[blparent] Choosing Your Battles with Your Children

[Pickrell, Rebecca M (TASC Inc)]

Two words for you, family therapy. You all need a good therapist who can
both explain to you where he's been in life re his experiences with his
mom, and also to him that he really is safe. And you'll need to do day
to day work on this too, explaining probably won't cut it based on
things you've written about his mom. 
You all may also want to look seriously at doing something as a family
outside the house, volunteering with the Humane Society or something
with animals comes to mind because there is a need out there, and he'll
be able to care for and feel a sense of pride in taking care of another
living being without full-time 24/7 ownership responsibilities. 
Sounds like he doesn't value "stuff" in the tranditional sense and
taking things away doesn't matter to him. 
I'd be looking for a good therapist for the family, as well as finding
some things you all can do as a family or just you and him. Why not ask
him, if he could do anything, what would it be? Then really listen to
what he says. 
Sounds to me like you're dealing with some ugly side effects, though it
also sounds like he's just being a preteen kid too, only without the
sense of security that is the ideal/norm?? 
Finally, while you are frustrated, have you asked him how he feels about
the rules, not so much with an intent of changing them but t to get his
insights? Ask him at a time that isn't in the middle of a fight and
again, just listen. Do that for all kinds of stuff and you'l be amazed
at what you can learn.

-----Original Message-----
From: blparent-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:blparent-bounces at nfbnet.org]
On Behalf Of Rhonda Scott
Sent: Tuesday, January 12, 2010 4:40 PM
To: NFBnet Blind Parents Mailing List
Subject: [blparent] Choosing Your Battles with Your Children

Hi all,

How do some of you decide what is worth disciplining for, and what is
really not a huge deal? In our house we have quite a bit of fibbing and
lying, which is a very sore spot with me. We also have a tiny bit of
Deven helping himself to things that don't belong to him because he
feels he needs them for something he wants to do, or to food, which I
don't mind so much except he eats in the living room and leaves a trail
behind him. It really is a matter of asking for that screwdriver he
needs to take the lid off a battery compartment to replace the batteries
in a toy. But desk drawers where those are kept are 1 of the places off
limits. He recently took sewing needles from my sewing box because he
wanted to poke holes in something, and he did not take the time to tell
me he broke those needles, or to clean up the remnants of the needles.

So I'm frustrated, and trying to learn to pick my battles. I have tried
explaining to him that some of the things he does can hurt people, like
fragments of needles in carpets, and that asking would really get him a
lot further than taking. But no taking away of things or discussing, or
explaining are getting me anywhere with him. Nothing he owns seems to
mean enough to him that punishing him by taking toys and such away makes
any difference.

Thoughts and feedback appreciated.

Rhonda

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