her. 
> She was very wiggly and crying and I wasn't in a very good mood anyway so 
> I was annoyed and actually growled at her which was very over the top.
>
> Cindy asked me if I regretted having a kid and I said that I did a little. 
> Add to this the notion that she really wants another one and I don't think 
> I can go through the baby stage again, no matter how temporary things are.
> She asked me if I wanted to leave and I told her that part of me does and 
> part of me doesn't, an answer that I hate giving because it's quite 
> ambivalent.
>
> For the most part, I'm happy here and though I don't enjoy it that much 
> honestly, I take care of the baby alright.
>
> I just don't know.  It's not a question of whether either one of us is 
> worried about being single and alone, that's not a big deal for either her 
> or I actually.
>
> But she says if I'm going to resent a child, she'll pick up on that and it 
> won't be healthy for her or the rest of the family.
>
> I'm not sure if resent is the right word.
>
> We compliment each other in so many ways though, she cooks and I clean up 
> and do the dishes, she's way better with the finances and I'm better with 
> the laundry.
>
> Like I said, for the most part, I enjoy my life here with Cindy but taking 
> care of a baby, I'm not so sure of all that sometimes.
>
> It's not the work so much, the extra laundry, the diapering and all that. 
> I'm not sure what it is exactly.
>
> I know I enjoy my alone time more now than I used to I think.
>
> I hate feeling conflicted like this and it's not like I have to decide 
> right now whether to leave or not.  She did say though that if I wanted to 
> leave, it would be better now than later.
>
> I felt more comfortable and more capable when I was exclusively in a 
> support role, doing the laundry and all that other stuff.
>
> I remember she was crying really hard one time when I was holding her and 
> I had this image of me throwing her through the window, not a pretty image 
> and I'd never do something like that but those sorts of things really 
> concern me.
>
> No, being a parent of a new baby hasn't been exciting for me and I haven't 
> enjoyed it nearly as much as Cindy has and I wasn't excited about having 
> this kid and I think it's safe to say that she wanted this child more than 
> I.   I do better with kids who can actually talk and who can at least tell 
> you what they need to some extent.
>
> I hope I haven't rambled too much but I just felt that I needed to write 
> some things out a bit.
>
>
>
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