[blparent] need to think something out

[David Andrews]

I hope you can and will get the support you need on this list -- but 
I just want to remind everybody that this, and all our lists are 
archived, and searchable from Google, Bing etc.  So, anything you 
write may have a life.

Dave

At 12:01 PM 4/6/2010, you wrote:
>Hi.
>
>I hope you guys will indulge me as I think aloud a bit and maybe I 
>could use a bit of input, not necessarily what to do so much as 
>maybe just using the group as a sounding board of sorts if that's alright.
>
>Earlier this morning I was watching the baby and putting a diaper on 
>her. She was very wiggly and crying and I wasn't in a very good mood 
>anyway so I was annoyed and actually growled at her which was very 
>over the top.
>
>Cindy asked me if I regretted having a kid and I said that I did a 
>little. Add to this the notion that she really wants another one and 
>I don't think I can go through the baby stage again, no matter how 
>temporary things are.
>She asked me if I wanted to leave and I told her that part of me 
>does and part of me doesn't, an answer that I hate giving because 
>it's quite ambivalent.
>
>For the most part, I'm happy here and though I don't enjoy it that 
>much honestly, I take care of the baby alright.
>
>I just don't know.  It's not a question of whether either one of us 
>is worried about being single and alone, that's not a big deal for 
>either her or I actually.
>
>But she says if I'm going to resent a child, she'll pick up on that 
>and it won't be healthy for her or the rest of the family.
>
>I'm not sure if resent is the right word.
>
>We compliment each other in so many ways though, she cooks and I 
>clean up and do the dishes, she's way better with the finances and 
>I'm better with the laundry.
>
>Like I said, for the most part, I enjoy my life here with Cindy but 
>taking care of a baby, I'm not so sure of all that sometimes.
>
>It's not the work so much, the extra laundry, the diapering and all 
>that. I'm not sure what it is exactly.
>
>I know I enjoy my alone time more now than I used to I think.
>
>I hate feeling conflicted like this and it's not like I have to 
>decide right now whether to leave or not.  She did say though that 
>if I wanted to leave, it would be better now than later.
>
>I felt more comfortable and more capable when I was exclusively in a 
>support role, doing the laundry and all that other stuff.
>
>I remember she was crying really hard one time when I was holding 
>her and I had this image of me throwing her through the window, not 
>a pretty image and I'd never do something like that but those sorts 
>of things really concern me.
>
>No, being a parent of a new baby hasn't been exciting for me and I 
>haven't enjoyed it nearly as much as Cindy has and I wasn't excited 
>about having this kid and I think it's safe to say that she wanted 
>this child more than I.   I do better with kids who can actually 
>talk and who can at least tell you what they need to some extent.
>
>I hope I haven't rambled too much but I just felt that I needed to 
>write some things out a bit.